I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sweet_nut_nectar
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
We all have that one vegan friend.... I said to mine,"Do you have to mention vegetables every time you open your mouth?"

She said, "Not neccecelery."

πŸ‘︎ 74
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
Movie pitch: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas. Global chaos ensues as the disease wipes out 99% of humanity.

Desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 748
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Some people think it's okay to wear your mask over your mouth while not covering your nose.

They're mouthbreathers.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZilchIJK
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his food before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sour-snake13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I was being very clever but I’ve been known to put my foot in my mouth.
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do medieval cathedrals clean their mouths before bedtime?

They gargoyle

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
From the mouths of babes (in this case my seven year old daughter as I was leaving this morning...)

Daughter: Dad, it's really STUPID out there today. You'd better take your dumbrella.

Me: I've never been more proud.

πŸ‘︎ 132
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaystibelman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a flower with a mouth?

Tulips

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_canadanian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a South American country where they have a rare pepper. Instead of being hot when you eat it, it makes your mouth feel cold.

It's called the Chilly Chile Chili.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlessedBigIron
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Mom, now you're putting words into my mouth
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Wolverine walks in on Jean Grey sneezing without covering her mouth..

...and says, "Hygiene".

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/r1pen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do seals carry fish in their mouth?

Because they don't have pockets.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/D3V1L420
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a creepy guy who forced me to take home a bunch of horses with swords in their mouths.

He gave me knightmares.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Colonel_ChowChow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My 8 yo made this up after seeing a doctor: What makes your mouth sad?

A tongue depressor.

πŸ‘︎ 93
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Marblz88
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not sure why he's not looking at my mouth...
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billnyethewiseguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m not the mouth, the stomach, the small or large intestines

AITA?

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/logoman4
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Mouth Rushmore
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_69269_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My son elbowed me in the mouth during a tickle fight

But that's ok. It was acci-dental.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AureliusCM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard if you try to put a gun in your mouth and shot, it's not necessarily to make you die

This fact is just mind-blowing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deoxys14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.

It's a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spar_wors
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. β€˜Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’

β€˜Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths β€˜ was his technically correct answer

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!

When she asked why I responded β€œyou’ll get salmon-Ella!”

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P1nealColada
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"

She said "I'm having a light snack."

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lil-Sleepy-A1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.

I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Minnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.

I didn't mean to harm Monica.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.

It was a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peteman22
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
The title, no mouth equals no words.
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MemaholicCreeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.

He ate it before it was cool. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?

Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zortor
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A man leaps into the Doctor's office, flashlight in his mouth, both hands behind his back, screaming "It's the mawkew! Oh God the Mawkew!!...

...I fell on my awt supplies and it went stwaight up my wectum"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahughman
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I was singing in the shower tonight when I unexpectedly got some soap in my mouth.

Suddenly it became a soap opera.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth

Then it's a soap opera

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dtobin95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?

Ugly.

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NepoMi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.

Now when I talk I have a weird axe scent

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Andrama
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth.

Now when I talk I have this weird Axe Scent

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Scottspears89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard if you try to put a gun in your mouth and shot, it's not necessarily to make you die

This fact is just mind-blowing.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/deoxys14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Who did the hipster burn his mouth

He ate the pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amphibatron
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
🚨︎ report

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