I accidently sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ozolzz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10
🚨︎ report
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.

Global chaos ensues.

The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
Mom, now you're putting words into my mouth
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WetSoggyTaco
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
I'm not sure why he's not looking at my mouth...
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billnyethewiseguy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
I’m not the mouth, the stomach, the small or large intestines

AITA?

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/logoman4
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now I have a weird axe-scent

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Prithu123
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15
🚨︎ report
I heard if you try to put a gun in your mouth and shot, it's not necessarily to make you die

This fact is just mind-blowing.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/deoxys14
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his tea before it was cool 😎

πŸ‘︎ 175
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snugl-v202
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
My friend keeps joking about the thing he has to wear to cover his mouth while he's exercising outside.

It's a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spar_wors
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
My little sister came to my room with a lighbulb in her mouth. I asked her "what in the world are you doing?"

She said "I'm having a light snack."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lil-Sleepy-A1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
I once caught a fish with a hundred dollar bill in its mouth.

I know this story may sound a little fishy, some of you may even consider it a whale of a tale, but if you take it in tide I’m sure you’ll sea the porpoise isn’t me just beingkoi or * squidding* around or fishing for attention; it was shrimply an act of cod that I’m hooked on sharing with others. If it reely makes anyone crabby or puts me on thin ice, just let minnow and I’ll gladly clam up. I’d hate to see this sub flounder or take a dive because of my own shellfish ambitions.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MC_Minnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20
🚨︎ report
I saw a friend of mine named Ella sit down to eat a fillet of salmon. As she lifted the fork to her mouth I screamed NO DON’T EAT THAT!

When she asked why I responded β€œyou’ll get salmon-Ella!”

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/P1nealColada
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
I accidentally injured my girlfriend with a mouth organ.

I didn't mean to harm Monica.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

πŸ‘︎ 198
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZZiyan_11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.

It was a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Peteman22
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
Mouth Rushmore
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_69269_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A man leaps into the Doctor's office, flashlight in his mouth, both hands behind his back, screaming "It's the mawkew! Oh God the Mawkew!!...

...I fell on my awt supplies and it went stwaight up my wectum"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahughman
πŸ“…︎ May 25
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the football player with the dirty mouth?

Yeah. He was an offensive lineman.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zortor
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
I served a hipster a pizza but he burned his mouth.

He ate it before it was cool. πŸ€¦πŸ»β€β™‚οΈ

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bradb717
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11
🚨︎ report
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
Who did the hipster burn his mouth

He ate the pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
I just asked my 14 yr old after he was talking the whole time while I was showing how to do something. β€˜Do you know why god gave us two eyes and only one mouth?’

β€˜Because we don’t need depth perception with our mouths β€˜ was his technically correct answer

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I was singing in the shower tonight when I unexpectedly got some soap in my mouth.

Suddenly it became a soap opera.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05
🚨︎ report
Why should you use your mouth to paint woodwork?

Lips gloss

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
The title, no mouth equals no words.
πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MemaholicCreeper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sprayed deodorant my mouth this morning.

So every time I talk I have this weird axe scent.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SerbianTarHeel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
My brother told his son to take the crayon out of his mouth...

...unless he wanted the Crayola Virus.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr00b
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
My husband was running his mouth the other day, talking so much crap at me.

I asked him if he was a mushroom?

"No??"

"Because you're being really shit-talky right now"

One of my proudest moments

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
What is the easiest way to fit an entire peanut butter sandwich into your mouth? /r/Jokes/comments/fgwyl3/…
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/patchy72
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11
🚨︎ report
I have six eyes, two mouths and three ears, what am I?

Ugly.

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NepoMi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Singing in the shower is great until you get shampoo in your mouth

Then it's a soap opera

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dtobin95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Saw the damnedest thing at the airport. A vulture was trying to board the plane with a dead, rotting animal hanging out of its mouth. Gate agent tried to stop him...

...and the vulture said, "I'm clearly permitted one piece of carrion luggage."

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theposshow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Mama fly and baby fly were hanging out at the coroner’s office. The coroner was enjoying a sandwich while he performed an autopsy. Baby fly landed on the sandwich as the coroner took a bite. Mama fly jumped into action and hit the man in the eye and baby fly escaped out of his mouth.

. Mama fly looked into baby fly’s eyes and said,

β€œNobody puts baby in a coroner”

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
A person without arms and a knife in their mouth is still technically armed,

but only to the teeth.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSadisticNerd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you get money into your mouth?

You purse your lips

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedbackUSA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Can someone tell me if it's true that fishermen put maggots in their mouths in order to warm them up?

Awaiting a reply with baited breath...

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the pizza break the roof of the hipsters mouth.

Hit bit into it before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CrikeyKillz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the man open his mouth in front of the bulb?

He was advised to have light meals only.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rbwj
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Whenever someone suggests I try bondage I tell them I can't because the thing I put in my mouth keeps escaping.

It's a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Vesurel
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
They always said if I wanted to make a difference, I should put my money where my mouth is.

I can really taste the change.

πŸ‘︎ 553
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krumm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Had some dental work done today. Dentist gave me the anesthetic and asked how my mouth felt.

"Just swell!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an insect born without a mouth?

A mute ant.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TacquarianTaco1
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Which Appliance has the most foul mouth?

The Washing machines it has Loads.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SteaminScaldren
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Fiji is so delicious, it’s mouth watering.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife gets mad when I play PS4 online and don't watch my mouth.

She says I need to go PC.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MulansButtPlug
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then it's soap opera.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Luceleven
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
His mouth may fall... a-gate.
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cpauli11
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Singing in the shower is always fun until you get soap in your mouth

Then it just turns into a soap opera

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chickenator2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

Then it just becomes a soap opera

πŸ‘︎ 285
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TrippinSky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
A bug flew into my mouth

Oh heck what's the name of it? it's on the tip of my tongue...

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lui_Le_Diamond
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't you love it when it's a hot summer day and you take a drink of water? Your mouth feels like it's finally reach salvation.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Masonlevyofficial
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
My face says a lot because that's where my mouth is.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Big Mouth, A5
πŸ‘︎ 82
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CluKInCok
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate his soup before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CuttingEdgeRetro
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I let my buddy try these special glasses that let you visualize the words that come out of someone's mouth.

"Whoa", he replied, "I see what you're saying".

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Friend: My mouth burned the whole time cause my dad made me eat this hot pepper in exchange for the show ticket. Wasn’t even a good show.

Me: You just really ate to see it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderZ__
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Out of curiosity, I very quietly slipped an old Tic Tac into my mouth.

It was a silent expired mint.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend told me yesterday that a bird shit in his mouth.

I don't believe him. Because he's full of shit.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flabby_abs
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?

Because they drink it before it’s cool.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bubba_Is_MY_Cat
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Some nice wood in my mouth always gives me a buzz...
πŸ‘︎ 274
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Randyotter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad and I were watching football the other day, when I looked and saw him put some doornails in his mouth. Confused, I asked why, and he said "Biting my nails helps with the nerves of football"

Classic dads

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/only1benod
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I really dig earthworms, but I haven't meant one yet that didn't have a dirty mouth.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
A cow's tongue? I'm not eating something that came out of an animals mouth...

Gimme two fried eggs.

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/someauthor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Brain to mouth filter disengaged

The other morning my daughter was feeling down because she has been outshined by a male in the mixed netball team and felt she couldn't do better because she was a girl.

I of course pointed out that girls can do anything that a guy can do if she puts her mind to it. So far so good.

ERROR - brain to mouth filter disengaged.

Then said, in earshot of my wife, look at your mother over there growing a moustache.

She did not find it as funny as we did.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tailsandtails
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Clubbers in Barnsley are using dental syringes to inject liquid Ecstacy directly into their mouths.

A dangerous process known as 'E by Gum'

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't you think whale mouths are too big?

Personally, I think they're a bit overkrill.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/salmonfacecopy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
🚨︎ report
I punched a hipster in the mouth yesterday. He said, β€œDude, that isn’t cool!”

I said, β€œNot yet.”

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

πŸ‘︎ 94
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marshmello_420
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04
🚨︎ report
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth

Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Amphibatron
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tekrat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get soap in your mouth.

Then it becomes a Soap Opera

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/InstantLover
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 47
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bridge_view
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
why did the hipster burn his mouth

he drank the coffee before it was cool

πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/markrulez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WinGs5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth

Then it's a soap opera

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sixfootninja
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn is mouth?

Because he sipped his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 118
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lucaewings27
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2018
🚨︎ report

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