Did you hear about the British plastic surgeon who specializes in lip enhancement?

Phil-lip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
How many lips does a flower have?

Two-lips (Tulips)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/achirakos1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
READ MY LIPS!!

πŸ€¦πŸΌβ€β™‚οΈdid I just say that with my mask on.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stampeed13
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
🚨︎ report
While at Starbucks, I said I didn't want the sippy cup lip.

They gave me my drink and said "this is the last straw."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Choiceofart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It’s been a week now and she’s still not talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joachim_s
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...

Must dash.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call an irish with lip injection?

liprechaun.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoNkeyDBallsDeeP
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
🚨︎ report
How many lips do flowers have?

Tu-lips.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the hipster burn his lips on coffee?

He drank it before it was cool!

(My old Language Arts teacher said this.)

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeezoTheWeirdo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.

The view was not worth the trip.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Think_Naught
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A duck walks into a chemist and says, "Do you have any lip balm?"

Chemist says, "Sure, that'll be 95 cents!"

Duck: "Put it on my bill please."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/El_Sidgio
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says

Wait, wrong sub.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
lip licking good
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maks_rsn
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the lips say to the facial muscle?

You make me smile.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heavencatnip
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.

She still isn’t talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 88
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbig22432
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a light powered by a couple of lips?

A tulip bulb

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Angoram
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Pritt is not the best lip balm I've ever used

But I couldn't complain

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/st_jimmy_02
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Mary Pill Poppins Pharmaceutical just created a miracle drug that can cure any human of any disease. It's effectiveness is renowned while it's side effects are surprisingly minimal: thick layer of skin develops on the lips while rendering them dry, cracked and quite odorous.

Patients effected by this claim it's super callused fragile lips that smell like halitosis

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ramzert
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Do not worry, my lips are sealed
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ComradeTruls
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a cow with no lips say?

Uuuuu

i’m sorry yall

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucipol
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Me: I'm going to grow out the hair on my upper lip, then shave it, put it in a box, and hide that box.

Wife: Why...?

Me: It's going to be my secret stash

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A snake charmer was bitten on the lips

He didn't know his asp from his oboe.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the microphone with lips? He was a loudmouth.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cart0166
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a friend named Phillip, he lost his Lip in an accident...

Now we call him Phil.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirCEWaffles
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I don't advertise my lip reading business.

It's all word of mouth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
If I criticize you on your bad lip fillers...

"Don't give me any lip"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beyond-Dreams86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I can lip read fish. Still don't know who Bob is though.
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2018
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Why does Death always keep a stiff upper lip?

Because he has to Grim and bear it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CadenceQuandry
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife really knows how to hold a grudge, she asked for a tube of lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tub of glue

She still isn’t talking to me

PS. This is a cross post from r/ShittyLifeProTips

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AjIsMySlave
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Dad lip-syncs to his daughter's crazy tantrum. liveleak.com/view?i=460_1…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/You-Can-Trust-Me
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2013
🚨︎ report
How many lips you need to smell a flower ?

2lips πŸ’‹

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2018
🚨︎ report
The skin on my lip was coming off...

So I pulled some of it off and jokingly handed it to my dad saying: "Here you go Dad"

His response: "Don't you give me any of your lip, mister"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LegendDan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Pursed lips
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πŸ‘€︎ u/debaben
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2017
🚨︎ report
This girl with duck lips walked up to me.

"Hey," she said. "Help me with this crossword. I need a 7 letter word, the clue is 'destruction'."

I said, "Wipeout?"

She said, "Because it makes my lips look bigger. Now help me with the crossword."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Helped my wife with a few of the labels for some homemade hand scrub and lip balm she made as Xmas presents.
πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/han_so_low
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2013
🚨︎ report
Lip-sticky situation imgur.com/yAZ4pZJ
πŸ‘︎ 125
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarahsugarplum
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2014
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue.

She is still not speaking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatriotASR
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How many lips does a flower have

Tulips

πŸ‘︎ 248
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πŸ‘€︎ u/steventhebeliven
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
How many lips does a flower have?

Tu-lips!!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yashrajt
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.

She’s still not talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnythingIsContent
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm...

I have her super glue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KetoNun
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, but I gave her superglue instead...

She's still not talking to me...

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife asked for her lip balm but I handed her superglue by mistake....she’s still not talking to me.
πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gmaxis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the simpelest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue

It's been a week and she's still not talking to me

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Obsidi3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
How many lips does a flower have?

Two lips.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DCTChampion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
🚨︎ report

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