Did you hear about the British plastic surgeon who specializes in lip enhancement?
How many lips does a flower have?
READ MY LIPS!!
🤦🏼♂️did I just say that with my mask on.
While at Starbucks, I said I didn't want the sippy cup lip.
They gave me my drink and said "this is the last straw."
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It’s been a week now and she’s still not talking to me.
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
What do you call an irish with lip injection?
How many lips do flowers have?
Why did the hipster burn his lips on coffee?
He drank it before it was cool!
(My old Language Arts teacher said this.)
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
A duck walks into a chemist and says, "Do you have any lip balm?"
Chemist says, "Sure, that'll be 95 cents!"
Duck: "Put it on my bill please."
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
What did the lips say to the facial muscle?
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.
She still isn’t talking to me.
What do you call a light powered by a couple of lips?
Pritt is not the best lip balm I've ever used
Mary Pill Poppins Pharmaceutical just created a miracle drug that can cure any human of any disease. It's effectiveness is renowned while it's side effects are surprisingly minimal: thick layer of skin develops on the lips while rendering them dry, cracked and quite odorous.
Patients effected by this claim it's super callused fragile lips that smell like halitosis
Do not worry, my lips are sealed
What does a cow with no lips say?
Me: I'm going to grow out the hair on my upper lip, then shave it, put it in a box, and hide that box.
Wife: Why...?
Me: It's going to be my secret stash
A snake charmer was bitten on the lips
He didn't know his asp from his oboe.
Did you hear about the microphone with lips? He was a loudmouth.
I have a friend named Phillip, he lost his Lip in an accident...
I don't advertise my lip reading business.
If I criticize you on your bad lip fillers...
I can lip read fish. Still don't know who Bob is though.
Why does Death always keep a stiff upper lip?
Because he has to Grim and bear it.
My wife really knows how to hold a grudge, she asked for a tube of lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tub of glue
She still isn’t talking to me
PS. This is a cross post from r/ShittyLifeProTips
How many lips you need to smell a flower ?
The skin on my lip was coming off...
So I pulled some of it off and jokingly handed it to my dad saying:
"Here you go Dad"
His response:
"Don't you give me any of your lip, mister"
This girl with duck lips walked up to me.
"Hey," she said. "Help me with this crossword. I need a 7 letter word, the clue is 'destruction'."
I said, "Wipeout?"
She said, "Because it makes my lips look bigger. Now help me with the crossword."
Helped my wife with a few of the labels for some homemade hand scrub and lip balm she made as Xmas presents.
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue.
She is still not speaking to me.
How many lips does a flower have
How many lips does a flower have?
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
She’s still not talking to me.
Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm...
I have her super glue by mistake. She’s still not talking to me!
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, but I gave her superglue instead...
She's still not talking to me...
My wife asked for her lip balm but I handed her superglue by mistake....she’s still not talking to me.
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the simpelest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue
It's been a week and she's still not talking to me
How did the hipster burn his lips?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
How many lips does a flower have?
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