What do you call an irish with lip injection?
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 09 2021
Right, I'm off to grow some facial hair above my top lip...
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
Itβs been a week now and sheβs still not talking to me.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
How many lips do flowers have?
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jan 21 2021
Why did the hipster burn his lips on coffee?
He drank it before it was cool!
(My old Language Arts teacher said this.)
π︎ 25
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
Last evening I walked up the hill in the park to see the planets. Stumbled over a lip in the concrete and went down pretty hard. Ripped pants and skinned hands and knees. When I got to the top I couldn't see a thing.
The view was not worth the trip.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
A duck walks into a chemist and says, "Do you have any lip balm?"
Chemist says, "Sure, that'll be 95 cents!"
Duck: "Put it on my bill please."
π︎ 12
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
lip licking good
π︎ 43
π
︎ Jun 14 2020
An beautiful woman orders a turkey sandwich at a deli, with pickles on the side. The guy behind the counter looks at her and says, "You like big pickles?" and winks. As he slides her a pastrami sandwich she looks at him, smiles, licks her lips and says
π︎ 670
π
︎ Feb 04 2020
What did the lips say to the facial muscle?
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 12 2020
What do you call a light powered by a couple of lips?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 16 2020
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick from her purse, instead of her lip stick.
She still isnβt talking to me.
π︎ 84
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
Pritt is not the best lip balm I've ever used
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 31 2020
Mary Pill Poppins Pharmaceutical just created a miracle drug that can cure any human of any disease. It's effectiveness is renowned while it's side effects are surprisingly minimal: thick layer of skin develops on the lips while rendering them dry, cracked and quite odorous.
Patients effected by this claim it's super callused fragile lips that smell like halitosis
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 29 2020
How many lips does a flower have
π︎ 251
π
︎ Aug 13 2019
What does a cow with no lips say?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 09 2020
Do not worry, my lips are sealed
π︎ 24
π
︎ Dec 07 2019
Me: I'm going to grow out the hair on my upper lip, then shave it, put it in a box, and hide that box.
Wife: Why...?
Me: It's going to be my secret stash
π︎ 9
π
︎ Feb 16 2020
A snake charmer was bitten on the lips
He didn't know his asp from his oboe.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 21 2019
Did you hear about the microphone with lips? He was a loudmouth.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 29 2019
I have a friend named Phillip, he lost his Lip in an accident...
π︎ 14
π
︎ Apr 08 2019
I don't advertise my lip reading business.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Oct 26 2018
If I criticize you on your bad lip fillers...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Apr 27 2019
Why does Death always keep a stiff upper lip?
Because he has to Grim and bear it.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jan 29 2019
I can lip read fish. Still don't know who Bob is though.
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jul 10 2018
My wife really knows how to hold a grudge, she asked for a tube of lip balm and I accidentally gave her a tub of glue
She still isnβt talking to me
PS. This is a cross post from r/ShittyLifeProTips
π︎ 14
π
︎ Nov 16 2018
What did the terrorist say to the pilot with chapped lips?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jun 15 2018
How many lips you need to smell a flower ?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 26 2018
π︎ 417
π
︎ Oct 21 2013
This girl with duck lips walked up to me.
"Hey," she said. "Help me with this crossword. I need a 7 letter word, the clue is 'destruction'."
I said, "Wipeout?"
She said, "Because it makes my lips look bigger. Now help me with the crossword."
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 31 2018
Pursed lips
π︎ 16
π
︎ Apr 30 2017
The skin on my lip was coming off...
So I pulled some of it off and jokingly handed it to my dad saying:
"Here you go Dad"
His response:
"Don't you give me any of your lip, mister"
π︎ 153
π
︎ Feb 23 2014
What do you call someone who canβt read lips?
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 25 2018
What do you call a bug that lip-syncs?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 28 2018
Helped my wife with a few of the labels for some homemade hand scrub and lip balm she made as Xmas presents.
π︎ 85
π
︎ Dec 23 2013
Wife: 'Have you seen my lip balm?'
Me: 'Aww, are your lovely lips feelin' like cowboy hips?'
her: '...What?'
Me: '.... Chapped?'
π︎ 4
π
︎ Apr 01 2018
π︎ 126
π
︎ Dec 02 2014
My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue.
She is still not speaking to me.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Sep 16 2020
How many lips does a flower have?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 03 2020
My girlfriend asked me to pass her the lip balm, I gave her superglue by mistake.
Sheβs still not talking to me.
π︎ 81
π
︎ Jun 28 2019
Women really know how to hold grudges over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.
It's been a week now and she's still not talking to me.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 25 2019
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm...
I have her super glue by mistake. Sheβs still not talking to me!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 13 2019
My wife asked me to pass her lip balm, but I gave her superglue instead...
She's still not talking to me...
π︎ 60
π
︎ May 09 2018
Women really know how to hold a grudge over the simpelest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue
It's been a week and she's still not talking to me
π︎ 3
π
︎ Nov 15 2018
My wife asked for her lip balm but I handed her superglue by mistake....sheβs still not talking to me.
π︎ 54
π
︎ Jul 19 2018
How did the hipster burn his lips?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Oct 03 2018
How many lips does a flower have?
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jul 30 2018
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.