My friend’s parrot lost his beak in a fan accident and he wanted to find a prosthetic. I sent him to my Uncle Tony.

He fits the bill.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sbatio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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You might not like it, but this is what beak performance looks like...
πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/poven100
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
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What has 4 eyes, 4 legs, 3 beaks and a net?

Four pirates looking for a lost parrot

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
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How many birds can use their huge beak to peel fruit?

Toucan

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Octopus-Pawn
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2020
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Big Beak
πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sumerdude
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
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A rival contestant cheated with a different species of bird at the beak measuring contest...

I thought to myself that toucan play at that game.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ruminino
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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I saw a bird with a really big beak holding a chessboard

I said toucan play that game.

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucatchu947
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
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Only got 20$ in my beak
πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/niko5253
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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My town was trying to pave over the swamp in the middle of town for a new Kmart but the large water fowl with long beaks and a large throat pouches would not move...

They were a species of peliwon'ts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
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When bay seas food on your beak imgur.com/tn9mffZ
πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/herbiecouscous
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2017
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Saw 4 baby birds in a nest, 3 were close together beaks wide open and squawking for attention. The 4th was off to the side beak closed head down..

I'm no bird expert but I'm guessing 3 females and 1 male.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/manicmoose13
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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A wonderful bird, the pelican.

His beak can hold more than his bellycan.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinotico
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Hey dad, how do you feel?

I feel with my hands.

That was my dad’s go to, directly followed by: dad: can I make you a sandwich Me: sure Dad: (does magic hands) poof you’re a sandwich

It’s almost 3 years since he died. I miss his joke every damn day.

πŸ‘︎ 153
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πŸ‘€︎ u/grokm3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica? Wonder no more !

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualisticbird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow." "Freeze a jolly good fellow."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brucemoose1
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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Dead crows

The Texas Department of Transportation (TxDOT) found over 200 dead crows on U.S. Highway 281 this past week, and there was concern that they may have died from the Coronavirus.

A veterinary epidemiologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Coronavirus (COVID-19).

The cause of death was actually from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorcycles, while only 2% were killed by cars.

TxDOT then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorcycle kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"!!!

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Semujin
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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When I asked my dad how the turkey was coming along imgur.com/Tuj1ARo
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/glitter_box
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
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A hornbill in a rainforest...

A hornbill in a rainforest screeched triumphantly! β€œHahaha I am the king of the birds for I have the biggest beak.” He sat on his branch smugly, smiling to himself when another bird with an extraordinary beak landed beside him and scoffed,β€œToucan play at that game.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASquishyWorm
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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One of the best dad jokes that I've ever heard came from my girlfriend's four year old

In Wal-mart, looking for my girlfriend, and trying to practice my spanish

I look around and say "donde estan, donde estan, donde estan", kind of thinking about this song I heard years ago.

She goes, what does "donde estan mean?"

I say, well it sort of means "where are you, or where are they? I'm looking for your mom and your sister."

Her reply was "I donde estahnd what your saying"

πŸ‘︎ 884
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πŸ‘€︎ u/civilized_animal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
🚨︎ report
A Pelican is actually called a Belican.

Because it's beak can hold more than it's belly can.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Im-King-Kona
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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I called my dad to tell him that I'd run over a bird with my car.

"Wow," he said, "You must have been flying."

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jenni1983
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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What show reminds Dodrio of its childhood

Twin Beaks

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ducksaws
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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A duck walks into a bar and asks, "Got any grapes?" The bartender, confused, tells the duck no, so the duck thanks him and leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Got any grapes?"

Again, the bartender tells him, "No, the bar does not serve grapes, has never served grapes and, furthermore, will never serve grapes."

The duck thanks him and leaves.

The next day, the duck returns, but before he can say anything, the bartender yells, "Listen, duck! This is a bar! We do not serve grapes! If you ask for grapes again, I will nail your stupid duck beak to the bar!"

The duck is silent for a moment and then asks, "Got any nails?"

Confused, the bartender says no.

"Good!" says the duck. "Got any grapes?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
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Do you know why they’re called pelicans?

Because their beaks can hold more then their belly can.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leetle95
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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Where do birds store water?

in their ***BEAK***er

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/aashmeh
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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Me: 24 oz. of soda is the same as two cans. My boyfriend: Do you know how to drink two cans?

β€œPut β€˜em in the blender and pull out the beaks.”

Yes, he’s a dad. And yes, he was proud of that.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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A chicken walks into a library...

It walks up to the librarian and says "Bock!". The library gives it a book and the chicken takes it in its beak and walks out.

A minute later the chicken comes walking back in and says "Bock! Bock!". The librbrian gives it 2 books and the chicken takes them and walks out.

A few minutes after that the chicken comes back says "Bock! Bock! Bock!". The librarian gives the chicken 3 books but follows him out to see what's going on.

The chicken puts the books down in front of a frog who says "reddit reddit reddit"!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CYP_1A2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Just beakause.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smokeweaver
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
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I asked my dad how the turkey smelled...

He said, "I dunno, I guess with their beaks."

I found some other good ones on this video chain of dad jokes on hoop.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielledaily
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2016
🚨︎ report
Wife, on the phone: Are you making dinner?

Me: Yes, cooking chicken.

Her: How does it smell?

Me: Not too sure. Maybe through its beak?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
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Ducks

My sister: "Do ducks have beaks or bills?"

My dad: "Bills. Although I don't know how they can pay them. They don't have any money."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaitlynatkeuka
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2013
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So there's a wood pecker in my backyard...

Me: "Hey, it's Vladimir the wood pecker!" Group of friends: "Why Vladimir?"

"Because he won't stop putin' his beak in other bird's trees."

Collective groan achieved.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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Technically from my Grandad...

We were playing trivial pursuit when I was younger, and he gets a question.

"What does a Peacock mate with?"

He looks around the room, going a bit red..

"I dunno, it's beak?!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/H00ded
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2014
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How does a turkey without a nose smell?

Dropped this one on my Beavers Group last night during crafts. The kids referred to their beaks as noses, and in the process of correcting them, I asked how a turkey smells without a nose?

Delicious.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2Lt-Obvious
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
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My dad just sent me this one...

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

πŸ‘︎ 315
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lilaregenbogen
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2013
🚨︎ report
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows in the Greater Boston area recently.

There was concern that they might have died from Avian Flu. An avian pathologist examined the remains of the crows, and to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely not avian flu. The cause of death was vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the birds beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that nearly 96% of the crows had been struck by trucks, while only 4% were car impacts.

The MTA then hired an Ornithological Behavourist to determine the reason for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills vs car kills. He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat roadkill, they have a look-out crow nearby to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look-out crows could shout "Cah!", none could shout "Truck!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thisissami
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad just sent me this. I buried my face in my hands.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slidewriter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
🚨︎ report
A duck walks into a bar...

and says "Hey bartender, got any grapes?"

The bartender replies: "This is a bar, we don't have grapes here."

The next day the duck returns and inquires: "Hey bartender, got any grapes?"

Says the bartender: "I told you yesterday: this is a bar. We don't have grapes here."

The next day the duck is back. "Hey bartender. Got any grapes?"

"NO!" shouts the bartender. "If you come back asking for grapes again, I will nail your beak to this bar!"

The next day the dug is back again:

"Hey bartender: got any nails?" "NO! This is a BAR, not a hardware store!"

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

...

"Got any grapes?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fmapE
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2013
🚨︎ report
Dad just emailed me this article about a crow problem in Boston

CROW KILLS

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu. A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck." Absolutely amazing!

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dysenterygary69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Just got this in an email from my dad.

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

The Ornithological Behaviorist very quickly concluded the cause: when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "Truck."

Amazing!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mathliability
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2013
🚨︎ report

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