A duck walks into a drugstore to pick up a prescription. The pharmacist asks him,

"Cash or charge?"

The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of house can you pick up?

A lighthouse

From my 7 year old.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
This is my best pick-up line
πŸ‘︎ 579
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rukhnul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham boogers.

I know, I know, snot funny.

-Edit- Thanks for the awards guys! First silver! :-D

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
A line of Pick UP!s. A Pickup line if you will! reddit.com/gallery/m0m8b4
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSmileyZ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Pick up
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Got a job at a potato chip factory. On top of salary they said I could pick any flavor chip off the shelf once a month.

They prided themselves in their stock options.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cross2085
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Me to son: Go pick up your room.

Son: I can’t.

Me: And why not?

Son: Because it’s too heavy!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yrnspnnr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the name of that cool female friend who helps you pick up chicks?

Wing ma'am

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rare_Breed721
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk

Him:* lifts gallon * done

Her: no from the store

Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJonesy007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.

It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
If your nose bleeds easily then don't pick your nose

Or i'll catch you red-handed

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streetdog2003
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Which historical figure would you pick to be your teacher and why?

The Wright Brothers, cause they make time fly.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheesebandit0813
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm always confused when I hear people say they pick their nose

I was born with mine

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyKiwi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"

"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store

But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Never pick a fight with a music teacher

You may think it’s A minor offense, but the punishment could B major

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Dick pick
πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WrickyB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m a really short guy, and I always seem to pick fights over nothing

It’s hard trying to be the bigger person!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Achooneacore
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to pick up cheese dip for the New Years Eve party.

So I replied, "K, so?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t people pick their nose?

Because they already have one

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QT_FlSH
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.

Happy Hanukkah dadjokes!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaspm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the moose pick his next mate?

A quick game of fuck, fuck, moose.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
During an organ donation how do doctors decide which kidney to pick?

They pick the right one.

That way there's still one left

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: Can you pick up milk?

Husband: Lifting Gallon yeah

Wife: No, I mean at the store.

Husband: I imagine it would weigh the same there...

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rancherrick
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad drives to the local high school and picks up his son.

Son: β€œDad, put me down, you’re embarrassing me.”

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JiminyKirket
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Knowing how to pick locks...

Has really opened a lot of doors for me.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Which one stole your broom ma’am? Can you pick her out of a line up?

No it was Witch two officer!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to go pick my glasses up from SpecSavers today and you’ll never guess who I bumped into!

Everyone.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets?

Ladies

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bucko787
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Which one would you pick up?

...If you found a 10 dollar bill and a 2 dollar bill on the way.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AXEL_Network
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I have an addiction to reading pop-up books, so I went to the library the other day to pick up some proper grown up books to look at. I have to admit there was some good stuff there, ...

... but unfortunately nothing that jumped out at me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
When I came home today my wife had some Little Debbie Zerbra Cakes on the counter. I pick one up and say "A Zebra Cake?"

"Don't mind if I Zoo."

She just gave me a glare and went back to what she was doing.

Totally worth it.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wene324
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when you break your pick axe while working?

A miner inconvenience

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustHumanGarbage
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Pick your favorite
πŸ‘︎ 403
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Serbiaball_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2020
🚨︎ report
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.

For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunainT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
I was teaching my 12 year old daughter how to mow the lawn. β€œYou need to pick either up and down or right and left, and then stick to it,” I told her. β€œDo you mow the whole yard in one direction.”

β€œWhy?” she asked.

β€œBecause that’s what makes it beautiful.”

Oh, the eye roll on this kid.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrisoatkins
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The definition of a pick up game.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/doodynyahand
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pigs nose 🐽?

Ham boogers.

I know. I know...

Snot funny

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?

Ham Boogers

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hambooger

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Forsaken1372
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham boogers

πŸ‘︎ 334
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πŸ‘€︎ u/reydeguitarra
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?

Ham boogers

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?

Ham-boogers!

I know, it snot funny.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureSpecial
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What Do you get when you pick a pigs nose?

Ham Boogers

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CanadianTrainFan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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