When registering for college classes, pick ones taught by heterosexual Canadians whenever possible.

They always give straight "eh"s.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RxBrad
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray

The man asks "is this good for wasps?"

The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonDoorknob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Dick pick
πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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Pick your favourites
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.

She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.

πŸ‘︎ 265
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the blacksmith pick a fight?

He had an axe to grind.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpartanT8472
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Watched the cows pick up some baby goats on their way across the field today.

I guess the kids are part of the moovement now.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
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A duck walks into a drugstore to pick up a prescription. The pharmacist asks him,

"Cash or charge?"

The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lodiman77
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I offered to carpool with the security guy this week but I totally forgot to pick him up this morning. When he got to work later her was furious and punched me in the back of the head.

It’s my own fault, I’ll never let my guard down again.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eternal_Punshine
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why should you never pick on a pig dressed all in black?

Because Batman is sworn to protect Goth Ham

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/benfh
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My son is starting school next year but is scared because he thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name.

I reassured him, "Don't be silly! Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of house can you pick up?

A lighthouse

From my 7 year old.

πŸ‘︎ 80
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham boogers.

I know, I know, snot funny.

-Edit- Thanks for the awards guys! First silver! :-D

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mama_Bear15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2021
🚨︎ report
This is my best pick-up line
πŸ‘︎ 578
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rukhnul
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad was ready to roll in on the jokes when coming to pick me up after school in his "DIY self-driving" car. Everyone knows though...

He didn't make it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kristianlsnow
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2021
🚨︎ report
A line of Pick UP!s. A Pickup line if you will! reddit.com/gallery/m0m8b4
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrSmileyZ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
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Pick up
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dickiedaydream
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
Got a job at a potato chip factory. On top of salary they said I could pick any flavor chip off the shelf once a month.

They prided themselves in their stock options.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cross2085
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Me to son: Go pick up your room.

Son: I can’t.

Me: And why not?

Son: Because it’s too heavy!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yrnspnnr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Her: Honey can you pick up some milk

Him:* lifts gallon * done

Her: no from the store

Him: I imagine it weighs the same there too

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DJonesy007
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the name of that cool female friend who helps you pick up chicks?

Wing ma'am

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rare_Breed721
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!

I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.

It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store

But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
If your nose bleeds easily then don't pick your nose

Or i'll catch you red-handed

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streetdog2003
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Which historical figure would you pick to be your teacher and why?

The Wright Brothers, cause they make time fly.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheesebandit0813
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm always confused when I hear people say they pick their nose

I was born with mine

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FancyKiwi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Never pick a fight with a music teacher

You may think it’s A minor offense, but the punishment could B major

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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Dick pick
πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WrickyB
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m a really short guy, and I always seem to pick fights over nothing

It’s hard trying to be the bigger person!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Achooneacore
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.

She still regrets letting me name the twins.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t people pick their nose?

Because they already have one

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/QT_FlSH
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me to pick up cheese dip for the New Years Eve party.

So I replied, "K, so?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Every year around this time, my family and I go out to the woods to pick out and cut down our own menorah.

Happy Hanukkah dadjokes!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaspm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: Can you pick up milk?

Husband: Lifting Gallon yeah

Wife: No, I mean at the store.

Husband: I imagine it would weigh the same there...

πŸ‘︎ 198
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rancherrick
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
During an organ donation how do doctors decide which kidney to pick?

They pick the right one.

That way there's still one left

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the moose pick his next mate?

A quick game of fuck, fuck, moose.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/malker84
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Knowing how to pick locks...

Has really opened a lot of doors for me.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GuvSingh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pigs nose 🐽?

Ham boogers.

I know. I know...

Snot funny

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My son is starting school soon and thinks the other children will pick on him because of his name. I reassured him, "Don't be silly!"

"Why would anyone pick on you, Someoneyourownsize!?"

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?

Ham Boogers

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ProjectOcoee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Ham boogers

πŸ‘︎ 331
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reydeguitarra
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Hambooger

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Forsaken1372
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?

Ham boogers

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiosMioMan2
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you pick a pig’s nose?

Ham-boogers!

I know, it snot funny.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YoureSpecial
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2020
🚨︎ report

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