Why can't beggers be allowed in court for selection to the Jury box like any other non felon citizen?

Cuz, beggers can't be choosers!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imgprojts
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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I went to the boomerang shop downtown to look at their selection today.

Turns out they have a great return policy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JustMy2Coppers
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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Best selection in town
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pandabeardontcare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2017
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When people ask about the beer selection at the local shop.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FrogGentlemen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2019
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Music selection on a boat

Some friends of mine like to rent a boat every year and go enjoy a quiet day of nice summer weather on a nice lake. One friend brought a stereo with her this year and asked everybody, "What kind of tunes does everyone want to listen to?"

I told her, "Pon-tunes!"

Groans were had by everyone else on the boat.

Edit: We were on a pontoon boat, not a pond.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/admiralkit
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2015
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A guest asked about our selection of grilled veggies

Fiancee: Let's see: summer squash...

Me: ...and some aren't!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crgk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2016
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The grocery store had a sale on produce, but the selection was really bad

Either way it was a raw deal

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoReaper5
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/betterpc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2014
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Here's a selection of my dad's best bar jokes.

A mushroom walking into a bar and the bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve your kind around here." And the mushroom says, "Oh come on, I'm a fungi."

A three legged dog walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Can I get you something?" and the dog says, "No, I'm lookin' for the man who shot my paw."

A piece of string walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, we don't serve your kind around here." So the string walks outside twists himself into a loop, messes up his hair and walks back in. The bartender spots him and says, "Hey! Arn't you the piece of string that just walked in here?" And the string looks at him and says, "Nope, I'm a frayed knot."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigrich1776
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
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Have you ever heard of selective hearing?

I haven't

(Joke from my 14 year old son)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearded_drummer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06
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What philosopher appealed to only a small, select group of people?

Friederich Niche!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CognitiveNerd1701
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
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I feel like if my family and friends were selecting the epitaph for my tombstone they would go with "He meant well."

Especially if my last words were "Help! I fell in the wall!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bleacher_seat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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Get it now for only $399.99 in selected stores
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-wulv
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I made my own elevator but it makes me mad when people select a floor.

That really pushes my buttons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabrielc0208
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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After the pilot had a sudden heart attack, an air traffic controller had to coach a passenger in landing a cargo jet full of various cuts of select Kobe beef

The steaks had never been higher

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πŸ‘€︎ u/linknt01
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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THE INTERVIEW

Interviewer: How do you explain the for year gap in your resume?

Me : I went to Yale.

Interviewer: That's great. You're selected.

Me: Thanks I really needed this yob.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schrodingers_liar
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
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What do you call a toddler who can expertly select the proper whine for every meal?

A master so-smalier.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sammmbie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
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Long, stupid Dad joke

The ancient Greeks greatly feared volcanic explosions from Mt. Olympus, so they developed a tradition of sacrificing young maidens to the Gods on the mountain. Every year they selected five girls, and sacrificed four. Then they assigned the other one to stomp the olive harvest. That’s where we get Extra Virgin Olive Oil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Addama33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.

I like to keep all my bases covered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Legitimate-Hair
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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True story: I wanted to print a dozen copies of a document, but selected 'Number of Copies: 12' on both MS Word and the printer itself, just to be sure. Turns out, it treated that as 12 times 12 copies.

I soon discovered that I had made a gross error of judgment.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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People ask me where I am stealing all my dadjokes from

From a dad-a-base

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slcikdeaaal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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I was selected by a prominent judge to dress funny and make strange faces in public. I am not mad, I am justice appointed.
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2019
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Her: You have selective hearing. You only hear things that make you look good.

Me: Thanks. You look good too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2019
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I believe it's wrong for humans to selectively breed dogs until their faces are smashed flat and they can't breathe normally.

Hugs not pugs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wrethlig
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
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r/dadjokes is recruiting moderators, join us!

Update: Thanks for all your applications! Give /u/parin89 and I a few days to take a look and confer!
(if you haven't put your application in yet, you've still got time)

-

Greetings /r/dadjokes subscribers,

Years have passed since this sub started up, and there are now literally millions of you. Whoa.

Two million people is just two many two handle for two moderators. Especially these days, when both /u/parin89 and I have two many other responsibilities and a whole lot less time. I'm 200% sure most of you would agree that more mods are needed.

So we're looking for 5 more moderators to get involved. If you're keen to apply, read the rest of this post and answer the three questions in your comment response.

Answer these 3 questions in your reply:

  1. How would you describe a dad joke?
  2. Do you currently moderate any other subreddits? If yes, which ones.
  3. You see a post that is not breaking the rules or reddit's posting guidelines, but is generally disliked by the community. What do you do?

Only apply if:

  • You're a reasonable, fair-minded and patient human
  • You're in it to keep this community a happy, friendly and safe place for other humans
  • You've got previous mod experience from a decent sized community (let's say... 5k+)
  • You're cool with the first few months being a trial run
  • You understand that while we could use more active moderation, and would benefit from a few more rules, one of the things that makes this community great is that it's pretty open (after all, dad jokes repeat a lot and not every "repost" is necessarily an opportunistic attempt to game karma)

We'd benefit from a few practical things as well, it would be great if:

  • You live in a timezone that covers off either the USA, the UK, Australia (we'd like a spread)
  • You've got some automod experience
  • You've got some sub-customisation experience

Don't apply if:

  • You're ready to come out swinging with a power tripping ban hammer
  • You're more concerned about Internet points than real people

We'll leave this stickied for a week and then come back to message a few people and make some selections.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tali3sin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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Resurrection tour

I just read that Mariah Carey has been has been selected to play with Johnny Cash on his Resurrection Tour. There won't be an opening act, so it'll be only Cash n Carey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chichm
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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I’ve been selected to hide eggs in my town’s big Easter festival next year!

This is an eggs-hiding opportunity!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhabibs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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MRW I see My Neighbor Totoro is coming to select theaters

"Hey, let's go!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adelie42
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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When it comes to jokes about Eugenics,

I'm very selective

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πŸ‘€︎ u/prez9669
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Kid advice

Me just now to the my kids:

β€œMake sure you brush all of them [teeth]. I mean it. Front, back, top, bottom, inside, outside, up up, down down, left right, left right, B, A, B, A, select start!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gng007
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2020
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Budweiser?

Me sitting in the final interview of AbInbev.

Interviewer: Sorry, You are not selected.

Me: Budweiser?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YashBanzal
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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Charles Darwin always chooses the purple choc from the quality street tin.

It's a natural selection.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OliPark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
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In which my dad helped me select an appliance

Me: "Dad, do you have Consumer Reports? I want to look at refrigerators."

Dad: points at fridge "There's one!"

I gave him a high five while my mom rolled her eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kziv
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2015
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Candidates for the president of the Evolution Society said that the anonymous votes were fudged...

But the committee assured them it was just natural selection!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/space0watch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
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I tell my son: One does not simply become a dad and start telling great jokes,

One who is master at his craft is selected sexually by women to become the father.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/leyline
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2020
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What do the Houston Astros and Betty Crocker have in common?

A great selection of batters!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2019
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What do you call it when Trump gets the majority of delegates and still loses the nomination from a contested convention?

Unpresidented.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vetokend
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2016
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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon

Great food but no atmosphere

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MLGBANANABUS
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2018
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Why isn't a JetSki ...

... called a boatercycle?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuaggaSwagger
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
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Got my wife while buying groceries in Maui...

I have been holding onto this one for quite some time and got to use it today, while on vacation. When selecting eggs, which were about $9.80, I said "Wow, would you say these are...EGGspensive?"

She responded with a big eye roll. I was super happy.

πŸ‘︎ 536
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fernaceman
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2016
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Do I have to turn in my Dad card?

A young lady approached my wife and me at the park while we were watching the kids play. She asked if we would like to buy some Girl Scout cookies. We happily accepted and talked to her for a moment while she showed us the options and told us about each type of cookie. We made our selection, and she went on her way.

I failed to ask her which ones were made from real Girl Scouts.

I sincerely apologize for this oversight, everyone. Can I still be a Dad?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chaosTechnician
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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A man walked into a metal bar...

Slayer was on the radio and they had a great selection of beers on tap.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scottcmu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report

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