We've discovered the value of kraut sourcing.
It's easy. You could tell by its bark.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
He said, "let's revue."
...guess that makes it a coke-lloquialism.
But I'm making a sauce just for the halibut.
Because there Canola be one.
Thistle definitely get her attention
They always made him put their carrion overhead.
So this week he chose to make cards for each word. He made two cards for each word and made a Memory game out of them.
We are playing memory and I find the word "Joke" on one paper. I look at my son and say "Hey, you want to hear a joke?" and start to rattle the paper in front of him.
Then when I found the matching card, I said "Hey, want to hear the other joke?"
I am a bit proud of what I achieved today. I promise that this is spontaneous to me, even though I might have heard the word somewhere else.
So my older children are up and waiting for breakfast, and they started talking about a game variety of Parkour, and the word “legendary” is being thrown around casually. So I ask them if they know what legendary means, and my son says, after a minute of thinking, that it means very amazing. I answered, “No, legendary means super famous milk.” Took them half a minute to figure out and I got the biggest groans ever!
I bet Elijah wood know.
And asks the proprietor if she could recommend a bird cage. The shopkeeper replies that she has both plastic and metal varieties.
“Well what kind of metal is used in the metal one?” he asks?
“I’m not sure. Aluminum, I think,” she responds.
“Do you happen to know if it contains any nickel?”
“No, I don’t believe it does,” she answers, looking puzzled.
“Ah,” says the man. “So what you’re saying is that it’s a nickel-less cage.”
A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, 'Keep off the grass.' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which said.
Sorry, had to mow the lawn.'
As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!
I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.
Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!
They scan the room and approach the table of an available recruitment officer. "Hello gentlemen, please have a seat and we can begin." The two men sit in the chairs and pull up to the table. "Now," says the recruitment officer, "hopefully we can find employment for both of you based on your prior work experience. We have a wide variety of jobs available. I'll ask you some questions and we can go from there." The two men nod eagerly in agreement. The officer turns to the first man. "Can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a pilot," the man replies. "Oh, that's great," the officer exclaims, "I already know that we are definitely looking for pilots!" He takes some notes and turns to the second man. "And can you tell me what you did for work before today?" "I'm a wood cutter," the man says in reply. "Oh, dear," the officer says, shaking his head. "I'm sorry, but we have don't have any positions like that. I'm afraid we can place your friend, but not you." "That's impossible!" the man sputters in disbelief. "I'm sorry, sir. There's nothing I can do." says the officer. "We aren't currently looking for any wood cutters." "But that's insane!" the man shouts in frustration. "If I don't cut the wood, how is he supposed to pile it?"
...my mind raced with punchlines of the “about this far” variety. I tried a few on for size.
Then I realized he was looking distraught and realized I was potentially stomping on his blooming dad-joke career. So I stopped and said: “I don’t know son, how far?”
He still looked confused, and then I realized that he for real thought a “stud” was a measure of distance and this was a legit question. So I had to transition into google searching images of wall framing and what studs are. What a roller coaster of dad emotions.
100% True story. I was starting a new job at a software company and was talking to one of my coworkers who has many varieties of tea.
Me: That's a lot of tea you got there.
Him: Yeah, I'll let you sample one. Only $50.
Me: But isn't that a little steep?
Edit: Stupid phone formatting.
Apparently one in three was fired last year.
A husband and wife approached my register, and there's a variety of ways a customer will tell me they are in our rewards program. "I'm in the club." "I have a rewards card." Etc. There are a couple of weird ones people say, which brings us to this exchange I witnessed:
> Me: hi there, did you find everything okay?
> Wife: Yes, thank you. points to my till I'm in your computer, there.
> Husband: How the HELL did you fit in there?
> Wife: No, I meant I'm in the system!
> Husband: GASP You didn't tell me you were arrested!!!
> Wife: I swear to God I'm gonna hurt you.
We were coloring with our daughter, and I found a crayon labeled "manatee." I showed it to her and she remarked that she knew what color a manatee was now.
I explained that not all manatees are gray - some come in a variety of bright colors. Whenever people see one, they exclaim, "oh, the hue manatee!"
I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"
That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.
You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.
As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.
I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.
So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.
However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.
What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.
This is something I do often and will get a wide variety of actions.
Cashier: Would you like a receipt sir?
Me (with a slightly weirded out and inquisitive expression): Are you sure you want me bringing this back once i'm done with it?
This is an homage to my buddy Allen who is a master at puns in general and of puns of the antanaclasis variety in particular.
Allen likes to write fan fiction for Vladimir Nabokov's novel "Lolita". In Allen's version, the young girl tries to seduce an older man with hacky knock knock jokes. One example: "Hey big boy, I want to whisper something in your ear... Did you know Knock-Knock Jokes may result in swollen knuckles?"
The copyright holders have requested he take the jokes out. They said to knock off knock-off knuckle knock-knocks in Nabokov knock-offs.
Backstory: A small group of squirrels has been stealing our bird seed. We've tried a variety of methods to get them to stop, and my wife said "we need a bb gun." I had one when I was 12! "I bet my parents still have it," I said.
Me: Do you still have my old BB gun? Or a BB gun? or a pellet gun?
Mom: No, what r u doing?
Me: Killing squirrels.
Dad: Nuts, I wish I could help.
.....I cannot be upset because one day I will do this to my own children, like my father before me.
"Hey," she said, more brightly. "According to this book, 'the beaches of Cabo Blanco are frequented by a variety of wildlife, including howler and white-faced monkeys, three-toed sloths, and coatimundis.' You think we'll see a three-ted sloth, Dad?"
"I bet we do."
"Really?"
"Just look in the mirror."
"Very funny, Dad."
One day during the middle of World War II Hitler woke up craving a doughnut. He called for one of his soldiers to go retrieve him one. The soldier left before realizing Hitler never told him what kind of doughnut. Not wanting to go back and ask and be punished for taking too long the soldier got a jelly filled and went back. Upon seeing the doughnut, Hitler withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier square in the chest then called in his guards to clean up the body, and sent another soldier off to get a doughnut. Not wanting to be shot like his predecessor, the second soldier got a dozen in a variety and went back. Hitler looked over the box and again withdrew his pistol and shot the soldier. He called in a third soldier and sent him to complete the job the other two had failed. Soon enough, the third soldier had made it there and back. He timidly walked Into Hitlers room and presented him a single doughnut. Hitler looked at it and said "Finally, white powdered!"
My dad, myself and a friend were discussing an aquarium/zoo with a number of exotic varieties.
Friend: "Yeah, they have Albino gators, and a golden gator there."
Dad: "Surely the Golden Gators are in San Francisco?"
