Various Puns

I got mixed results.

“‘Kay, so...” the waiter started

But trust me, it doesn’t

Onlyflans

They're leaving no tern unstoned.

The steaks had never been higher

My prices are the bi rates of the car I be in.

Turns out there is a lot of cross referencing.

A turban legend

I have a Bee Tech degree.

Boring!

It was exhausting.

The man’s performance was universal.

I'll call it 'Just The Dip'

(I'm pretty sure this hasn't been made)

Her: "Are cows nice?"

Me: "Of course they are. That's why we tip them."

A fashion faux paws.

That must have been a really big bust

Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.

Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.

Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.

The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.

Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.

Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.

One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.

Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.

“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.

The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.

“Yes of course” replied Trevor

I was golfing in the Australian Open for the first time. I noticed all the pros were putting various condiments on their clubs. Salt on a putter, brown sauce on a driver, ketchup on a 9-iron.

I my caddy why they were doing it, and he explained that an Australian thing for good luck.

Now, by that time I had already shot straight into a sand trap so I said to him: "Too bad I didn't know about it. I really could use some of that luck right about now."

He just smiled...

...and gave me a vegemite sand-wedge.

It was my son's birthday, and we were doing a Thomas the Tank Engine theme. Went to the party supplies shop, and one of the things we got for the party was a helium balloon with Thomas on it. Gave it to him, told him to hold on to it, otherwise it would float up into the sky, all the way to the moon as Peppa Pig phrases it.

Anyway, I'm looking around and I notice something weird... there are Transformers helium balloons, Peppa Pig helium balloons, Barbie helium balloons, Thomas of course, various superheroes... but I notice the complete absence of Elsa and Anna on these balloons. But Frozen must be the most popular theme ever for girl's birthday parties, I would have thought. So why no Frozen helium balloons?

I asked at the counter, and they told me that they used to have them, but they got too many complaints. Apparently every time a parent gave the balloon to a kid, she'd just let it go...

Was giving tours of various buildings at my university this morning, one of the rotations was our Nursing building.

A mom asked “Is this Nursing school harder to get into than others?”

Looking confused, I opened and closed the door a little bit before saying “Nah, the door’s not that heavy”

Literally all the dads laughed while the moms and their children collectively groaned.

So my front yard has a lot of weeds and crappy grass I've been trying to get rid of for years. They're mutants, so nothing will kill them. This year, one of the decorative rocks has turned out to be covered by a giant shroom as well. This thing is enormous. It has about a hundred different canopies, but as far as I can tell it's all one organism.

So I was talking with her about things I might be able to use to get rid of all this stuff, shroom included, and after she suggested a mixture of various household products I asked if it would work on fungus as well. She said it was worth a shot and asked why I wanted to know.

I replied, "Because that thing's just taking up way too mush room."

I was over it in a few seconds, but she's been randomly cracking up for days now. Send help.

A bunch of in-laws were showing up today and I was working on last minute cleaning when various annoyances happened.

Wife: "How are you doing?"

"I'm grumpy."

Son: "Hi grumpy!"

The other day I was at a DIY shop, buying various tools for around the house. In my basket was a hammer, and when it travelled along the conveyor belt and reached the checkout girl I shouted 'Stop!'.

She just looked at me blankly, and I was too embarrassed to finish the joke.

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said “Mike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

Two NASA engineers were arguing over the feasibility of building a high tech satellite that could see everything, anywhere in the galaxy, by orbiting a spherical lens around a mirrored device at various ranges of orbit. An application controlling the length of the O-Range (range of orbit) would pull the lens in, then release it, and centripetal force would pull it out again. The length of the "app pull", the distance the application would pull the lens back from orbit, had to be precise to ensure proper visibility at all times.

One of the scientists argued that the math to ensure total visibility at all times did not work. Eventually, they brought in another scientist to settle the argument. After several moments reviewing the math the two scientists had done on the board, their colleague spoke out.

"It's so obvious why you two cannot come to a conclusion," he said, "you're comparing app pulls to o-ranges!"

Q: What do you do if a piece of purple fruit gets stuck in the drain and clogs it?

A: Call the plumber.

Q: What do you do if you live in a purple house and the lights go out?

A: Go to the fuchsia box.

Q: What do you do with unruly green kids?

A: Make them do limeout.

Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?

A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.

(I've posted these on various places on the web outside of Reddit over the years under various screen names.)

Glances at his watch, taps it, keeps walking and says "Still ticking. What a scam"

On a daily/hourly basis he reels them off. It's amazing. He also photoshops pictures (using Microsoft Paint, because he likes the challenge) of himself into various ridiculous and punny situations that might be the most comically genius things I've ever seen. If you're interested I'll find some for you guys.

Granted I'm sure he's collected these from various sources such as Morecambe & Wise, the holy grail of dadjokes.

1. I try not to mention donkeys around my dad, otherwise he will say "Eeyore! Eeyore! Eeyorelways (he always) says that!"

2. If a police car ever drives by and I'm with my dad, he'll get me in a headlock and shout "I've got him!"

3. If I ever start a question with "do you know.." he will always reply with "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it"

4. If you stand in front of the TV, my dad will tell you "you make a better door than a window."

5. If there is ever an ambulance going by with its sirens on, my dad will always say "He'll never sell ice-cream going at that speed."

We sell wooden soap dishes, made of various kinds of wood, as part of our business. When I get asked which is our best seller, I pick one up and say "This one is real poplar."

Once, there was a young woman who wanted to do a little psychological experiment. So she carefully bred cherry trees to bloom in multiple colors, and arranged to have them planted such that the trees of one color would spell out the name of some other color. You know, to test the Stroop effect.

However, the instructions (which were, admittedly, odd) weren't transmitted to the workers (all starving underpaid grad students) effectively, so the groups of various colored cherry trees were planted such that the colors matched the names, completely invalidating her experiment.

She's now the Stroop drupe group blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl, Stroop drupe blooper girl...

She now focuses on Anglo-Saxon royalty.

The sweater was made with alpaca wool and had a pattern with alpacas wrapping around her chest. It had a beautifully intricate diamond pattern of various colors and you could tell it was finely crafted.

Mom: wow, what a beautiful sweater is that made from alpaca wool?

Old lady: Yes, we have a small herd of them.

Dad: YOU HAVE A HERD OF SWEATERS?!

Old lady stares blankly into my fathers eyes not quite understanding as I’m dying.

A man from Spain visiting the US walked into a clothes store. He said to the clerk, "Quiero comprar unos calcetines, por favor." Unfortunately, the clerk didn't speak Spanish, and the Spaniard didn't speak English. They searched all around the store, the clerk pointing to various items, hoping to find what the foreign customer wanted.

He pointed at jackets, but the foreigner shook his head and said "No quiero chaquetas." Then he pointed at shirts, but the client was not satisfied and said "No quiero ni camisas." The clerk pointed at sweaters, pants, shoes... but the Spaniard said he didn't want "ni sudaderas, ni pantalones, ni zapatos...".

They couldn't come across the item the shopper needed. Finally, the clerk points to a table of socks, and the man from Spain exclaimed with joy, "¡Eso sí que es!" The clerk exploded in anger, shouting "If you could spell it, why didn't you say it before?!"

As family friend of ours has not been able to make it to various activities because he is a mortician and keeps getting called into work, when discussing this my very nonchalantly says: "we shouldn't feel too bad for him. Besides, people are dying to see him..."

Edit: spelling

My father and I had a pretty great relationship, along with my cousins, we would spend a few hours a day on the family farm working on various chores.

One day while working in the farm I claimed to Dad

"I can't wait till I can plow my girlfriend tonight"

Dad

"Girls don't like to be plowed son, they like to be tillered"

John Deavensmit was not having a good time. After an incident involving a coffee spill, he'd been sued for $50 million, and somehow the jury had ruled against him. There was no way he could pay that much money; he'd go bankrupt.

Naturally, he filed for an appeal, but the winner of the case was already beginning to hound him for money, hoping to get at least something before the judgement was overturned. John was nearly at his wit's end before he found an unusual package in his mailbox.

It was from a couple of his friends, who all went on to law school when John left to create a startup. They'd all been very successful, and had gone on to be justices at various levels, from courts in a small county in Wisconsin all the way to the Supreme Court. When he opened it up, he was surprised to see an ink drawing of a thick wooden stick. It was signed by his friends, and accompanied by a note:

> Hey John, > > We're sorry to hear about your loss in court last month. We met up at a judge conference in the Davison Center, and we thought that we'd do something special for you. We met up in the Grapefruit Room and all worked together to draw this. We hope you enjoy it! > > Your friends

Now, John had been to D.C. a few times, and knew about the Davison Centre. It was renowned for its very offbeat architecture. The Grapefruit Room was one of the weirdest: it had been constructed by taking a world-record grapefruit, carving out the flesh, and preserving the rind. The result was a walk-in fruit, and it always smelled of citrus.

It took John a while to work out the significance of the gift, but when he realized it, he was overjoyed. His good friends had seen fit to grant him a stave judge-men penned in a peel.

"Hey son how was class." "Pretty interesting, talked a lot about rape and the various kinds." "Sounds like a very penetrating subject." "God dammit dad."

So my sister, Sister-in-law, and brother were sitting in the kitchen talking about their favorite Chinese Food. My sister said her favorite was Dim Sum, after a long conversation pertaining the contents of Dim Sum and all the various things you could have in it "Sweet, Salty, Veggies," etc etc I walked past the kitchen and stated

"and Dim Sum"

Apparently, Alaskan racing dogs perform optimally when they consume non-meat products mid-run; needless to say, this has caused a great change in tactics. A lot of it is untested, but a few dogs are going through trials to see how various types of fungi impact their speeds. The training facility was just built; they call it the "mush room."

My roommate got a care package from his mother who sent him various odds and ends from his old place and some food that she made herself.

Roomate: "Whoa, sweet, she packed in some Jams too. Look, there's strawberry, apple, mango and blackberry."

Me: "So you're saying that box was jam-packed?"

Sitting with my father in the pre op room before he gets stints put into his arteries. Dr is talking to him about what they will do and various risks etc. Dad: Dr, will I be able to play the piano after the procedure? Dr: Yes, I see no reason why this procedure would stop you from doing that. Dad: Great! I've never knew how to play before! Then he continues to giggle and laugh as the dr continues to go over his procedure, and they didn't even give him the Valium yet.

It had various wooden pieces in different shapes and sizes, he started crawling towards our trash can and my wife shouted. "Don't let him in the trash! Get him!". I said "I can't! He's already a few blocks away!"

Eating steak

"This is the best steak I've had all day!"

End of my birthday

"This was the best birthday you've had all year!"

Any day of the week

"This was the best Sunday/Monday/Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday/Friday/Saturday I've had all week!"

Along with the New Years jokes and other various annual holidays.

I was demonstrating for a physics lab today and we were doing an electricity experiment, building circuits and measuring voltage and current with various configurations of resistors.

One pair asked me to look at their results so I picked up the paper and started to shake my head with a scowl on my face.

Girl: What is it? What's wrong?

Me: It's these results.... they're shocking...

After a second of being genuinely worried, they realised I was laughing and looked at me angrily.

Guy: That was terrible.

Me: Sorry, I just couldn't resist.

Cue Groans

I'm in a college course just called "Dinosaurs" and the professor owns most of the models he shows in class. We were covering bone structures and there were quite a few bones and complete skeletons all over the lab for various assignments. Curious, one student asked "Are these your bones?"

He responds, entirely deadpan, "No, my bones are still inside me."

(groans and chuckles throughout the lab)

We divided into groups and the lab was to use the measured volume and diameter of various spheres to find our own approximation of pi. So we had to use marbles and some ball bearings. We get to our station to start measuring when a girl in my group says:

Her:"Hey, where'd the blue marble go?"

Me: "I don't know. It'll be fine though, so don't... lose your marbles"

Her:nearly slaps me

I said it a few times that class, and when some other group dropped a marble down the drain I said it loud enough to get a groan from the whole class.

Me: Did you guys see that video about Ebola?

Everyone: Various 'No's

Me: It went viral

Everyone: Many groans and chuckles