My wife asked me to pick up a single lemon at the grocery store

But I have no idea how to tell if a lemon is in a relationship or not

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/faceoftheancients
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22
🚨︎ report
What do you win if you don't move a single muscle all week?

A trophy!!!

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joshually
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20
🚨︎ report
The greatest baseball player ever was a guy named Hugh McBealy, and he was most famous for every single time he came to the plate knocking the ball high over right field and into the stands.

He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.

He earned the nickname β€œthe machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.

And the day he retired a reporter asked him β€œHow does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”

Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. β€œWhat do you mean?” He said.

The reporter clarified β€œliterally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”

Hugh looked dejected and disappointed β€œyeah, my greatest failure...”

β€œWhat do you mean?” Said the reporter incre

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Frnklfrwsr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12
🚨︎ report
Did you know Michelangelo didn’t paint a single painting?

He painted loads of them

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/geoswede
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14
🚨︎ report
Today I took a single Cheerio from my son’s bowl, stared him in the eyes, placed it on the table, smashed it with my fist, and said β€œWatch out...”

β€œ...cereal killer.”

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VeryLastBison
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26
🚨︎ report
It's halloween and not a single kid came to my house trick or treating...

...that only happens once in a blue moon.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ewouldblock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01
🚨︎ report
A new hot single by "The Paint Rollers"
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NathyDre
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25
🚨︎ report
I go to the store and buy 2 eggs, a loaf of bread, and some milk. The cashier says β€œyou must be single” and I respond with β€œhow did you know?”

She responded, β€œ because you are ugly!”

πŸ‘︎ 208
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Parkwad
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
As a single dad money can be tight. But even when I’m on a date and I know I’m not attracted to her, I still like to get the door for her and let her walk through. It makes her feel appreciated.

And it makes it easier to slam the door and run so I don’t have to pay for dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/skullchin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31
🚨︎ report
My daughter thinks it’s weird that I eat a bowl of corn flakes every single day for breakfast

But I don’t see what’s wrong with being a cereal monogamist.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/K_Z_513
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20
🚨︎ report
Cowboy goes in to a hotel and says a single room and a wardrobe for my horse. Your horse sir the manager replied!

Yes my horse is a Mustang and it mustang somewhere!

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29
🚨︎ report
Did you know that a single sperm contains 37.5 MB of DNA information? Meaning that, during 3 seconds long ejaculation, more than 11,250 TERA bytes of information is transmitted.

That's alot of information to swallow.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07
🚨︎ report
Selena’s New single, Rice Cream
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AJSaporno
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28
🚨︎ report
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.

He was absolutely delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 348
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/entangled_dicks
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
I know every single digit of pi...

Just not in the right order!

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend and I have been together for 10 years, but I never heard her tell a single joke.

We are in a very serious relationship.

πŸ‘︎ 119
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
You were on a boat, I turned around and looked back, there was not a single person but you, why?

Because they were all married but you

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XBOXUSER101
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22
🚨︎ report
When I was a single man in college, I had a lot of free time.

Then I started listening to full albums, and hardly ever left my room.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02
🚨︎ report
"I don't have a single weed in my garden"

They're all married with children.....

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02
🚨︎ report
My daughter was particularly grumpy one morning even after breakfast. I gave her a single piece of crushed ice. "What's this?" she asked,

A chill pill.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahstir
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
🚨︎ report
Single and deadly
πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PelegCarmi777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
My sister may be a single mother but she had an amazing dad joke..

She was giving my niece (3) and nephew (6) a bath. When they were done, the kids used their towels as capes and were running around naked yelling 'we are super heroes!!' My sister responded with, 'I don't think think there are any naked superheroes... Except maybe The Flash.'

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
I can list every single number that's in Pi.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 0.

πŸ‘︎ 113
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OvertCinnamon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
I'm a single dad and a fast walker

I guess I'm just looking for love in all the wrong paces.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/revoltinglemur
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20
🚨︎ report
A woman checks out of target with two apples, a banana, and a quart of ice cream. The cashier asks, β€œAre you single?” The woman replies, β€œYes, how could you tell?”

β€œBecause you’re ugly.”

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/some-ginger-dude
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
My wife tried to unlatch our daughter's car seat with one hand and said, "How do one armed mothers do it?" Without missing a beat I replied, "Single handedly."
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I’m still single on Star Wars Day...

Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.

πŸ‘︎ 83
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SyncingShiip
πŸ“…︎ May 04
🚨︎ report
My son was upset after I gave him a single marshmallow.

I think he wanted s'more.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Make_me_laugh_plz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
What do you call 100 rabbits in a single file line marching backwards?

A receding hare line.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
Why does the boxer fail to tell a single funny joke?

He kept missing his punchlines.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bubble_Cheeks
πŸ“…︎ May 21
🚨︎ report
"My ex couldn't name a single metal band from the 80s."

"Slayer?"

"No, I just shook my head."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01
🚨︎ report
It's one of his singles.
πŸ‘︎ 29
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vt8919
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws

πŸ‘︎ 122
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
Most single guys

Either working together or working to get her

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13
🚨︎ report
A new zoo opened in town. I went to check it out, but the first and only thing that they had was a single dog in a cage.

It was a shit zoo.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/brooke_pollockkk
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
My son is still single on star wars day.

Apparently he's been looking for love in Alderaan places.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/phileo56
πŸ“…︎ May 04
🚨︎ report
Global warming will kill every single person on this planet,

It's a good thing I'm married...

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanner_Banner
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
Nickleback's latest single about fake African quadrupeds

"Look at this faux-giraffe"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/295138
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
I'm a single dad looking after two kids, a 9-year-old and a 5-year-old...

They're my 9 to 5.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
A short essay on the benefits of beating the shit out of each other β€” A satirical essay based on a single, overplayed pun

In my opinion we should beat the shit out of constipated people because:

  1. Laxatives are an unhealthy way of dealing with feces. On the other hand, beating the shit out of someone is a good way to practice sports activities like, running, grip strength, punching techniques etc.

  2. Other methods of dealing with feces take alot of money. Laxatives aren't cheap in our flawed healthcare system! On the other hand, there are people that are willing to pay you to beat the shit out of you. By using this method you can become richer and deal with your shitty problems.

  3. Constipation requires being in the bathroom for a long time. This can be very lonely for the people involved. However, beating the shit out of others can be done in any place. Your home, the local park, or even the shady street corner! Not only that it's a very social activity, requiring a minimum of at least 2 people, but usually done in groups of 2-5 people.

Although some people might say, that beating the shit o

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/a5paperblank
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
Someone said a single person can’t change the entire world.

They never ate an undercooked bat.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cesarchander750
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
My Music Pun of the Week. I have to change it Every. Single. Week. I'm running out of ideas.
πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/melissaanne7
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Single man with toilet roll seeks single woman with hand sanitizer..

Looking for good clean fun!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BHoleButterRoll
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
I’m still single on Star Wars Day...

Apparently I’ve been looking for love in Alderaan places.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/e3-po
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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