To me this was the moment I knew my girlfriend was a pun master.
Going to the kitchen to grab some more food, my girlfriend happened to be standing there. As a was scooping seconds of dinner she said something and I said one second.. She said "no seconds" as the scoop hit the plate and the words left my mouth.. Two puns at once! I was impressed and amazed needed to post it.
Playing soccer with my 8 year old brother (I'm sortve like an uncle to him) when he then says his eye is hurting.
Me: Really are you okay?
Him: Yeah it's alright. It happens sometimes when I'm reading and i can't make out the words.
Me: (thinking he may have dyslexia) Oh really, what happens to the words when you try to read them?
Him: I can't read them. Sometimes words just moosh together, like "they" and "are" become one word, it's weird.
Me: Maybe you just have conjunctivitis!
(Then had to explain what "conjunctivitis" and a "conjunction" is - still a win in my books)
As a sole provider they'll likely get you something that's laced.
It was two triggered.
they cost an arm and a leg
Hold it in front of a mirror
First she hit the roof, then the light, then the roof again.
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
Skipper of course.
A book mark.
"Sprint with me in hell"
a BOING 747
I graduated by the skin of my teeth
Irony on two many levels.
The bartender gives it to her.
But in the end I couldn't find three other people to go with.
The bartender gave it to me
If a woman sleeps with ten men she's a slut, but if a man does it he's gay.
We were sitting on a little bench, watching birds going crazy over some bread that had been left on the ground. "I wonder who gave the little birds those rolls", she said.
"Probably the casting director."
It's an octuple illusion!
So, my sister is having her final tests on high school (I'm in college and have a really cute son with my girlfried) and got home today with a weird look on her eyes. Me and dad were having some sandwiches and watching The Empire Strikes Back (Star Wars marathon hype!). I looked at her and asked what happened, she immediately responded "I'm tired as fuck." By that point, I looked at my dad. He was looking at me, with a sparkle on his eyes. We both stood up, walked to her and said together: "HELLO TIRED AS FUCK, WE ARE DAD" Even my mother started laughing. It was hillarious.
It’s two Chewie.
Turns out it was his work attire...
He's a boa constructor
The single e in “be,” too.
I was de-pleated.
It was replete with pleats.
So the Bartender gives it to her
Cher and Cher-alike.
Youth In Asia
It’s a no no.
There were only 3 of them so my coworker said "huh, that's odd."
"Of course man, if we had 4 it would be even."
He did laugh but not as hard as me.
So, I gave it to her.
Today a student of mine was wearing a Pikachu onesie for pajama day at work (a junior in h.s.).our conversation went like this. If she wasn't in anime club with me I would have left her alone.
Me: did your wear that so guys would want to take a peek-at-chu?
Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, please stop
Me: why? You scared they won't choose you?
Student : I'm going to stop talking to you now
Me: don't be such an Ash
Student : Mrs. Acinomismonica, you need to stop!
Me: c'mon student, you gotta Ketchum to my jokes
Enter the rest of my class groaning, it was a good day. Good thing I stopped before they threw Brocks at me.
My daughter was riding her bike while I was brisk walking next to her. After a few minutes, I told her that I was tired.
She goes "Hi Tired, I am two tired"
The lights were weaving in and out between the strings, all over the fretboard, etc, rendering it temporarily unplayable. So I asked, "How are you going to play it now with the lights between the strings?" He replied with, "Carefully." Of course. "But the lights will stop the strings from being used properly!"
"Well, they'll just feel a little lighter then, won't they?"
On a road-trip to Ohio, wife needs to use the new electric breast pump to feed our 3 week old.
W-What batteries does this thing take?
Me- Double D's.
W- Get out. I'm driving.
Because it's a no passing zone!
.... I'll show myself out.
One's a crusty bus station, the other's a busty crustacean.
At a restaurant, waitress comes to take our order...
Friend: Yeah, can I have the quesadilla? But I'm not that hungry, is there anyway I can have just one 'dilla' and not the whole case?
I preceded to laugh uncontrollably. The ladies contemplated leaving.
When taking cheese out of the fridge:
Brother: "What happened?"
Me: "Nothing, this cheddar is just really sharp."
After waiting for the groan, I threw in "that was pretty much the opposite of cutting the cheese."
Did you hear about evil man with two belly buttons?
He was di-umbilical.
As we order our ice cream, my parents, girlfriend and I.
Gf to dad: French vanilla huh? Fancy
Dad: Oui. Groans heard around the store
Dad: Ha! I'm funny
Mom: yeah, funny lookin'
The clerk apologized and said that the only rooms available had twin beds.
Disappointed, I remarked, "I don't know. We've been sharing the same bed for 44 years."
"Could you possibly put them close together?" my wife asked.
Several people nearby smiled, and someone commented, "How romantic."
My wife finished her request with, "Because if he snores, I want him close enough to be able to elbow him."
So I was at orientation for my new job yesterday. There's 2 people there from the company, and 4 of us new people.
After the orientation is done...
Guy next to me: (silences phone because it's ringing) Sorry... my dad's calling me.
Guy from company: What's he calling you? Mine normally calls me my name.
Guy next to me: That's weird! I thought your name was Mike! Nice to meet you, my name!
Both of them both start to crack. I nearly snort what's left of my kit kat up my nose because I started laughing and the other 3 people there are shaking their heads slowly at us.
Side note: both of them are dads and in their 30's. I'm 21, and not a dad.
A little background I work at a warehouse and was moving some pallets, I walked by a buddy of mine and the conversation went a bit like this:
Me: Hey do you want some wood to eat?
Him: Why wood I want that?
Me: Because I heard it's very palatable.
He made Crochet sign a quaver.
(Credit goes to a friend of mine who's been writing Christmas cracker puns)
Mom walks in
Mom: I have to go to Tuesday Morning to get a new shower curtain.
Dad: But it's Wednesday afternoon? Do you have a time machine?!
Mom: haha you're funny.
Dad: I'm not funny, I'm dad!
This stupid song from the movie Grease comes on the radio and my wife asked, "Do you know what part of the movie they sing this song in?". I said , " The worst part?" She said," No the end." And my son replied, "So the best?"
Me, talking to my gang of teenage kids about their day. I asked my oldest son what he was working for the upcoming science olympiad. My son: "We're working on a pendulum." Me: "Must be a lot of back and forth." ACTUAL LAUGHTER! After we settled back down, my son said, "We're also working on objects." I said "Objects?" puzzled. "No Dad! Optics!" "Oh! Optics.....I see. (big grin)" Laughter again! TRIUMPH!
My dad and I are in the car driving home from school, and we start talking about amazing talents. Suddenly my dad says Dad: "I can do a double backflip" Me: "No way Dad, this is probably some silly dad joke" Dad: "No seriously I can, I watched an 80 year old woman do it on youtube, I'll bet you on it" Me: "Alright fine, show me when we get home"
We get home. My dad goes to the grass to do his famous double backflip. He jumps in the air. Bends his back a bit. Then behind his back he flips the bird with both hands.
Dad: "I guess you owe me for the bet"
(Insert comment about a joke made by 2 dads here)
Talking with a co-worker when coming home from a conference, she started talking about how "one time this week I had lunch with..." and I cut her off, wondering why she only had lunch once this week. I've had lunch multiple times!
I later felt the need to apologize for my
d bdad joke, and she said that her husband and I are very literal people. I agreed, saying we are, in fact, literally people.
We were sitting chilling on the sofa, watching crap telly, she turned to me and said, "I'm tired".
"Nice to meet you tired, I'm Simon"
She's well used to my shit, so she fixed me with a steely gaze, totally unimpressed, and barked, "You're so funny".
"No, I'm Simon. I just told you that".
I snickered silently to myself as I ducked under the remote control that was thrown -hard- at my head.
I was in my Organic Chemistry class and we were talking about something called Frost's Circle My teacher asked why this is important and I said "Because it's cool" Groans everywhere. So I said "Well look at his diagram, there's no way around it." Double groans
So I was having dinner with my Wife's family and her niece is telling us about a shark attack she heard about.
Her, "It bit off his arm and swam away!"
Her Dad, "Well at least the guys 'armless now."
Me, "I just hope it was his left arm. Then he'd be all-right."
Set-up: I'm reviewing an essay for a classmate and his grammar is lamentable. I'm giving my husband some examples.
Me: He switches tenses mid-sentence and keeps using "begin" instead of "began."
Husband: The problem with people like you is that you're always too tense.
Me: Then get over here and give me a massage!
Husband: No, I believe in women's rights and would never want to be massage-onistic.
Text between two dads. Talking about our friend Sean but miss texted Seam.
Me: Can I get a ride from seams? Him: Yep but who is this seams guy will I like him? Me: Yeah you will like Seam. He really holds things together..
My editor in chief told me he couldn't go out to a concert the night before because his nephew had to have emergency gall bladder surgery.
My response: "Wow, the gall of him!"
His response: "Well, at least he had it removed now before it got any bladder."
I was standing in line when I had to sneeze. I sneezed 3 times when an old man came up to me with his wife and said "She thinks you sneezing is funny, but it's snot." Then he said to his wife "He's just trying to make the tissue dance, he put a boogy in it." As a bonus, while I was laughing, the wife groaned and he turned and yelled, " YOU HAVE NO SENSE OF HUMOR!" Great father's day.