Three Puns

"Battery case contains assault".

I have no egrets.

It was pretty humerus

and not using commas

I was confused why she wanted a hat made of forks

I’m pro-pane!

You, putting on a t-shirt.

I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.

In almost all cases its impossible to have three feet between 2 people.

They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

But mama told me not to come.

Pregnant

In essence, Jesus is never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you.

...probably used a pair of Caesars.

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

Third one ducks

Walk him, then pitch to the rhino. He’s a sucker for a curveball.

...a yellow belly, a red back, lives underground, and eats rocks?

A Three Legged Yellow Bellied Red Back Rock Eater!

I had to tell them to go away because they were tres passing

Attire

Luckily I was the one facing the telly

The fourth couldn’t afford to because she was Po.

It must be the high Mercury content.

...he disappeared without a Très

Isn't it windy.

No, it's Thursday.

So am I, let's get a cup of tea.

They crash and Poop falls out. Shutup runs to the nearby police station asking for help. A policeman asks “What’s your name?” “Shutup” “Excuse me? Where are your manners?” the policeman replies “Out on the road scraping up Poop!”

Lettuce romaine calm

a wonkey

Towels

Barkeep: I'm sorry, but we don't serve miners here.

Tell him a bench has wet paint on it, and he has to touch it to be sure.

Those who can add; and,

Those who can't.

Gas, liquid, and solid

Piiig

I said yeah me too that’s why I’m looking for my glasses

“One Two Three” because “Un Deux Trois” cat sank.

Pregnant.

One won one, and one won two.

Eating my family and not using commas.

They throw a cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.

A wonkey!

You walk him, and pitch to the rhino

Luckily I was the one facing the TV