Oman! Youโ€™re about to read some terrible stuff.

โ€œI live in Spain without the โ€˜sโ€™โ€.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

Itโ€™s about to Bahrain jokes without the โ€œBahโ€.

  1. I have a double China without the โ€œaโ€.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the โ€œanโ€.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the โ€œJโ€.

  5. You probably canโ€™t Kuwait to stop reading these without the โ€œKuโ€.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As youโ€™ve probably guessed, I donโ€™t even have one Nepal without the โ€œNeโ€.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the โ€œDenโ€, of course.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 14
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/anipanreads
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
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Why is the letter B so cool?

Because itโ€™s sitting in the middle of the AC

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/DrumSpace
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 20 2019
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DROP YOUR BEST PUNS FOR HISTORY DRINKING GAME

I'm creating a drinking game where every important event equals to drinking, but I am nowhere close to NAMING my drinking game. A friend of mine recommended this subreddit, saying that people drop some really punny puns here. Give your ideas for a title, I think up to 6 words would be okay.

Let's see what you can do!

What you need to know about the game:

  • You can create your timeline based on packages (ages, countries, continents, etc).
  • Every important event has a normal action and drinking action.
  • You never know in which year you are located but get an estimate year. You can either guess the year (or date) and get a free pass or you have to execute the action or drinking action. When you guess wrong, you'll have to double it.

That's basically it.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tyounr
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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My wife just got her breast pump going...

So my wife just got her breast pump all set up. She's got the double suckers rolling, tits out, milk flowing like a minor tributary. And I ASK "ARE YOU PUMPED?!" fucking genius.... She stared silently for like 10 seconds. Then told me to post here.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 95
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/JeremySTL
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 27 2019
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As a dad-to-be, you guys may often find me looking at the ceiling.

Just a head's-up.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 111
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/V13Axel
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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Man walks into a butcher store and sees a side of beef strapped to the ceiling. As he approaches the counter he asked asks โ€œHey, whatโ€™s with the beef?โ€

Butcher tells him if he can jump up and touch it, he gets half off his purchase. If not, he pays double. The man looks up at the beef and says,

โ€œNah. The steaks are too high.โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 10
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Tkl15
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic ย Abbott and Costello ย routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money. ย The skit ends with a simple โ€˜read my mindโ€™ routine that takes Louโ€™s last remaining bill. ย This routine was done ย many ย times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I canโ€™t. I canโ€™t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I canโ€™t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and youโ€™ll owe me 10 ย 
Lou Costello: Ok, Iโ€™ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: Thatโ€™s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: Thatโ€™s right. ย [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Donโ€™t change the subject.
Lou Costello: Iโ€™m not changing the subject; youโ€™re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, thereโ€™s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: Iโ€™m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I donโ€™t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: Thatโ€™s the way you feel about it, thatโ€™s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and youโ€™ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: Iโ€™m not running in, youโ€™re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I canโ€™t help it if you canโ€™t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, hereโ€™s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, wonโ€™t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tfraymond
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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My Dad Stopped At McDonalds

After we received our food, somehow they messed up our order.

My Brother: Dad, they gave me McChickens instead of McDoubles.

Dad: Looks like they made a McStake.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2k
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/CapnCrunchDaPimp
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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Waiting in line at Disneyland

A few years back the wife and I were waiting in line for a ride at Disneyland, and we were stopped next to a cast member door. One cast member was leaving for their break and asked if they could cross, and we kindly backed up a little for her. As she opened the door another cast member was coming out, who also crossed in front of us. I immediately turned to my wife and exclaimed "We've been double crossed!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 752
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/scaryuncledevin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 13 2016
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Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

โ€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?โ€

โ€œYeah, sure, what is it ?โ€ replied the man.

โ€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?โ€

โ€œThatโ€™s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?โ€ the man said angrily.

โ€œI just want to know.ย  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?โ€ pleaded the little boy.

โ€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.โ€

โ€œOh,โ€ the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, โ€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?โ€

The father was furious. โ€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.ย ย  Think about why youโ€™re being so selfish.ย  I work long, hard hours every day and donโ€™t have time for such childish games.โ€

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boyโ€™s questioning.ย  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.ย  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didnโ€™t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boyโ€™s room and opened the door.ย  โ€œAre you asleep son?โ€ he asked.

โ€œNo daddy, Iโ€™m awake,โ€ replied the boy.

โ€œIโ€™ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,โ€ said the man.ย  โ€œItโ€™s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Hereโ€™s that $9.00 you asked for.โ€

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

โ€œOh, thank you daddy!โ€ he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.ย  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

โ€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?โ€ the father grumbled.

โ€œBecause I didnโ€™t have enough, but now I do,โ€ the little boy replied.

โ€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.ย  Can I buy an hour of your time?โ€

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/cleverley1986
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
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Punsters of Reddit, I need your help

So I need a pun or simply clever line for a lock breaking-up with a key. Some ideas I've had include:

>"You just don't unlock me"

>"I don't think we're a good fit"

I realize these aren't really puns, but /r/DoubleEntendres doesn't have quite as much traffic. Any help would be appreciated!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/strangest_stranger
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
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Didn't realize it was a Dad Joke until too late...

A little context: I'm driving around in Yellowstone with my dad and my girlfriend. My dad went on a three week cross country ski winter camping trip when he was 17 in Yellowstone. We are currently talking about whether or not it is important to carry bear spray.

Dad: "Did I ever tell you about that time I woke up a bear on my ski trip?"

Me: "What?! No, that's crazy, what happened?"

Dad: "Well, we were skiing through an open field when we hear a rumbling from about 100 yards behind us, and we turn back and there's a huge bear, and he looks at us and starts lumbering in our direction. At the time, I was with this girl who was not a very good skier, but we were pretty sure black bears can't climb trees, so we start hustling towards the woods. So I'm pulling her along and this bear is gaining on us but we get to the closest climbable tree and the bear is still 50 yards back. Like I said, she wasn't a very good skier, or really very coordinated in general, so I help boost her up into the tree and she's up there and she's pretty safe, but this took a minute and a lot of my energy. So now the bear is only about 15 feet away, and I've still got my skis on, and, you know, back then we didn't have fancy cross country skis, we had these big metal cable bindings and leather lace up boots, so I definitely don't have time to get them off. And I'm so exhausted from dragging this girl across the field and then shoving her up into the tree that I've got almost nothing left, and the first branch is about 8 feet off the ground. But this bear is coming at me and there's nothing I can do but jump for it, so I leap and pull myself up and over the branch using everything I've got right as the bear lunges for me and bites into my ski boot. So here I am, doubled over this branch with a bear's jaws on my foot, my skis on, and not one ounce of energy left, and he's really sinking his teeth in and he's really just pulling my leg just like I'm pulling yours!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 243
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/pipore22
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 08 2014
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Got Dad Joked by my 10 Year Old

My two sons and I were picking up our dog from boarding. My 9 year old points to a sign that says "Puppy Kindergarten" and says that our dog should be in puppy pre-school since he is only three. I respond saying that in dog years, he is old enough to hang out with me at a bar. My 10 year old, without missing a beat, said, "Make mine a double...I've had a ruff day!"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 84
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/octobert
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
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I was playing in the darts final

Threw the first dart. Umpire says โ€œdouble twentyโ€. Threw the second dart. Umpire says โ€œdouble twentyโ€. Threw the final dart and a nun stood up, hit her straight on the head and killed her.

Umpire says โ€œOne nun dead and eighty!โ€

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/atomicheart99
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 30 2018
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/onmugen
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
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A Man Gets Into A Taxi

A man walks out of his work building and hails a taxi. He gets into the taxi and says, "Take me to the sandwich shop up on 45^th street." Ten minutes later they arrive, and the cab driver checks the console. "That'll be $12.00." The man is shocked. "This route used to be only $6.00! What happened?" The taxi driver explains. "Well, construction was blocking the usual route, so I had to double back and take a longer route." The man considers this, then shrugs.

"I guess that's fare."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KlausBaudelaire
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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I took my son out for a beer for the first time last night...

I got him a Fosters, but he didn't like that, so I had it.

I tried him on Carling, but he hated that too, so I drank that as well.

Same thing with Guinness and Bitter.

I was doubling up on everything and he was happy with just fruit juice.

By the time we got onto the vodkas, I was too drunk to push his stroller home...

๐Ÿ‘︎ 3
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2017
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It certainly ruffled some feathers

I am a math teacher to high schoolers and we were going over 2d and 3d shapes. I started to draw random pictures of birds using the shapes and ended up with a toucan picture. So I made the bird say "if I can do it, Tu-can too!" which was a double joke because most of the kids speak Spanish and I spelled it as 'tu' which means 'you'. I got so many groans and "wow Mrs. Acinomismonica" so I could tell they thought it was an egg-cellent joke.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 18
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/acinomismonica
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 08 2015
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Just cracked this one off at lunch.

Was eating burgers with the wife and daughter when my wife (who picked up the food) said, "I was going to get us singles, but I went with the double. Just felt in the mood for a meatier burger."

"Did your burger kill the dinosaurs?" I deadpanned.

"What?"

"Your burger. You said it was a meteor burger."

"Meatier...meatier...METEOR Burger? Goddammit, goober."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 7
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/KingPellinore
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 29 2015
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My girlfriend was running pretty late this morning

So much so that she told me she had to go put on make-up while using the restroom. I told her it sounds like she's pulling double-doodie in there.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! ๐Ÿ’‘

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/irishtexmex
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 14 2015
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The tools of murder!

It was a dark and blustery Friday night. My wife and I were doubling with my sister and brother in-law at a delicious BBQ joint. Bro in-law (Jordan) asked us if we were up on the latest celebrity gossip.

Jordan - Did you hear about the actress who killed her husband?!

Us - what? No! Who?

Jordan - Ya! She stabbed him with a knife when he came home. I just can't remember who it was... What was her name?... Reese! Reese something...

Us - Wait! Witherspoon??!

Jordan - No! I just told you. With a knife!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/austynross
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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So my brother got a new bed and had to assemble it...

It was a double bed so it took up quite a part of the room.

Brother: There isn't much left of the room. (bed occupied a lot of space)

Dad: It's clearly turning into a BEDroom!

๐Ÿ‘︎ 11
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/FrogDie
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
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Pizza for babysitter

Wife and I are going on a double-date. Our pals have an older kid who will babysit our young ones. We put an order in for pizza for our kids and asked the other couple what the babysitter would like. The response come back, Margherita.

Me: "If you say so... I'll have to pick up some tequila while I'm out."

Cue the groans.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/commondenominators
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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Dad Joked by my Roommate

So I was having a late dinner with my roommate on the last day of our reading break, and we ended up on the topic of historical literacy. This is what followed:

RM: "When was the Declaration of Independence signed?"

Me: "1776."

RM: "Yeah, but specifically what was it signed on?"

Me: "Uh, The Fourth of July?"

RM: "No, it was signed on paper."

Needless to say, I double-facepalmed and finished my shake with that weird feeling you get after such a joke.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 5
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/toastfan902
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 22 2014
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My dad's best joke

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string goes up to the bartender and says,

"Hello, I'd like a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my buddies, please."

The bartender replies,

"Sorry pal, but we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the first string returns to his friends and relays the transaction. The second string can't believe this, and walks swiftly up to the bartender and says,

"Hey, buddy. I need a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my friends!"

The bartender sternly states,

"We don't serve strings here!" The second string returns to his friends, defeated. The third string looks at his pals and says,

"Guys, I got this."

He goes into the bathroom, unravels himself a little and tangles himself up a bit. He walks confidently up to the bartender and says with gusto,

"Bartender! You are going to give me and my friends a pitcher of your finest beer, and three frosty glasses, on the double!"

The bartender sighs and says,

"Like I told your buddies, WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS HERE."

The third string leans across the bar, chuckles, and says,

"String? I'm a frayed knot."

๐Ÿ‘︎ 2
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/valinorbound
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
๐Ÿšจ︎ report
Oman! Youโ€™re about to read some terrible stuff.

โ€œI live in Spain without the โ€˜sโ€™โ€.

This inspired me to come up with some truly terrible country-related jokes.

Itโ€™s about to Bahrain jokes without the โ€œBahโ€.

  1. I have a double China without the โ€œaโ€.

  2. Some people have told me that I look a lot like a German without the โ€œanโ€.

  3. Oman, I think that one conspiracy about Israel Israel.

  4. You all probably want to hit me with Japan without the โ€œJโ€.

  5. You probably canโ€™t Kuwait to stop reading these without the โ€œKuโ€.

  6. Nowadays, car companies are focusing on making electric cars, but I Madagascar.

  7. As youโ€™ve probably guessed, I donโ€™t even have one Nepal without the โ€œNeโ€.

All of these bad jokes made me Hungary so Iran to the nearest shop to get some food. Why am I always India-r need of food?

I sincerely apologise, fellow people. These jokes probably left a painful Denmark on your souls without the โ€œDenโ€, of course.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 6
๐Ÿ’ฌ︎
๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/anipanreads
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
๐Ÿšจ︎ report

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