Here’s a little early access to a pun I made. I’m not sure if this joke has been said before but I hope not. I love making up puns
I’m so good at making up puns ..
They actually make me money, some would say I’m an entre-pun-eur.
If giving up puns is what will help me be Russian.
I was considering giving up puns for Lent, but then I thought... not so fast!
man, making up puns...
...is a consonant struggle!
Ah discord bots, perfect for setting up puns
Man walks into a shop and picks up a can of bug spray
The man asks "is this good for wasps?"
The cashier says "no sir, it kills them"
My wife beamed at me and said, “I had no idea our son would go that far!” Tearing up, I stammered, “I know!"
"The trebuchet is amazing! Go get our daughter!"
I had to break up with this girl who just would not stop counting.
I wonder what she’s up to now.
I gave up my seat to a blind person on the bus.
Thats how i lost my job as a bus driver
I tried googling tips to stop procrastinating but I ended up reading about photography
When quarantine messes up your plans...
Bilbo Baggins wakes up suddenly to “Don’t Stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
After being single for years, my best friend said, "Can I set you up?
I said "Go on then!!"
Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit.
you know what drives old people up the wall?
Wanna know a word I just made up?
What do you call a bee that cannot make up its mind?
Courtesy of my 5 y/o daughter.
It's a movie about an old man turning his house into a hot air balloon
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
How dare they make someone else clean that up
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25 You know why?
A man came up to me and said "Man, your clothes look gay".
I said "I know, they came out of the closet this morning".
I called my wife and asked her if she wanted me to pick up fish and chips on my way home.
She just grunted. I think she regrets letting me name the twins.
Never trust an atom, they make up everything...
But I know I can trust molecules, we have chemistry.
Palpatine voice Ionic...
I was in Russia listening to a stand-up comedian making fun of Putin.
The jokes weren't that good ,but I liked the execution
A little boy ran up to me " please help, my Dad is in a fight " I followed and we came across two men fighting. I said, " Ok, which one is your Dad ? " ..
.. " I dunno, that's what they're fighting about "
What do you call an alligator that shows up suddenly and out of nowhere?
I woke up this morning to find two birds sitting in the sun in our backyard eating ice cream.
They were Basking Robins.
How do homes strike up a conversation?
If FedEx and UPS merged, the employees would be
How do Cicadas know to wake up every 17 years?
They have Cicadian rythm...
I broke up with my royal girlfriend...
My neighbor is stalking me by looking me up on Google and checking my social media every hour
I saw it through my telescope last night
My kid asked me if it's true that some species of Whale can grow up to 100 feet?
I said it's when they're really tired after swimming too long, they can use them to walk home instead.
Got my sisters whole family with my dumb owl joke, with a bonus follow up groaner
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad
Me: I'm a faux pas
I just hooked up with a reclusive girl on Tinder...
Never trust stairs, they are always up to something
Why did the potato cough up blood?
Because it had tuber-culosis
A good way to strike up a conversation with someone you find attractive
I signed up for my company’s 401k
But I’m nervous because I’ve never ran that far before.
A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.
He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.
"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.
"Oh, This is Michelle"
This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts
My little brother just came up with this: Why was the fully loaded hot dog cold?
Because it was a chili dog.
My Son came up to me this morning and said "Don't be sad".
Cuz "sad" backwards is "das". And das no good.
The old beat up sneaker asked his lace if he would make it through the run. The old lace replied
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
One day is all I lasted as a Mailman. Turned up on time in my shiny new uniform, was a handed a letter and thought to myself..
I need help coming up puns with the name Fiona
All I can think of/find is shrek jokes and "The owner/Fiona" puns. It would be great if you guys can help.
I phoned the wife earlier and asked if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on the way home, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.
Never trust an atom, they make up everything!