Student: Professor, can I do something to raise my grade?
Professor: Um, you know it’s May, right?
Student: Of course, so sorry! “May I do something to raise my grade?”
I can do calf raises just by mooving it.
Gatorade should run some kind of charity promotion where they raise funds to help preserve endangered species of alligator.
My wife raises animals and also sells medicines
She's a farmercist
(based on a true story)
If there is one genre of music that raises me up on some days and gets me down other days
How do one-armed mothers raise their kids?
I was working my 9-5 at the paint supply warehouse, I just asked my boss for a raise
He handed me a ladder and asked if that was good enough
What do you call a farmer that raises hens?
We should raise the Lego bricks and help them to a normal Level of Respect!
They have been stepped on for far too long.
What do you call someone who raises chickens for a living?
Last night, there was such an amazing stand-up comedian at the party that we decided to raise our glasses filled with alcohol to praise him.
**Raises glass** To wives and girlfriends...
Not really sure this is a dad joke but my daughter just confused us both. She's making bracelets and said she plans to sell them for 50 cents to raise money for her school.
She said she'll give half to her school and keep a quarter for herself.
Make sure you raise your left leg at midnight tonight guys.
Let’s start the new year off on the right foot.
My Dad is currently riding his bicycle across America to raise awareness for Colon Cancer...
[and posted a picture of him and his bike on a rest day.] (https://i.imgur.com/IapqomG.png)
Edit: Whoa this is getting popular. I live on the other side of the world, and am about to go to bed, but I am just going to put his [donation page] (http://ccf.convio.net/site/TR?px=3433802&fr_id=1580&pg=personal) at the top of the post if anyone is interested. It is no big deal, but if someone is looking, I thought I'd put it at the top. Either way, you all are going to make his day when I show him how many people appreciated his joke. I just hope this doesn't mean that I have to laugh at all of them from now on...
Why did the vegetable want a pay raise?
Because he wanted a bigger celery. And maybe even a stock option
I decided to leave my strict, religious Pennsylvanian community to raise ducks. When I told my father, he said "Son, you have a choice"
You can either be a Quaker, or a Quacker.
I told my boss that three companies were after me, and I needed a raise to stay at my current job.
"Which companies are after you?" my boss asked.
"Gas, electric and cable" I responded.
Those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand
Ropes were invented by boat companies to raise sails
What do call a condiment that raises horses?
I wanted to raise my weekly budget, but realized I can't..
Because I can't lift more than £50!
Let’s raise the steaks here.
CAN you raise your voice unto the malt, sing songs and Heineken of glory
I yelled "hello" to my friend walking far from me. He didn't know whether to merely raise his hand or say "hello" back...
I see your Impeachmints, and raise you my
Going to start a band for kids to raise the awareness of eating your vegetables.
We are called the Rap Scallions with our debut single “Pump up the Yams.”
Why did a baker ask their boss for a raise ?
Because they need the dough
It's amazing that cops don't raise honey bees on the side.
They're experts at sting operations.
Gay couples shouldn't be allowed to raise children
It's child abuse to expose them to twice the amount of dad jokes
Ever ask yourself who, in a perfect world, would raise a child?
The answer should be apparent.
My job sucks. I even tried calling my boss Viagra, but still no raise.
Why did the pizza-maker ask for a raise?
I could never raise livestock. But my nephew can.
I told my boss that I needed a raise, because there’s 3 other companies after me right now.
The electric, gas, and water company.
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
My wife got a hair cut, earrings, airpods, and makeup after she got a raise at work.
All that money really went to her head.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls ?
Because they are neck romancers !
This espionage agent was so terrible at his job, they sent him to raise sheep instead
My friend said you need £250,000 to comfortably raise a baby.
Although in my experience, you only need two arms.
What does Thomas the Tank Engine use to raise pancakes?
Why was the short tempered doctor given a raise?
Because he was always the first to run out of patients.
I hope whoever thought of this name for this peanut butter got a raise.
My personal trainer said I should start doing calf raises.
I can barely lift up my cat, let alone a baby cow.
I told my boss that three companies were after me and I need a raise....
My boss asked “What companies? “
I answered; "Gas, water and electricity."
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