Chinese synthesize new element which causes a 500% increase rate of panda mating

It's panda-moan-ium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Psyched_to_Learn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13
🚨︎ report
I was hired to represent the hard outer layers of cereal grain in a positive light and by doing so help to increase awareness and sales.

I'm a bran ambassador.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
Amazon wants to open a new factory to increase their profits by 100%. The obvious choice of location is...

Dublin

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boilerup4444
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Taylor Swift could further increase her revenue by opening an express alterations shop

and calling it Tailor Swift

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeexterminator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Old mystical method to increase your carbon footprint
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πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance?

Look at it through a magnifying glass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_hate_android_p
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A local baker decided he could increase production and profits by putting bread in the oven for half the usual time.

His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vandorbelt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
🚨︎ report
In an announcement to coincide with International Women's Day, the Church of England has announced a drive to increase the number of female vicars...

They want to decrease the gender pray gap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybot2001
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you know that having a household cat increases your chances of being killed by a cat?

I was petrified.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpectrumPrime
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases

We call this high coo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainPatent
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.

Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.

πŸ‘︎ 96
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conniption26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Studies show that telling Dad Jokes increases fertility.

I mean... it's conceivable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivey090
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the recent Irish population increase?

It's Dublin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ColonialDagger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
🚨︎ report
Studies show habitual marijuana smokers have increased saliva production

When asked if there was any prevention, scientists stated you can either spit or get off the pot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaxEcho
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
🚨︎ report
Lines for urinals have become an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.

So mind your pees in queues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12
🚨︎ report
Lately, I’ve grown increasingly apathetic towards eating vegetables

Some days, I just don’t carrot all

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ May 24
🚨︎ report
I was watching a series of increasingly funny cow videos, and even though CowVid#18 was hilarious...

...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07
🚨︎ report
Did you know that flight simulator game sales have increased since the outbreak?

A lot of pilots are working from home too!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
With everyone in lockdown, cases of Stuckhome syndrome are significantly increasing.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KEARNAG3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
🚨︎ report
Toilet paper companies have decided against increasing production to meet current demands.

They said it would make business plunge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOrderOfARA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...

It’s getting old

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tico46
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17
🚨︎ report
In the future...

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
Increasing security
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luckiest0522
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Job Interview for Later

Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about Trump wanting to inject disinfectant?

It'll lead to an increase in the Dettol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thespecialpun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
🚨︎ report
There’s a recent report that counterfeit $1 bills have increased in circulation.

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do partcles get exited when we heat something up?

Because it's volume increases

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MAX3344
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
I wasn't sure about increasing my bandwidth

But I think it was net gain

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirillsimin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Here is a series of increasingly terrible math puns.

What kind of math do birds use?

Owl-gebra

What kind of math does a farmer use?

Cow-culus

What kind of math should you avoid if you have carpal tunnel?

A-wrist-metic

Which mathematical process would you use to find the total amount of chinaware you have?

Ad-dish-on

Which mathematical process would be most commonly found in a 1950's style diner?

Malt-iplication

If one runner on team injured her leg, how would you find out how many can still run?

Sub-track-tion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkipperXIV
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
What happens when this post gets updooted

There's an increase in enslaved 1's and 0's

thanks to u/Dietcokeisgod for helping

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LolzLolzHey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
What's more effective than a heat-seeking missile?

A heat-seeking hittle

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Prime numbers and stoners have a lot in common.

The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
A new study finds fish are increasingly weight conscious.

Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nothingsexy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
🚨︎ report
Bus drivers keep increasing the rate on a local route

I guess they're taking me for a ride

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scott003
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
🚨︎ report
My husband suggested we get a repeater to improve our router signal...

Me: A what?

Him: A repeater.

Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin

Him: Oh my god.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/misscharl0tte
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2016
🚨︎ report
I don't trust stairs, they're always upto something.

On the other hand , they are down to earth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hufflepuffrhino
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
🚨︎ report
The frequency of dad jokes has increased due to the family being around for Christmas.

My sister had a good one today at dinner.

We were all commenting about how my dad seems to be friends with a lot of plane pilots. My sister chimes in with "It's always good having friends in high places".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FerociousSalmon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2013
🚨︎ report
A man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method

A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.

At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.

On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Just got dropped back at uni...

Me: I've got a fatigue lab tomorrow morning.

Dad: Wow, that sounds tiring.

He laughed so hard he nearly fell off the pavement.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrightSideOfMeth
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
🚨︎ report
A periodic table.

I told my dad we were studying the periodic table in chemistry he sent me this

πŸ‘︎ 336
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImAtWorkAcc
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2015
🚨︎ report
Wife got me today

She's trying to increase her daily water intake. I told her, "If you want to try and keep up, I already finished my first quart for the day." She replied, "No, we don't want to turn this into a pissing contest."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cplhunter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do dogs’ ears go down when they are running?

To increase their earodynamics.

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my gf at the gym

My lady and I workout together during the week. Yesterday was chest day and we usually start with incline DB press. She pumps out her second set very well: controlled reps, full range of motion. I was proud to see her progress. She said the weight felt easy, to which I replied, "you could increase the weight... if you were so inclined." She muttered "oh my goodness..." and walked away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hu_lee_oh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Hi Hungry, it's Dad. I have an important update for you.

Starting on the 1st of December and running until the 10th, /r/dadjokes will be self-post only. This 10 day trial is being conducted to measure the overall effect on post quality. We hope to see a reduction in posts that exist purely for karma-gaming, and an increase in posts that represent our favourite dad jokes and stories.

This is not a ban on images. You may still link to pictures within your self-post - but you will no longer receive karma for doing so. Also as a suggestion try and be witty about it, don't just post pictures as the only content in the post. If there is a story behind it (involving your dad or anyones dad) then give that more of a preference and use the picture as a supporting arm for the joke, remember to be nice and the punnier the better.

As always, we're open to hearing your thoughts on the matter - and this thread will be stickied for the 10 days so that you can pop in and let us know how you feel the trial is going.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/parin89
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2013
🚨︎ report
My wife just told me that she is a body builder...

...I'm so excited to be a dad in 9 months!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hxadcml
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2016
🚨︎ report
This is my dad’s favorite joke, and it’s completely awful

Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms.

At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. β€œSurely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two f

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlatinumPoptart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
🚨︎ report
Got a few the other day.

I cut my finger open and didn't notice it.

Dad: "Hey, you cut your finger pretty bad there."

Me: "I did? Didn't notice. I lost feeling in that one a few years ago when I cut it open at the base."

Dad: "I lost sensation in my thumb after I did the same thing, so I know the feeling... Or do I?"

Driving to the store.

Me: "The tires feel kind of flat. Should probably stop at a gas station and increase the pressure."

Dad: "We have to be careful, though. Too much pressure and they'll get nervous."

Going to the Cheesecake Factory.

Me: "We have to take the bridge, right?"

Dad: "Yeah, but we're gonna have to give it back afterwards."

Goddammit, dad.

πŸ‘︎ 423
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZTheJerk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/westerbypl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2017
🚨︎ report
At a deli with my dad the other day...

My dad and I were at a local delicatessen recently and I was lamenting the increase of prices for the meats since the last time we were there. He told me in order to lower costs, maybe they should outsource who they buy their meats from...

Dad: "The meat would come from Coldcutta, India".

Me: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlliKnowIsMayo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I just had a customer come up and ask if we had anymore celery. . .

I said "no ma'am I'm sorry we're out of stalk on that item."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pete_the_rawdog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
🚨︎ report
[REQUEST] I'm looking for the best comeback to the old schoolyard joke, "Do you like seeeeee food?" While smacking and showing off the half chewed mouthful of lunchable they'd just choked down....

And I know most of you here can do better than my,

While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."

Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?

Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerHero
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2015
🚨︎ report
My local bowling league has just began a walkout until better playing conditions are met

People are still unsure if strikes have increased or decreased during this period

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moenrtostatlaue
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
🚨︎ report
[META] A plea for real dad jokes.

EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.

It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.

Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.

Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.

Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, invo

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
🚨︎ report
[META]Could we please get the non-dadjoke puns out of here?

I've seen a steady increase of non-dadjoke puns in this sub over the last few months. It seems that people equate dadjokes with puns, which is not correct. Go to /r/puns for that. This comment by /u/skeptickal is a great explanation of the origins of dad jokes.

I do realize that it's hard or impossible to create a written rule of what is and what isn't a dadjoke, but whoever's moderating this subreddit should know.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buddhainhair
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2014
🚨︎ report
A Rich Man, his Chef, and his Servant.

There's a rich man that has an Italian chef named Antonio and a Mexican servant named Terry. The rich man requests a meat dish with an Asian kick, so the chef gets to work, but he soon notices that he has no Asian flavoring. Frantically, he sends the servant to get some sauce.

As the rich man becomes increasingly impatient for his meal, the chef calls the servant and asks, "Terry, where are you, and what sauce did you get?"

The servant, pulling into the driveway, replies simply, "Terry aqui!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hammershank
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2015
🚨︎ report
At a restaurant with my family...

So I'm at a restaurant with my family and my mom jokingly tells the waiter that beceause there's new menus, there must have been a price increase.

Mom: "ah, new menus! Must mean the price has gone up!"

Waiter: "hahaha just a little ma'm, just a little!"

Dad: "well can you bring me the old menu please?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HIDEOUS_RAPIST
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
🚨︎ report
Got some great news from my dad yesterday

Him: My test results came in. The tumors in my lungs and back haven't spread and have begun shrinking thanks to the treatment.

Me: That's wonderful!!!

Him: They're still there but at least they haven't increased by one and become tremors.

Me: Hm? I don't ge......oh goddammit.

My dad everyone. Even when battling cancer, there's still time to make a joke.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whitesummerside
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Concern over ticks

My wife discovered a tick in our house - likely brought in by the dog after a hike with the family that day. At dinner, it prompted a discussion about the relative risk of Lyme disease and its recent increase in media coverage. My wife made the argument that, while incidents were up, the overall risk is really quite low when you look at actually numbers of incidents. As such, the media coverage is not warranted relative to other safety concerns. My rebuttal:

"Frankly, I think it's about time we had a tick talk"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/canadasecond
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2015
🚨︎ report
How to get your kid to stop picking his nose around you.

When I was a kid, any time my dad saw me picking my nose, he would say:

"Hey, is that a diamond in your nose?"

Me: "What? No."

Him: "Oh IT'SNOT?? ***IT'S SNOT???***"

After the first couple times, I stopped responding. The worst part is that he eventually stopped caring whether I humored him or not and would just jump right into the punchline.

"Is that a diamond in your nose? OH, IT'S SNOT??" And then he would just laugh hysterically, and say it again while he was recovering from his laughing fit. "IT'S SNOT?!?!?" He'd probably say it 5 or 6 times while increasingly losing his shit each time until his words were just incoherent. I used to think he was laughing at the joke itself, but now I'm pretty sure that the more straight/annoyed my face was, the funnier the whole bit was for him, which explains why he would laugh harder and harder as he went on with it. Then he'd finish with one of those high pitched 'laugh-ending' sighs and wipe his eyes. God it was obnoxious.

I

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report
I was very pleased with myself in today's meeting.

The presenter was talking about this trade program, and how if Congress doesn't renew it, we're going to see a huge increase in the price of pants. He said the effect of this is really regressive, since the people it affects the most are the ones who can least afford it.

I decided to chime in, "Yeah, really hits them below the belt."

Actually got a halfway decent laugh.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
🚨︎ report
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timoteostewart
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What happens when the average bullies in a school goes up.

The mean increases..

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CHEEZY_21
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases!

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
🚨︎ report

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