What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?

A wet Pomeranian.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_F_Pumpkins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Ive invented a product that increases the size of your basement...

I hope it is a big cellar.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the population increase in Ireland?

Yeah, they say it’s Dublin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhodatoyota
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Chinese synthesize new element which causes a 500% increase rate of panda mating

It's panda-moan-ium.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Psyched_to_Learn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I was hired to represent the hard outer layers of cereal grain in a positive light and by doing so help to increase awareness and sales.

I'm a bran ambassador.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Taylor Swift could further increase her revenue by opening an express alterations shop

and calling it Tailor Swift

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeexterminator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
🚨︎ report
A local baker decided he could increase production and profits by putting bread in the oven for half the usual time.

His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.

πŸ‘︎ 193
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vandorbelt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
🚨︎ report
I have a invention! It's a small edible device that would freshen your breath while simultaneously releasing a subtle and soothing A-chord. You would use the device (with the fresh breath and soothing sound) to help increase the effectiveness of apologies.

I call it:

THE A-TONE-MINT!!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 104
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gbeeson
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2016
🚨︎ report
What's the best way to increase the size of your bank balance?

Look at it through a magnifying glass.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_hate_android_p
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
When baby delights, and pitch of voice increases

We call this high coo.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainPatent
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
In an announcement to coincide with International Women's Day, the Church of England has announced a drive to increase the number of female vicars...

They want to decrease the gender pray gap

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cybot2001
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
The increase of bad parents has directly influenced the increase in gays.

Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Conniption26
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Did you know that having a household cat increases your chances of being killed by a cat?

I was petrified.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpectrumPrime
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Studies show that telling Dad Jokes increases fertility.

I mean... it's conceivable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivey090
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the recent Irish population increase?

It's Dublin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ColonialDagger
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2015
🚨︎ report
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.

The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
With the increasing cases of Covid in America, I was worried there would be a shortage of paper towels.

But I found the grocery story to be Bounty full.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zkck0517
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Women should not have babies after 40.

That's too many babies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MookieV
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Studies show habitual marijuana smokers have increased saliva production

When asked if there was any prevention, scientists stated you can either spit or get off the pot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WaxEcho
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Lines for urinals have become an increasing problem in containing the coronavirus.

So mind your pees in queues.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KairuSmairukon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Lately, I’ve grown increasingly apathetic towards eating vegetables

Some days, I just don’t carrot all

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?

They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HandCrimped
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
With everyone in lockdown, cases of Stuckhome syndrome are significantly increasing.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KEARNAG3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I was watching a series of increasingly funny cow videos, and even though CowVid#18 was hilarious...

...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know that flight simulator game sales have increased since the outbreak?

A lot of pilots are working from home too!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Breaking News: Cornwall has been placed in Tier 4 lockdown.

Hundreds of pirates returned home to Penzance to celebrate Christmas with their families.

Apparently the Arrrr rate has increased dramatically.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1963Jan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Toilet paper companies have decided against increasing production to meet current demands.

They said it would make business plunge.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOrderOfARA
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Increasing security
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luckiest0522
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Lately my wife has become increasingly frustrated with the amount of geriatric patients she’s been seeing...

It’s getting old

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tico46
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why doesn’t the guy like to wear a mask?

He said it lowers his maskulinity.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BarbecueStu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Once upon a time in numberland, the numbers 3 and 5 were jealous of the number 2.

2 was enjoying a special position in the sequence of numbers. It was the only even prime number. All the other even numbers existed only because 2 existed. Heck, even computers ran on base-2.

As a result, 2 looked down upon all the other numbers, but no one could do anything about it.

3 and 5 conspired against 2 and decided they needed to do something so that it lost its powers. They kidnapped 2, and through magic divided 2’s powers equally among themselves. 2 ceased to exist. 3 and 5 both increased by 1.

Looking at 2’s dead body, they said, β€œNow we are even.”

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
In the future...

In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" πŸ˜‚πŸ€£

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s a recent report that counterfeit $1 bills have increased in circulation.

Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Job Interview for Later

Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ALizardKing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Here is a series of increasingly terrible math puns.

What kind of math do birds use?

Owl-gebra

What kind of math does a farmer use?

Cow-culus

What kind of math should you avoid if you have carpal tunnel?

A-wrist-metic

Which mathematical process would you use to find the total amount of chinaware you have?

Ad-dish-on

Which mathematical process would be most commonly found in a 1950's style diner?

Malt-iplication

If one runner on team injured her leg, how would you find out how many can still run?

Sub-track-tion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkipperXIV
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
I wasn't sure about increasing my bandwidth

But I think it was net gain

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kirillsimin
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you guys hear about Trump wanting to inject disinfectant?

It'll lead to an increase in the Dettol.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thespecialpun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timoteostewart
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do partcles get exited when we heat something up?

Because it's volume increases

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MAX3344
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2020
🚨︎ report
A new study finds fish are increasingly weight conscious.

Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nothingsexy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2016
🚨︎ report
What's more effective than a heat-seeking missile?

A heat-seeking hittle

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaoticFather
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Prime numbers and stoners have a lot in common.

The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
🚨︎ report
What happens when this post gets updooted

There's an increase in enslaved 1's and 0's

thanks to u/Dietcokeisgod for helping

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LolzLolzHey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Bus drivers keep increasing the rate on a local route

I guess they're taking me for a ride

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scott003
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2016
🚨︎ report

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