I'm a bran ambassador.
and calling it Tailor Swift
Look at it through a magnifying glass.
His half-baked scheme didn't work out the way he had planned.
They want to decrease the gender pray gap
I call it:
I was petrified.
We call this high coo.
Parents don't tell their kids to straighten up anymore.
I mean... it's conceivable.
When asked if there was any prevention, scientists stated you can either spit or get off the pot.
So mind your pees in queues.
Some days, I just don’t carrot all
...I just couldn't bring myself to watch the next one. I just had this vague sense that something bad was going to happen.
A lot of pilots are working from home too!
They said it would make business plunge.
It’s getting old
In 1,000 years, snails will evolve into being an advanced civilization. They will develop their own advanced technologies. In an effort to increase their mobility, they will equip their shells to be modular vehicles called Snail Cars, S-Car for short. Since snails do not have upper extremities, controlling the cars will be voice activated. The initiation command would be, "S-Car, GO!" 😂🤣
Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."
It'll lead to an increase in the Dettol.
Be on the lookout for hot singles in your area.
Because it's volume increases
But I think it was net gain
What kind of math do birds use?
What kind of math does a farmer use?
What kind of math should you avoid if you have carpal tunnel?
Which mathematical process would you use to find the total amount of chinaware you have?
Which mathematical process would be most commonly found in a 1950's style diner?
If one runner on team injured her leg, how would you find out how many can still run?
There's an increase in enslaved 1's and 0's
thanks to u/Dietcokeisgod for helping
The mean increases!
A heat-seeking hittle
The higher they are, the more spaced out they become.
Scientists hypothesize this is because they're always surrounded by scales.
I guess they're taking me for a ride
Me: A what?
Him: A repeater.
Me: dramatic eyebrow wiggling with shit eating grin
Him: Oh my god.
On the other hand , they are down to earth.
My sister had a good one today at dinner.
We were all commenting about how my dad seems to be friends with a lot of plane pilots. My sister chimes in with "It's always good having friends in high places".
A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.
At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.
On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets... keep reading on reddit ➡
Me: I've got a fatigue lab tomorrow morning.
Dad: Wow, that sounds tiring.
He laughed so hard he nearly fell off the pavement.
I told my dad we were studying the periodic table in chemistry he sent me this
She's trying to increase her daily water intake. I told her, "If you want to try and keep up, I already finished my first quart for the day." She replied, "No, we don't want to turn this into a pissing contest."
To increase their earodynamics.
My lady and I workout together during the week. Yesterday was chest day and we usually start with incline DB press. She pumps out her second set very well: controlled reps, full range of motion. I was proud to see her progress. She said the weight felt easy, to which I replied, "you could increase the weight... if you were so inclined." She muttered "oh my goodness..." and walked away.
Starting on the 1st of December and running until the 10th, /r/dadjokes will be self-post only. This 10 day trial is being conducted to measure the overall effect on post quality. We hope to see a reduction in posts that exist purely for karma-gaming, and an increase in posts that represent our favourite dad jokes and stories.
This is not a ban on images. You may still link to pictures within your self-post - but you will no longer receive karma for doing so. Also as a suggestion try and be witty about it, don't just post pictures as the only content in the post. If there is a story behind it (involving your dad or anyones dad) then give that more of a preference and use the picture as a supporting arm for the joke, remember to be nice and the punnier the better.
As always, we're open to hearing your thoughts on the matter - and this thread will be stickied for the 10 days so that you can pop in and let us know how you feel the trial is going.
...I'm so excited to be a dad in 9 months!
Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms.
At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. “Surely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two f... keep reading on reddit ➡
I cut my finger open and didn't notice it.
Dad: "Hey, you cut your finger pretty bad there."
Me: "I did? Didn't notice. I lost feeling in that one a few years ago when I cut it open at the base."
Dad: "I lost sensation in my thumb after I did the same thing, so I know the feeling... Or do I?"
Driving to the store.
Me: "The tires feel kind of flat. Should probably stop at a gas station and increase the pressure."
Dad: "We have to be careful, though. Too much pressure and they'll get nervous."
Going to the Cheesecake Factory.
Me: "We have to take the bridge, right?"
Dad: "Yeah, but we're gonna have to give it back afterwards."
There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.
Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.
My dad and I were at a local delicatessen recently and I was lamenting the increase of prices for the meats since the last time we were there. He told me in order to lower costs, maybe they should outsource who they buy their meats from...
Dad: "The meat would come from Coldcutta, India".
I said "no ma'am I'm sorry we're out of stalk on that item."
And I know most of you here can do better than my,
While stiff arming their face, "I don't wanna seeeeee yo food."
Do you get it? Do ya, cause it's about turning the joke back... You get it right?
Anyway, help a guy increase his dadjoke street cred with his kiddo and his lunchroom hecklers.
People are still unsure if strikes have increased or decreased during this period
EDIT: I somehow JUST saw the Mod Sticky post from last week, where a lot of users have expressed similar sentiments to these. I apologize to the mods if this is not appropriate and respect your decision if you want to delete it. I just wanted to see if people were thinking the same kind of thing. Still, read it if ya like.
It used to be that /r/dadjokes was a place to post actual stories of real dad humor. 'My dad pulled out this groaner at dinner.' 'Just became a dad...I think I get it now!' These are the things that warm my heart and tickle my corny bone. And I don't think I'm alone.
Now, we're arrogant enough to think we know the formula for dad humor, so we can post anything reminiscent of it, and it counts as a dad joke. It's as if we think we own dad humor now, and we can bend it and shape it at will.
Let me tell you, folks. WE DO NOT OWN DAD HUMOR.
Even the dads among us don't own it. I think the universe just channels it through them in brilliant, glorious, invo... keep reading on reddit ➡
I've seen a steady increase of non-dadjoke puns in this sub over the last few months. It seems that people equate dadjokes with puns, which is not correct. Go to /r/puns for that. This comment by /u/skeptickal is a great explanation of the origins of dad jokes.
I do realize that it's hard or impossible to create a written rule of what is and what isn't a dadjoke, but whoever's moderating this subreddit should know.
There's a rich man that has an Italian chef named Antonio and a Mexican servant named Terry. The rich man requests a meat dish with an Asian kick, so the chef gets to work, but he soon notices that he has no Asian flavoring. Frantically, he sends the servant to get some sauce.
As the rich man becomes increasingly impatient for his meal, the chef calls the servant and asks, "Terry, where are you, and what sauce did you get?"
The servant, pulling into the driveway, replies simply, "Terry aqui!"
So I'm at a restaurant with my family and my mom jokingly tells the waiter that beceause there's new menus, there must have been a price increase.
Mom: "ah, new menus! Must mean the price has gone up!"
Waiter: "hahaha just a little ma'm, just a little!"
Dad: "well can you bring me the old menu please?"
Him: My test results came in. The tumors in my lungs and back haven't spread and have begun shrinking thanks to the treatment.
Me: That's wonderful!!!
Him: They're still there but at least they haven't increased by one and become tremors.
Me: Hm? I don't ge......oh goddammit.
My dad everyone. Even when battling cancer, there's still time to make a joke.
My wife discovered a tick in our house - likely brought in by the dog after a hike with the family that day. At dinner, it prompted a discussion about the relative risk of Lyme disease and its recent increase in media coverage. My wife made the argument that, while incidents were up, the overall risk is really quite low when you look at actually numbers of incidents. As such, the media coverage is not warranted relative to other safety concerns. My rebuttal:
"Frankly, I think it's about time we had a tick talk"
When I was a kid, any time my dad saw me picking my nose, he would say:
"Hey, is that a diamond in your nose?"
Me: "What? No."
Him: "Oh IT'SNOT?? ***IT'S SNOT???***"
After the first couple times, I stopped responding. The worst part is that he eventually stopped caring whether I humored him or not and would just jump right into the punchline.
"Is that a diamond in your nose? OH, IT'S SNOT??" And then he would just laugh hysterically, and say it again while he was recovering from his laughing fit. "IT'S SNOT?!?!?" He'd probably say it 5 or 6 times while increasingly losing his shit each time until his words were just incoherent. I used to think he was laughing at the joke itself, but now I'm pretty sure that the more straight/annoyed my face was, the funnier the whole bit was for him, which explains why he would laugh harder and harder as he went on with it. Then he'd finish with one of those high pitched 'laugh-ending' sighs and wipe his eyes. God it was obnoxious.
I... keep reading on reddit ➡
The presenter was talking about this trade program, and how if Congress doesn't renew it, we're going to see a huge increase in the price of pants. He said the effect of this is really regressive, since the people it affects the most are the ones who can least afford it.
I decided to chime in, "Yeah, really hits them below the belt."
Actually got a halfway decent laugh.
The mean increases.
The mean increases..