A centipede. I’m a dad, can confirm
Therapist: You are?
Me: [Screams in horror]
Therapist: Oh, I see
Me: [Screams intensify]
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
Who's There?
KNOCK KNOCK
Who's There? Who's Knocking?
KNOCK KNOCK intensifies....
Why can't I see you? Where are you hiding?
"Dies in an Earthquake"
She said I would
I said that’s good I couldn’t play it before.
A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.
As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.
Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.
Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.
We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."
He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.
Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....
Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.
Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"
Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.
He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."
He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"
Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."
Something bad is about to happen I can feel it
So my family and I were at a restaurant and my mom wanted a photo of us. She asked a waiter if we could take a picture, and after the waiter said yes, my dad said "we'll take this one" and pointed at a photo on the wall...
Me: Hey boss how's the morning going?
Boss: Good except I just dropped coffee all over the floor.
Me: You know, that's not why they're called coffee grounds.
Boss: Glaring Intensifies
Me: "So, do you want to go to Blackbear, or the truck stop diner?"
Wife: "Blackbear"
M: "Okay, and afterwards, I want to stop by the Arco (gas station) and use the vacuum to clean the inside of the car"
W:"No, I hate going to that Arco, the vacuum there sucks"
M: "Isn't that what they're supposed to do?"
W: Rage intensifies
Dad: You know which city always shocks me?
Me: I don't know, which?
Dad: ELECTRI-city!
Commence groaning
Dad: Hey, do you know which city is always moving?
Me: Which one?
Dad: VELO-city!
Groaning intensifies
Why is corn the best audience?
They are all ears.
*elevator music intensifies
I was drinking wine with my wife, and she asked me if it was good, to which I responded:
"It's grape!" groans "Why are you wine-ing ?" groans intensify "Want me to put a cork in it?" facepalm desk "Vine, I'll stop."
She then pun-ished me with no more wine.
Driving down the street, see sign that says "Yukon Rd closed, take detour." Mother in law in backseat says "aahh, Yukon't drive there."
Groaning intensifies....
Wife: "Did you see your brother out on the soccer field?!"
Kiddo: "Yeah!"
Wife: "Who was he out there with?"
<giggling intensifies>
Kiddo: "HUMANS!"
Me- I meet an interesting person the other day
Her- Oh, ok?
Me- Turns out he runs a school
Her- Not too interesting so far...
Me- Yeah, but it's a school for protons, neutrons and electrons
Her- umm, sorry, what?
Me- Yeah, but it's the Principal of the matter, you see?
eyeroll intensifies
When my wife and I shop, she tends to go up and down the aisles, and I'll take a few trips to get hamburger, fish, whatever. So we're checking out and she notices I grabbed a pack of sausages.
"Wow that's a lot of sausages."
"Yeah, they were on sale. Super cheap."
"Sweet!"
"...actually, they're hot."
grinning intensifies
"LAME! OH THAT WAS LAME!"
maximum grinning
Me: Dad I to buy some new boat shoes these ones look beaten up
Dad: Aboat time...Sound like they need to go to the doc
Me: Dad why do you this
Dad: What do you mean? I'm keeping it reel here. Facepalm + Groan Intensifies
Kid: "What's that disease called, the one that makes your spine all curved?"
Mom: "That's Scoliosis. It can also mess up your ribcage and shoulders."
Me: "The people who discovered Scoliosis actually had it themselves. It was a husband and wife team. I think their last name was Dover...
Kids: staring intensifies
Me: "... Ben Dover, and his wife Ilene Dover."
My dad keeps some hand sanitizer on-hand next to him in his car. As my dad was driving, I saw that there was a bit of hand sanitizer that had spilled onto his cup holder.
Me: Hey dad, did you spill purell?
Dad: P-U-R-E-L-L.
Me: What?
Dad: You asked me if I spelled purell, but I didn't so now I did!
Me: groans Okay Dad, did you spill purell?? [Emphasized pronunciation of word]
Dad No I didn't spill purell... because that's germ-x.
Me: groaning intensifies
So a couple friends and I are watching a movie in one of my friend's basement (The Master of Disguise - Netflix lol). And his dad comes downstairs and in the most intimidating, serious voice says, "Nick, what do I do when you do something wrong?" The tension in the room skyrockets, and Nick says nonchalantly, "Nothing." His dad then slickly replies, "I scream... there's ice cream on the table if you want any."
Chuckling intensifies.
Being poor, starving, university students, I said "Why would you waste perfectly good toilet paper?" to which she replies "C'mon dude, don't be a party pooper."
groaning intensifies
Cute young female cashier scanning our items, scans the ground beef and says "Wow, that's some nice meat you have there."
Dad: Why thank you. Biggest dumb grin on his face
Cashier: No! picks up the ground beef Your package!
Dad: Why thank you. Grin intensifies
The poor girl was so embarrassed. It was glorious.
me: i'm terrified of random letters
therapist: you are?
me: [screams]
therapist: oh i see
me: [screaming intensifies]
Therapist: are you?
Me : screams
Therapist : oh i see
Me:screaming intensifies
Me: I'm terrified of random letters.
Therapist: Are you?
Me: [screams]
Therapist: Oh I see.
Me: [screaming intensifies]
Me- I meet an interesting person the other day
Her- Oh, ok?
Me- Turns out he runs a school
Her- Not too interesting so far...
Me- But it's a school for protons, neutrons and electrons
Her- umm, sorry, what?
Me- Yeah, but it's the Principal of the matter, you see?
eyeroll intensifies
