What is the difference between a cat and a compound statement?

One has claws at the end of its paws and the other has a pause at the end of its clause!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vanguard_The
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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Archaeologists found traces of Trinitrotoluene in a T-Rex skeleton. Scientists have since determined that T-Rex's muscles used the compound to function.

TNT. It's dino might.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/veive
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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Our local cult just started praying for a reservoir to be created on the river running through their compound

God Damnit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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I am enjoy chemistry, and ethane is my favourite compound of all time.

It’s just too funny, for it is simply Me-Me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EeryEquation
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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What common chemical compound can be represented: H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O

H2O

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ttocs77
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I work at home Depot and a customer asks me if we have any buffing compounds

I tell him no, we do not carry any gyms

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
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See what they did there
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicholasP993
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2020
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In arrow
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πŸ‘€︎ u/versifier03
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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What is it called when you get sent to a prison made of only two elements?

A compound sentence

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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In school I was really bad at math. As a matter of fact,

I failed so many times, I can’t even count.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
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If H2O is water, what is H2O4?

Drinking.

Edit: to the people turning this into an β€œACKSHUALLY it’s hydroxyperoxide/tetraoxidane/non-existent chemical bind!” chemistry moment, just chill, it’s a dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/biorod
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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Archery
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ratzypiet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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The chemistry teacher broke her leg.

Turned out it was a compound fracture.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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Why did the accountant join a cult?

Because he found their compound interesting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dwayne_jetski69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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If you tell people "na" periodically it will just end up making them salty.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arcadesdude
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2018
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What do you call a video game gorilla who shrinks by 50% each day?

Exponential DK

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ii_akinae_ii
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2016
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Solid Argument
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RCoder01
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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Where did the element go after it was arrested?

Into the chemical compound.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dimpledsunflower
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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Do you know what vegetarian means?

It's a compound of vegetable and aryan because it refers to a person that believes vegetables are the most superior food.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lebranflake
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
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Why are chemists so rich?

Because they have compound interest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_love_420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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My sister was in a pretty bad car accident a few years ago

Hit head-on by a drunk driver, she broke her right wrist and forearm (compound fracture), and broke her right femur. The doctor came to talk to us after the surgery and told us she was okay. My dad asked, "will she be able to play the trumpet?" And the doctor assured us that she would make a full recovery and be able to play after the cast came off. To which my dad replies, "Wow, you're one hell of a doctor. All she could play before was the piano!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omaha_shanks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
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I told my wife, "We gotta invest in molecules"

You just can't beat that compound interest!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greatm31
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
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We were looking at drug prices at work.

Coworker: This is a racket. How do they justify charging an extra $3000 for something like sodium bicarbonate?

Me: Right? It's not like it's some fancy, top-secret compound. It's pretty basic.

My other coworker is a chem major about to enter grad school. He made me go work in the corner for a while after that one.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/C21H27Cl3N2O3
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2017
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ATTENTION: DO NOT SWIM IN LAKES, RIVERS, POOLS OR STREAMS

It has been found these locations are contaminated with dihydrogenmonoxide, one of the deadliest compounds in the world.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Calthropstu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2017
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Dad joked by one of my students at an all girls school.

I was teaching about naming ionic compounds and said that "we have one more wrinkle to go through, so take a look at this example with iron" and one girl started cracking up. I didn't understand why so she said we had to iron the wrinkle!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bdiap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Know why cults and groups living off the grid are always being investigated?

That's the power of compound interest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/programminggeek
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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Great to know dad!

So I was riding home in my car and we were somehow talking about condoms and stopped talking about pubic hair. Then he said "I hate it when the hair gets stuck in the condom. Now that's a compound problem" WHAT THE FUCK DAD!?!?!?!?!?!?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dfretyhg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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What's the difference between a cat and a compound sentence?

One has claws at the end of its paws; the other has a pause at the end of its clause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gt0t
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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