A formerly blind man finishes his last round of eye surgery to gain his sight. The doctor asks if he has any last questions.

Patient: no, I think I'll see my self out.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/waldo06
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
🚨︎ report
What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test?

Whizdom

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
A good title for a conservative news article a couple days ago when Trump declared β€œStop the count!” after Biden started making gains but Trump still could’ve shocked the world would’ve been...

β€œTrump’s Not Down For the Count”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shadow_Boxer1987
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Glass coffins - will they gain popularity?

Remains to be seen!

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sierrasport
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
The legalize cannabis party had a fair few stoners voting for it this past election, but not enough to gain power

That’s a lot of wasted votes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lukeurmyson
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you gain the trust of a squirrel?

You gotta act like a nut

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tin12345678
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2020
🚨︎ report
In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.

Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a rugby player who took doping to gain an edge against his opponents?

A drugby player

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NicolasReadsStuff
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
🚨︎ report
In life you gain some, you lose some. Can't have it all.

Like, you gain inheritance, you lose your dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/barujje_moshai
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Gain The Rock Johnson
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DunkieMcBuckets
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I gain too much weight around the holidays

I need to stop eating cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/musingsofmadness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
People who abuse steroids have ill-gotten gains
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Max_Is_Homo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
🚨︎ report
My friend Wat never gains weight on vacation

Wat goes a round, comes a round

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I didn't mean to gain so much weight.

It happened by snaccident.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Been working out for a few months and am finally seeing my gains.
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CAGoldenBear
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a brother and sister who marry eachother for financial gain.

An incestment

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mentalman92
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm told pasta makes you gain weight

But I'm in for a penne so I'm in for a pound

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rhedkiex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the Trump supporter gain weight?

To own the lbs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/1b1d
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I think dads automatically gain access to a dadjoke reservoir the moment they become dads...

My aunt recently had a baby, and she was telling us about the experience the other day at a family get-together. How beautiful her little girl is, how amazing the experience was, yadda yadda. Then she told us about my uncle's reaction, which she was less than thrilled about.

When my uncle saw his daughter for the first time after my aunt had just labored for hours, he said:

"Damn, it's 2013, you'd think they'd have started making these things cordless by now."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CloudyWithRain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2013
🚨︎ report
What’s the best way to gain patience?

By putting on some wait.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lost_ina_fantasy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
How do Aliens gain muscle?

They use Asteroids.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
So the Atlantic and Pacific oceans were arm wrestling. At first the Pacific was winning, but then the Atlantic started to gain the upper hand.

You could say the tides have turned.

Ill be here all night folks.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShedATyr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Some friends of mine were talking about how eating pizza would make them gain weight

I responded by telling them that if I’m really patient, I gain wait

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IHaveTenderLoins
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to gain some weight, so I got a job.
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_thatman
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
How did communist leaders gain power?

In high school they got good Marx.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
🚨︎ report
What insect becomes more accepting as it gains height?

A taller ant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaxGhenis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2015
🚨︎ report
So this European comedy group is working on a movie with a bizarre plot - apparently a famous rock guitarist and drummer gains control of the weather and sends it haywire.

The movie is going to be called, Monty Python and the Grohly Hail.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whosevelt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Because I go to the gym, I've got all sorts of gains imgur.com/xB8n3yz
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WJohan93
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2014
🚨︎ report
What does a labrador go to university to gain?

A dog-ree.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeorgeJAWoods
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2013
🚨︎ report
I told my girlfriend that she couldn't handle the gains I was getting at the gym...

Response: "Gains? Laundry detergent doesn't provide that many benefits, hun."

Fuck.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xXPanduhzXx
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
🚨︎ report

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