Had a Zoom call about whether or not to acquire a new bird of prey

It was an add hawk meeting.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beyond_hate
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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When single women get to the age of 50, they tend to acquire lots of cats and dogs.

This phenomenon is known as many paws.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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If Disney, who own Marvel, also acquire 20th century Fox, they could remake Die Hard

With Avengers

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iplaymeinreallife
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
🚨︎ report
Why do the British like acquiring new land?

Because it is proper-tea

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HentaiForMySenpai
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
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I was visiting my blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.

She responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.Β  I said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'Β  'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' she answered, β€œThey're watch dogs'!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nandos677
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A blonde goes into a church and asks the minister, "How much does it cost to rent a church singing group?"He said,"Do you mean a choir?"

She said "Fine... How much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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News just in: Local police have acquired 1000 bees

They're believed to be used as part of a sting operation

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gizmo734
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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My wife asked me, β€œWhy don’t you treat me like you did when we were first dating!?”

So I took her to dinner and a movie then dropped her off at her parents’ house...

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
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It really is though
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
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Music puns are an acquired taste
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bored_Blod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2018
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryannbajaj
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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My dad is getting too old for a medicine cabinet.

Now he has a drug attic

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RDS327
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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A man goes to his church to ask the priest a question.

"How much does it cost to get a church-singing group?" the man asks.

The priest replies, "you mean, a choir?"

"Uh, okay, I didn't think that mattered. How much does it cost to acquire a church-singing group?"

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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Dad: "Hey, do you know where I can get a vocal ensemble?"

Music Director: "Don't you mean a choir?"

Dad: "Ok, How do I acquire a vocal ensemble?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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My son tried coffee for the first time today and said it tasted like dirt

I told him "It was just ground this morning."

πŸ‘︎ 204
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Im_A_Freakin_Joke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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When a women reaches a certain age she begins acquiring cats.

This is known as manypaws.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chumbawamba56
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
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My wife was describing the pair of Toucans the zoo recently acquired.

I responded "You mean a four-can?" She rolled her eyes.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kflott
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2016
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I'm sure there are plenty of televangelists who aren't just doing it for the money

But I feel like a lot of them are just preaching to acquire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fightswithbears
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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My friend died after using Linux for a long time.

He acquired a terminal illness.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2018
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What do you wear to the secret merging of two churches?

Quiet choir acquire attire.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/68Cadillac
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2018
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A Dungeons & Dragons Related Dad Joke...

I'm currently running my players through a D&D adventure titled "Curse of Strahd".

Last session, my players found a journal revealing details about the main villain, Count Strahd Von Zarovich. When they acquired it, I passed the adventure book over--opened up to an illustration depicting the journal's pages--and one of the players proceeded to read. After struggling for a bit, he said, "I'm having a tough time reading this cause it's so cursive."

Yes," I responded. "It's the cursive Strahd."

I had that one chambered and ready for weeks, just waiting for the right moment.

What my players don't know is that I'm also going to include a few other bits of flavor for my them to find as they progress through the game:

  • A fancy handbag with the initials "SVZ" hammered into the leather... the "purse of Strahd"
  • A grave in which the Von Zarovich family nanny is buried... the "nurse of Strahd"
  • A carriage very obviously built to accommodate Strahd's coffin... the "hearse of Strahd"
  • A book full of poetry written during Strahd's younger days, before he was consumed by darkness... the "verse of Strahd"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/transplantasian
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2016
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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Getting p(irate)

What's a pirates favourite letter? R!!

What's a pirates second favourite letter?? C!!

What's a pirates least favourite letter??

Dear Mr Pirate, we regret to inform you that due to improper acquirement of docking paperwork your ship has been seized....

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/optometris
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
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What would Walmart say if they bought out Target?

Target acquired.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crasken
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2015
🚨︎ report
I went into a church and asked the minister how much it would cost to rent a church singing group.

He asked, "do you mean a choir?"

I said, "OK, fine, then how much does it cost to acquire a church singing group?"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-Suck-At-R6Siege
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 134
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JackTMJones
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
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The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2017
🚨︎ report
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/4rn48
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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The fattest Knight...

at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anon_777
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2020
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tankerman05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
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The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Who was the fattest knight at king Arthur's round table?

Sir cumference. He acquired his taste from eating too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/levithebun16
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.

He acquired his size from too much pi.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepattato
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad jokes

The fattest man at King Arthur’s round table was sir cumferenence. He acquired his size eating pi.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The-real-elliott
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
🚨︎ report
My grandpa sent me this email. King of dad jokes.
  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

  6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

  14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

  15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

  16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

  17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

  19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  21. A backward poet writes inverse.

  22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

  23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

edit: formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattybreit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
🚨︎ report

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