Gross revenue
Pyramid schemes
Butler University
He goes by Pennywise
I did it to make hens meet.
A tractor
Just desserts
I don’t earn much, but I make dew.
Dad: [points at trees] “See those trees? Kid: “yeah?” Dad: “How much will you give me if I take off my shoes and jump over them?” Kid: [looking up at trees] “There’s no way! A billion dollars!!!” Dad: [takes off shoes, puts them on the ground in front of him, jumps over shoes] “Pay up!”
And now my college president is giving me the 3rd degree!
So I just asked if he wanted a log book to keep track.
He said it was interesting.
A golden toe-ken.
Income-plete.
His father was really proud of him. So his father asks what part did you get?
He replies I got the part of a man who has been married for 25 years.
His father congratulated him. And then he said “That’s good son, maybe next time you’ll get a talking role!”
He did a lovely job of the landing.
Don't buy any kind of fungi. They take up too mushroom.
"All of you are doing jobs to earn a living. Well, I beg to differ"
If she won't cut hair to earn a living, she'll certainly dye.
An engineer who was unemployed for a long time decided to open a medical clinic. He puts a sign outside the clinic: "A cure for your ailment guaranteed at $500; we'll pay you $1,000 if we fail."
A Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: "I have lost my sense of taste."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "This is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Engineer: "Nurse, please bring the medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Doctor: "But that is Gasoline!"
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several days, more determined than ever to make his money back.
Doctor: "My eyesight has become weak."
Engineer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000," passing the doctor a $500 note.
Doctor: "But this is $500..."
Engineer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be $500."
He scored a home run every single at bat, and always the exact same way. Way over right field, too high for anyone to reach, and it always landed in exactly the 17th row of the stands, give or take a couple feet.
He earned the nickname “the machine” for how consistently he hit the exact same spot every time. Right field, 17th row, every single time. He did this for 20 years before he retired. Tickets to the 2-3 seats that the ball always landed on sold for over $2k a pop by the time he retired because you were guaranteed at least a couple home run balls.
And the day he retired a reporter asked him “How does it feel to be retiring as the greatest hitter of all time?”
Hugh just looked at the reporter puzzled. “What do you mean?” He said.
The reporter clarified “literally over 5,000 times you went to the plate and hit a home run to right field, 17th row of the stands!”
Hugh looked dejected and disappointed “yeah, my greatest failure...”
“What do you mean?” Said the reporter incredulously.
Hugh let’s out a long sigh, and looked down at the ground quietly for a moment before finally speaking.
“I’ve been aiming left this whole time”
Ehh, I cannot buy that for a second.
It's illegal to DINK and dive.
I’m not buying it.
It earned the nickname Sin City!
Naan naan naan na na na naan
But then I realized I wasn't that hungry, so I boxed it up to take home and eat later.
Because a penné saved is a penné earned.
They were all iCharts
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
There was major plaque buildup.
A penny saved, is actually about 1.25 pennies, once you account for Income Tax.
[my dad works for the Canadian tax department (IRS) and he used to always say that when I was a kid. He thought he was very funny. I'm now starting to see the wisdom in that statement.
"Orange you glad I reminded you?"
Today I held up three colored balls in my hand. One red, one green, and one blue. My 1yr old son (after much debate) chose the red one. I’ve never been so proud. He has earned the right to play with my old game boy now.
"What's with the third degree?"
In their 401-Kave!
^______^
I was doing a maternity shoot for a nice family expecting their second. The dad is a pharmacist. I told him that I was never very good at chemistry, but one time I read a book about helium and I could NOT put it down.
I am building a small app that does analyses stock market trends and stuff especially around stock earnings. Could someone help me name my app?
(I see that image posts aren't allowed in this sub but gosh darn it, I earned this one. I throw myself on your mercy, mods.)
(Edit: Amazing, thank you for the silver, gold, and the platinum reward of Reddit: long self referential chains of bad jokes.)
Job Interviewer: "At the start you'll be earning $17,000; later that will increase to $21,000"
Me: "Ok, I'll come back later."
She whispered, "They're right behind you..."
He made a lovely job of the landing.
