Turned on the US News and didn't realize...
That there was a new Gerard Butler movie: "Capitol Hill has Fallen"
You do realize that it's biblically correct for a man to make the coffee. Haven't you ever read the book,
Has anyone realize “The IRS”
It kinda spoils the ending of Revenge of the Sith once you realize...
they're not called the Order of the Jelive
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...
I work with beet boxes and I wrap!
I didn't realize my phone came with noface detection
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
I didn't realize the reopening of the Lego store was going to be so popular...
People are lining up for blocks!
If my bookcase realizes it wants to store dishes instead of books, it has reached shelf actualization.
My cat scratches me to get my attention, I like to think he doesn't realize he's hurting me,
he just has issues with claws and effects.
This son of a bitch got me. Can't be mad though; I set him up and did even realize it.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
After a few recent posts, I now realize just how dangerous math really is.
I mean, just look at all those explosions after math!
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didn’t realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
I made a cabbage, carrot and corn stir-fry tonight! The recipe called for tilipia, but I put in pork. I realize now that I should have put in chicken, though...
...it's supposed to be a C-food stir-fry.
At what point did the tomato realize he was about to get lucky?
When the garlic started taking off her cloves.
I tried to cheat during my jog by taking a shortcut through some bushes, but I didn’t realize it was poison ivy...
That was a rash decision.
What do you tell yourself when you wake up with fever and realize you are late for work?
Here’s an original one I just came up with just now while watching the Behind the Curve flat earth conspiracy documentary on Netflix. It made me realize that I am a flat eyeball conspiracist.
They’re just optical illusions.
I didn’t realize ants stole so many handbags
If they didn’t, why do we need anti-purse-per-ant
It’s my first time, be gentle.
So I was driving uber tonight and I picked up a girl from the dorms at UNCW. She sat in the front and we were chatting when suddenly she sneezed.... Now. I didn't realize it while talking, but she had a glass eye, and when she sneezed her glass eye came flying out at me.
I caught it, handed it back to her and she popped it in and said thank you. I didn't know what else to say...
So, we rode in silence for the rest of the trip until we got to the bar. When we arrived at the bar, she turned and asked if she could have my number. I was flattered because she was so pretty, but I told her I was happily engaged.
She smiled at me and said, "That's a shame, you really caught my eye."
What do you get when you wake up on a workday and realize you ran out of coffee?
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants. The bartender asks “Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?”
The pirate replies, “ Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!”
When you realize that water is hipster.
That ice was water before it was cool.
I didn’t realize my dad used to steal board-games from the toy store.
But when I look back now, all the Clues added up.
I didn't realize that Santander repossessed my house...
No one expected the Spanish requisition
Yoga bends. Yoga stretches. Yoga realizes he’s completely out of shape.
When you realize it... it’s genius.
By the time you realize you're not in shape
it's too far to walk back.
To make everyone realize they're human beings
I didn’t realize she was hitched...
I didn’t realize I was gullible...
... until someone told me I was.
That sad moment when I realize
First time I plowed my garden, I noticed something shiny in one of the hunks of dirt. Upon rubbing it, I found the whole hunk of dirt was shiny on the inside! I repeated this on other hunks of dirt and each one was shiny on the inside! That made me realize...
Every clod has a silver lining.
After years of using dial up, I finally upgraded to high speed internet. I didn't realize the internet traffic!
But I was able to e-merge.
I still don't know why no one realizes that Information circulars ....
Saw this at the store today. I didn’t realize they were literal when they called it invisible...
No one seems to realize that I'm a horrifying mutant.
I hope the inventor of the whiteboard realizes how truly remarkable his creation is.
People don’t realize the benefits of sun-dried grapes..
My 3 yr old son didn't realize it but he told me a good dadjoke
As I'm holding my son, he begins to pretend his hands are spiders and starts wiggling the tips of his fingers on my arm and then says
"These spiders are crawling on you because they're Daddy Long Legs"
At first I didn’t realize why the door was getting bigger.
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...
I work with beet boxes and I wrap!
I took a shortcut through some bushes, but didn’t realize I was walking into poison ivy...
That was a rash decision.
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