Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
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︎ Nov 09 2020
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
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︎ Sep 30 2020
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
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︎ Nov 28 2020
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
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︎ Nov 11 2020
Just found out lesbians actually cook.
I thought they just ate out..
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︎ Dec 04 2020
Itβs actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.
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︎ Nov 25 2020
My ex actually has 3 spirit animals:
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︎ Oct 11 2020
Did you know that the Type O was actually meant to be Type Zero but....
It was misread to be Type O blood. I guess you could call it a typo.
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︎ Nov 24 2020
Quick Update: The dime actually won the presidency!
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︎ Nov 04 2020
I actually failed pirate school
I only learned my letters up to quueeuuee
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︎ Oct 23 2020
Karen did that actually happen
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︎ May 02 2020
My mom actually made this up not my dad
Person 1: knock knock
Person 2: whoβs there
Person 1: cash
Person 2: cash who
Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds
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︎ Sep 30 2020
I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I donβt know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, βHey, donβt try to start anything in hereβ
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︎ Jul 17 2020
I actually donβt understand why Donald Trump wants to ban TikTok
Whatβs Kesha done to deserve this?
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︎ Oct 23 2020
Learnt an interesting fact today..... If you spell "Absolutely Nothing" backwards, you get "Gnihton Yletulosba" which actually means.....
......Absolutely Nothing!!
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︎ Oct 11 2020
This is Not Actually a Dad Joke
But there is nothing more gratifying than when I tell a great Dad joke and my wife goes βDamnit, I fell for it. I thought you were being serious.β
And for those of you disappointed in the lack of a joke, two guys walk into a bar and it hurt.
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︎ Oct 15 2020
Did you guys know Yoda actually has a last name?
Yeah, it's actually Yoda Layheeho.
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︎ Aug 15 2020
Most of my friends don't know that I'm actually a shape-shifting Norse god of mayhem and mischief.
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︎ Oct 08 2020
My wife says Iβm addicted to auctions but sheβs wrong. I actually stopped after going onceβ¦
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︎ Jul 26 2020
I own a fake town which is actually a horror theme park and I only let a few people in at a time to keep demand and prices high.
It's called artificial scare-city
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︎ Oct 01 2020
I own a steakhouse pub in which the counter can actually pop in and out of the floor
Let's say I raised the bar and set the steaks.
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︎ Oct 02 2020
I thought I saw a German sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird.
I think Iβve taken a tern for the wurst.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
Did you guys know that, in Germany, the Tom Cruise 'The Firm' is actually just the Die Hard sequel?
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︎ Oct 01 2020
If the God of Thunder was actually the God of Melting Ice...
... Would he be called Thaw?
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︎ Sep 12 2020
I thought I just saw a flying sausage outside my window, but it was actually a migratory bird.
Looks like Iβve taken a tern for the wurst.
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︎ Sep 11 2020
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries werenβt actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
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︎ Aug 20 2020
It's actually really bad for wasps D;
π︎ 76
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︎ Jul 10 2020
Son: By law, you are actually required to turn on your headlights if if is raining in Sweden
Dad: Okay, but how the hell do I know if itβs raining in Sweden?
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︎ Jul 02 2020
I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: βsir, would you like to go out with the cart?β. To which I replied βoh, no thanks Iβm actually marriedβ. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
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︎ Nov 30 2019
I sometimes think about stuffing figs with Tic-tacs for dessert, but never actually tried it
It's just a fig mint of my imagination
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︎ Jul 10 2020
When Adobe decides to finally end Flash Player, theyβll actually be building something new!
Theyβll be breaking newgrounds!
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︎ Aug 15 2020
What if after sun is actually suncream for your butt?
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︎ Jul 27 2020
I met a pilot once who said he actually wanted to be a sailor.
He was in the wrong craft.
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︎ Apr 21 2020
isn't it weird that we actually pay money just to see other human beings?
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︎ Jul 11 2020
Some think dad jokes make just roll your eyes. But they are actually awesome. And here is why.
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︎ Aug 02 2020
what kind of moron is actually really clever?
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︎ Jun 22 2020
It has actually been confirmed in a recent Batman comic that Robin's dick has no color at all.
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︎ Aug 07 2020
21st June 2020 lies on Sunday, which is also Father's Day, but since we have Solar Eclipse on that day, it's actually Sun-day.
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︎ Jun 17 2020
Eye of Newt, of witch potion lore, is actually...
nothing more than good, old-fashioned ground mustard seed emulsified in oil. This means mustard could actually be called newt butter. Or, for those who have their doubts... I canβt believe itβs newt butter.
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I actually struggled at first
π︎ 4k
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︎ May 17 2019
I once had the king of the jungle tell me he was actually a tiger.
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︎ Jul 03 2020
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
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︎ Nov 10 2020
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
:)
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 22 2020
The first French Fries weren't actually cooked in France
They were cooked in Greece
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︎ May 26 2020
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece
π︎ 12
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︎ Jun 17 2020
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