An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?
They make up everything.
I was proud.
Ah yes medical pun (putting the actual joke in the title would kinda ruin it all ngl)
Today I found out that you can actually hear the blood flowing through your veins.
You just have to listen varicosely.
Can you believe people actually eat mountain oysters?
Everyone keeps telling me there's 26 letters in the alphabet, not 25
Did you hear about the stag who found out she was actually a doe?
Did you know that two times ten and two times eleven are actually the same?
two times ten is twenty and two times eleven is twenty too
How do people actually make new mates as an adult?
I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn't actually mine.
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Did you know that Lassie was actually a boy?
••••then why did they dress him up like a dog?!
An actual headline in Bloomberg news this morning:
"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."
I love it when these things occur in nature!
All this stress lately has me trying new things. For example, I've discovered that brake fluid is actually delicious. I'm up to a case a day, but there's no need to worry about me.
What would Hitler´s book have been called if he had actually become a painter?
The first French fries weren't actually made in France.
They were made in grease.
A lot of people think of Batman as really serious, but he’s actually a funny guy.
He even used to be a comic
I have never actually used a professional telescope in my life.
It’s something I’m thinking of looking into.
If the old adage "You are what you eat." was actually true, what food would rappers never eat?
An orange, because they don't rhyme.
[an actual conversation I had with my beer loving father]
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
Actual joke my Dad just said to me:
Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.
Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
My very first dad joke as an actual dad.
On the day my daughter was born
Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel.
Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
I tried to figure out how far 20,000 leagues under the sea actually is.
Beauty School would actually be very easy to procrastinate in
Because it has make up exams.
eBay is so useless
I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 18,346 matches.
Did you know Father Time is actually really good at boxing?
Yeah, he can clock you a good one.
A wet dream is actually a dream cum true
Actual dad joke I heard in the supermarket
A dad was with his daughter and she was looking for hair dye and he said... "Don't get that red colour you got last time, it made you a transginger"
Why do fairies burn when in contact with metal?
Hypnosis doesn't actually work...
They actually made a KFC movie on the Hallmark channel
It’s suppose to be a romance but don’t be surprised if there’s some Fowl play.
Just found out lesbians actually cook.
I thought they just ate out..
Karen did that actually happen
What’s the name of the Arab that derived the quadratic equation?
Actually made my wife laugh today
My daughter and I were playing with the toy story toys. Bopeep had to see the doctor and I said I don't trust ducky as the doctor. I think he's a quack.
Not many know this, but Chewbacca actually led a double life as a boxing champion.
He was as famous for his barrage of punches as he was for his rhyming taunts before a big match.
The called him the Jabberwookie.
My ex actually has 3 spirit animals:
I rely on hotels so much,
I've actually become quite inn-dependent.
It’s actually a crime to throw sodium chloride at someone.
I actually lived a dad joke. (Details below)
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, “Hey, don’t try to start anything in here”
An actual dad joke, from my dad
Clark Kent’s lucky he gets his powers from the sun, we just get cancer
Did you know that the Type O was actually meant to be Type Zero but....
It was misread to be Type O blood. I guess you could call it a typo.
Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins?
You just have to listen varicosely
I actually know a lot of jokes in sign language
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
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