Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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I think joule really likes this joke
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HenkBlok
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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Nearly Headless Nick had such potential to be a great character

But he was so badly executed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
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With great potential come great opportunities
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kanamuna24
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
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Potential storage loft for salaried athletes’ prosthetics is in question:

...could be pro-limb-attic!

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
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Saviour.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thot0fTheDay
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Potential EU Leaving Names
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nxnjitsu
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2019
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Potential tenent: What is upstairs?

Landlord: Unfortunately, stairs don’t talk.

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πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Why was the cow award a blue ribbon?

The cow was out standing in his field.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kryptinizer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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What do you call Spider-Man at his full potential

Petest Parkest

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goosifer999
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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I guess spring is one the way... birds singing, animals emerging from winter dens, trees budding with potential...

What a re-leaf!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.

They gave me another one, free of charge.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dirtybirdal
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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Potential nickname for Ellen
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sheepherder226
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
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Why’s β€œU” used as the symbol for Potential Energy?

Because β€œU” have a lot of potential!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DenverCav0
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Men, Science has developed a morning after pill for us, for any potential unplanned babies.

It instantly changes your blood type ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tr8orst8x3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Have you heard about piezoelectric crystals?

They have a lot of untapped potential.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blckpythn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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A physicist sees a guy standing on the edge of a rooftop

He immediately shouts: Don't do it! You have so much potential!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/viky_boy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
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Bit of a stretch, but has potential if said differently...

"Do you know the alphabet?"

"No, I'm a beta."

"OMeGa"

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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Realistically and Potentially . . .

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, 'Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?' The father thought for a moment, then answered, 'Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a Million dollars, and then ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that.' So the boy went to his mother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The mother replied, 'Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!' The boy then went to his sister and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' The girl replied, 'Oh my Gawd! I LOVE Brad Pitt - I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?' The boy then went to his brother and asked, 'Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?' 'Of course,' the brother replied. 'Do you know what a million Bucks would buy?' The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, 'Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically'?' The boy replied, 'Yes, 'Potentially', you and I are sitting on Three million dollars . But 'realistically', we're just living with two hookers and a queer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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sex tape
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrissiKross
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Dad Jokes

It was a brisk Saturday morning when Gerald arrived at β€œThe CafΓ©,” a hip coffee shop right down the street. Wearing his large, burly black coat, he stared hesitantly at his watch. Thick glasses adorned his bright blue eyes, his gaze like starlight in a clear night sky. He was waiting, intently twiddling his thumbs. After a buzz of his phone, the message from Dad popped up: β€œParking now, be there in 5.”

β€œDad,” he whispered under his breath, swiping the message away to once again reveal the image on his lock-screen: a hazy picture of an ultrasound.

Gerald had not spoken to his father for three years. They had had a falling out, over which he did not remember. To him it was a competition of who could wait the longest without calling or sending a text. Who could wait the longest: him without a father, or his father without a son? The idea of friction in the relationship hurt like a thorn; piercing his soul more and more everyday. Until recently, out of the blue, β€œDad” popped up on his phone. The rest is history. The rest leads to that Saturday morning, at The CafΓ©.

Bang! A car door rang out not too far from where Gerald stood. Gerald saw him. His father wore his tweed jacket like a coat of armor. His strut was now weaker than before they stopped talking; a weakness evident in his cane which supported every right step. His shortly trimmed white beard juxtaposed against his uncut, curly grey hair gave him the image of a wise wizard from a fairytale. He used to be that figure to Gerald, yet instead of a nice ancient being acting like a stone to keep him grounded, Gerald had felt as though his father was a rock pulling him deeper and deeper into a sea of monotony. Holding him back from his true potential. Maybe that was why he left? He still did not know.

β€œHello, son,” came the withered voice Gerald had sook for so long, yet now that it had arrived wanted to avoid. β€œI can’t believe it’s been so long!”

β€œYeah,” said Gerald, allowing a smile to grace his face. β€œToo long!”

Then they hugged, signifying a change in their relationship. Gerald had hoped something could happen to bring them closer together. He did not want to go on wondering what could have been. The regret and sadness weighed him down. Before starting a new family, Gerald wanted to be reacquainted with his own.

After finding their table and sitting down, the two began to discuss life. It was like old friends catching up after a long break. Although it took some time, Gerald began to warm u

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sullyrr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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My son just told me he failed the potential energy unit test in Physics.

I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catapult_Power
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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What do you call 100 penguins in Trafalgar Square?

Lost, they’re lost.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CallMeMrWhite
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip. ..

After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes," replies Watson.

"And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson ponders for a minute.

"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?"

Holmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
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You can’t stay down to earth your whole life

You just wouldn’t have any potential

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grosstraktor
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Once considered to be holding funerals near a dead crow, now evidence indicates that crows may be examining the body and surrounding area for potential threats to the flock.

It's a murder investigation.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2018
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When I was young, I was extremely bright.

Because of this, my dad called me "sun."

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilentTempestLord
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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A physicist sees a man about to jump off of the Empire State Building...

He yells,” Don’t do it, you have too much potential”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MCVeteran69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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I feel that there is pun potential in a "sommelier pirate" but I'm too lazy to finish my train of thought. Any ideas?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/symmetrygear
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2017
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my brother showing potential dadness

Bro: I know the best knock knock joke! you start it!

me: ...knock knock?

bro: who's there?

me: ......

he just kept staring at me with an excited look, then we both burst out laughing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SquidManHero
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2013
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What do you have if you 4 apples and 2 oranges in one hand and 3 lemons and a grapefruit in the other hand?

Large hands

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrooksWasHere1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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What do you call a green onion that makes it big as a hip hop star?

A rapscallion

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/t1m_b3nz3dr1n3-0
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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Don’t get mad at the hallway light switch that keeps shocking you

It’s just reminding you of your potential.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kpidhayny
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
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A farmer decides to sell his home and shows a potential buyer around- "there's only 1 downside it's an old farm and all we have is an outhouse" the buyer says "oh, well thats fine- is there a lock?"

The farmer says "Sir, I've lived hear near on 60 years and all that time no one has ever tried to steal a bucket of shit"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/roadtrip-ne
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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I'm not a Dad, but I have potential, just give me time.

Went out grocery shopping and grabbed some thyme as I was planning to cook this soup I make that uses quite a bit of it. My girlfriend is helping me unload the groceries and notices the thyme, saying, "You know we still have a shaker of thyme right?"

I respond with a forlorn sigh and a wistful look into the distance, "Thyme sure flashes by..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bthoman2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Didn't immediately realize the potential
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nicky416dos
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2014
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I'm talking to a potential romantic partner, when she pulls out these doozies...

What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the Fresh Prince.

I'm not sure, but something tells me she's a keeper, guys.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gotdamngotaboldck
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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An Orca was questioned by the cods about a potential murder.

But he didn't admit to anything. His lips were sealed. https://imgur.com/ogcyNTN

(My dad came up with this one on the fly when we visited Monterey when I was a kid).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robinson217
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2016
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Daughter retaliated against a potential dad joke.

She finished with some task and told me "I'm all done" and quickly added "but that's not my name"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/librarianC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
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As the wife and I are talking about potential homes we are looking at...

She mentions she likes the idea of more acreage, but doesn't want a big yard we would have to maintain.

I mention that a big yard will mean more sun in an area, which opens the possibilities of building a bigger garden & greenhouse.

Then add: "it's food for thought."

I think I heard her eyes roll, yet she admitted it was a logical point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarbogman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2016
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My Dad and I were out looking at potential Father's Day gifts..

We're at our local Macy's near where they display their watches, and my Dad always loves new ones every year.

One of the employees came up and asked my dad if he needed any help..

My dad replies: "No thank you, we're just watching."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NvaderGir
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2014
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What did the father say to his falling son?

Son, you've got potential

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/neitral-fella
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
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Physicist

A physicist sees a man about to jump off a building. He says, "Stop, you have so much potential!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrewciferCDXX
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report

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