I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
But he was so badly executed.
...could be pro-limb-attic!
Landlord: Unfortunately, stairs don’t talk.
What a re-leaf!
Because “U” have a lot of potential!
It instantly changes your blood type ...
"Do you know the alphabet?"
"No, I'm a beta."
I don't think he understands the gravity of the situation.
It's a murder investigation.
Bro: I know the best knock knock joke! you start it!
me: ...knock knock?
bro: who's there?
he just kept staring at me with an excited look, then we both burst out laughing.
The farmer says "Sir, I've lived hear near on 60 years and all that time no one has ever tried to steal a bucket of shit"
Went out grocery shopping and grabbed some thyme as I was planning to cook this soup I make that uses quite a bit of it. My girlfriend is helping me unload the groceries and notices the thyme, saying, "You know we still have a shaker of thyme right?"
I respond with a forlorn sigh and a wistful look into the distance, "Thyme sure flashes by..."
What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.
Why did the stadium get hot after the game? All the fans left.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Follow the Fresh Prince.
I'm not sure, but something tells me she's a keeper, guys.
But he didn't admit to anything. His lips were sealed. https://imgur.com/ogcyNTN
(My dad came up with this one on the fly when we visited Monterey when I was a kid).
She mentions she likes the idea of more acreage, but doesn't want a big yard we would have to maintain.
I mention that a big yard will mean more sun in an area, which opens the possibilities of building a bigger garden & greenhouse.
Then add: "it's food for thought."
I think I heard her eyes roll, yet she admitted it was a logical point.
She finished with some task and told me "I'm all done" and quickly added "but that's not my name"
We're at our local Macy's near where they display their watches, and my Dad always loves new ones every year.
One of the employees came up and asked my dad if he needed any help..
My dad replies: "No thank you, we're just watching."
Interviewee: "I have a an obtuse persona,"
Boss: "Oh, how so?"
Interviewee: "My back hunches forward, so I can't stand up straight"
I instantly "unprofessionally"chuckle
I said "Yeah, at the end his sidekick appears...Uncle Man!"
Both of my sisters have runny noses.
Eldest sister: My runny nose is so gross.
Youngest sister: Mine is snot.
...I keep hearing him scream...Oberyn Oberyn over again...
When I was a baby, my Mom gave me some cider to drink during the holiday season. After doing this she was told that giving a baby cider that wasn't pasteurized could be dangerous. Panicking she called my Grandfather:
Mom: Dad how do I know if the cider is pasteurized?
Grandfather: Ok hold up the bottle of cider.
Mom: Holds up bottle of cider in front of face
Grandfather: Well it's "past your eyes" now!