A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"

"Yes, my master, I have."

"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"

"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."

"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"

"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."

"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of cheese never does a job to the best of their ability?

Half-hearty cheese

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snipesma
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
🚨︎ report
It seems my ability to make puns…

…has just groan over time.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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Spider-Man has many incredible powers, including the ability to know how many spiders there are around the world.

He uses his Spider Census.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MotherJoanFoggy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
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If I have the ability to count

Does that mean I have accountability?

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Doctor I think I’ve gained the ability to see into the future

It all started next Tuesday

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucarboi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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Whats the name of the superhero with the ability to create dots?

Power-Point. . . . . πŸ™‚

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nerdguy65
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I remember when the kids used to tease me for my abilities as a tailor. I also had the same retort:

"Can sew! Can sew!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know what they call the ability to predict sports scores?

ESPN.

(Credit to my husband who just laid this one on our kids and I)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theclashwasright
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Vile1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Not to brag, but I have this uncanny ability of guessing what’s inside a wrapped present.

You can say.....it’s a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
My father had the uncanny ability to know which way the wind blew by feeling his jugular...

`It was his weather vein.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
I occasionally read tarot cards, with decent accuracy. Because of my weight and ability many call me a fat psychic.

I prefer the term β€œfour-chin tellerβ€œ.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
When the US first conceptualized the $100 bill they were thinking of putting the face of Jesus, as his ability to come back to life was greater than any wealth.

It would've been the 1 undead dollar bill

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who has the ability to pull off a lie in every situation?

A Liability

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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My superpower, _________, far exceeds your abilities /r/AskOuija/comments/fylm…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2020
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Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
🚨︎ report
With daily practice, the lumberjack’s musical ability improved

logarithmically

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2020
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πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IcerKaker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife left me and said I lack the creative ability

I dont know what tomake of it

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I have an ability to see into wrapped presents

It's a gift.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Degtyrev
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2019
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine once told me that the best superpower would be the ability to detect the presence of Indian bread.

I said β€œThat’s naan-sense!”

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToroZuzuX
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2019
🚨︎ report
If I had to rank you from 1 to 10 on your ability to pee...

I would say urinate.

πŸ‘︎ 46
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kidflash808
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve heard from many of my friends that my abilities in astronomy are really looking up!
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/roguespectre67
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a recurring dream that I lose the ability to taste, see, smell, hear and feel.

My wife says it's nonsense.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thepixelcat2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A midget with the ability to talk to ghosts committed a crime but was not caught yet.

We are looking for a small medium at large.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JazzPhobic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
So I was given the ability to fly the other day, decided to give it a whirl over the pacific. Little did I know how tired I was getting but just in the knick of time I saw a remote location that looked deserted off the coast, so what do I do?

Island.

πŸ‘︎ 154
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snaaaaaaaaaake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
🚨︎ report
When we die we lose both our responsibilities and our response abilities reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phike_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
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My wife has an extraordinary ability to cook persevered food from a jar.

Her cooking is uncanny.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Saffmj23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My son told me he had the ability to transform into pie

I replied, "You're irrational."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosmic_cant
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
🚨︎ report
A disease has been discovered where musicians temporarily lost their ability to tell which notes are which when sharing an automobile with a stranger.

Medical experts have named it "carpool tonal syndrome".

πŸ‘︎ 137
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thefizzynator
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2016
🚨︎ report
A friend of mine had the ability to transform into a donkey

Everytime we went out somewhere he'd make an ass of himself

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gregoirebickers
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
This foggy weather has had an effect on my ability to remember the alphabet

I remember A,B,C,D, and F but I misty

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Phoenix1270
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Concerned about boyfriend's dad-joke abilities. Is he a secret dad?

Boyfriend and I went to Portillo's (Italian Beef sandwich place in Chicago) and ordered sammies.

While we were eating, I started a story with the phrase, "so, I kind of have a beef with..."

He pauses, looks down at my now-empty sandwich wrapper and responds with,

"well, you had a beef..."

Also, I've stopped asking him to call my phone when I misplace it because I'm tired of the "what do you want me to call it?" response.

Boy and I have been together for...8 months or so, dad-jokes only got super frequent recently - men of /r/dadjokes - is this a condition that occurs after several months of dating? Please help.

:)

πŸ‘︎ 235
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πŸ‘€︎ u/push_harder
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
🚨︎ report
If you had precognitive abilities

You would know already

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheOtherHoboBeard
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
🚨︎ report
i have and incredible ability to know whats iinside a wrapped present

its a gift

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fmlolika
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 100
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2019
🚨︎ report
With great reflexes comes great response ability
πŸ‘︎ 216
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
🚨︎ report
With great reflexes, comes great response ability.
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/webguy1975
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?

Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are.

Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
🚨︎ report
With great reflexes comes great response ability.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leemuel01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
I have an ability where I can see inside presents

It’s a gift

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/somebadmeme
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report

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