I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16
🚨︎ report
A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."

The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.

"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.

"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"

"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12
🚨︎ report
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.

I call him Dr. Awkward.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Before hiring a new stylist, my salon requires a demonstration of the potential hire's skills...

Most don't even make the cut.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ May 03
🚨︎ report
His skills were admirable.
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Chosen_Pun_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
There was a alligator back home known for his crime-solving skills

He was an investi-gator.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
How could you describe a group of chess grandmasters bragging about their skills in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/atltop5150
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a handyman's skill set?

His repair-toire

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BedHeadBread
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been told my baking skills are horrible.

I try not to cake it personally.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DoomRulz
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Vincent Van Gogh’s son was a LEGO master. As a test of his skill he was asked...

Can you LEGO an egg Gogh?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Those brother in law pun skills
πŸ‘︎ 21k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Domestic Skills

When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.

She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"

"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."

πŸ‘︎ 333
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do birds go to show off their skills?

Talon shows

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Cornelius_M
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My 7-year old son constantly insists that I use my ballet skills around the house...

He really keeps me on my toes.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I remarried, and my new wife is pissed because of my poor navigation skills

She said our relationship wasn't going anywhere

Edit : She just packed her bag and right

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chennai_buzzer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
During lockdown my origami skills have improved...

Tenfold

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2020
🚨︎ report
The knights of the round table all had a unique set of skills

Do you think Sir Lancelot was good at jousting? Or just really liked it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itwasme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Not my first pun but second pun here. Don't WINE about my Photoshop skills.
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/c_lassi_k
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have ?

I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Three fruits decided to have a dragrace match. The Lemon prepared by practcing driving skills, the orange by studying the appropriate tecniques, the grape by relaxing in the sun. Who won?

The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/midy-dk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Just watched a great documentary on Netflix regarding Chewbacca's porcelain skills...

It's called - Hairy Potter.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss said my math skills are average.

That's just mean.

πŸ‘︎ 963
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a member of law enforcement who likes to show people his skills on the Guitar?

A share riff.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My English skills and mental health need improvement, but my math skills are fine.

Me grammar sucks and i is imaginary.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bdiscer
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Those brother in law pun skills
πŸ‘︎ 36
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Just saw the new Netflix documentary about Chewbacca's porcelain skills...

It's called "Hairy Potter".

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Advanced reading skills
πŸ‘︎ 288
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2018
🚨︎ report
My magnum opus. Even though the Photoshop skills are something quite atrocious. (Pic)

http://imgur.com/p8zGyin

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joeywithanr
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Have you heard about the disease named after a baseball skill?

It's catching.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife what she thought of my peeing skills, on a scale of 1-10...

She said β€œurinate”

πŸ‘︎ 37
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hoosierdaddiesx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I asked my friend to rate my listening skills and he said, "You're an 8 on a scale of 10"

Really don't understand why he told me to urinate on a skeleton.

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JDPhoenix-8632
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My door to door fruit delivery business failed terribly because of my horrible interpersonal skills.

I was driving people bananas.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What skill does a herb farmer need to perfect?

Thyme management

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lepantswizzard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2016
🚨︎ report
I told my mom to teach my kids her skills in making bread and pasta from scratch

They knead it

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puggernault
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2019
🚨︎ report
What do I call it when you're working on honing your sexual skills?

Horning

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThunderAlex2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I used my carpentry skills to fix a creaky stair.

I mean, screw that noise.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report
You're no match for my smash skills
πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sreksworb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad teaching me culinary skills.

"Let me show you how to make an egg roll, son."

Picks an egg

"Take an egg, put it on the table, and just push it!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/steelpan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2016
🚨︎ report
I brought my skills learned in the army to my new job, working to fix animals...

I'm a military vet!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
🚨︎ report
My skills at sharpening my knives are atrophying...

I really need to hone them.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I wanted to impress my friends, so I learned how to improve my guitar skills.

It was A Major task but I can only C Minor improvement.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealJeemboo
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm quite insecure about my home baking skills, though people kept complimenting me on my home made bread.

"Thanks" I said "I kneaded that"

πŸ‘︎ 110
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
🚨︎ report
His pun skills are top notch
πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yashT19
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
🚨︎ report
Chalk it up to my artistic skill
πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CCplusplus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Today at work I was practicing my forklift skills v.redd.it/qxa702uc5ju11
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dyeoncanvas
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10." But what I still don’t get is why...

She wanted me to urinate on a skeleton.

πŸ‘︎ 192
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to rate my listening skills and she said, β€œYou’re an 8 on a scale of 10.”

I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...

πŸ‘︎ 264
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.