When my wife came home yesterday afternoon to find the kitchen and living room a mess, the laundry still in a pile by the washer and me on the couch having done nothing but eat chips and watch TV all afternoon.
She shook her finger at me, "You better watch this lazy attitude you've had lately, mister, or you're gonna to make me do something I'll regret!"
"Wow," I thought, "I can't believe I'm going to get a bj out of this."
Making instant coffee in a slow cooker
I planted myself on the sofa at the beginning of April and I've grown bigger ever since
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
It's called - Hairy Potter.
Me grammar sucks and i is imaginary.
A share riff.
It's called "Hairy Potter".
I still don’t get why she wanted me to urinate on a skeleton...
They knead it
Its tests the ears of its corn-testants
I mean, screw that noise.
She said “urinate”
I'm a military vet!
Really don't understand why he told me to urinate on a skeleton.
I really need to hone them.
That's just mean.
I was driving people bananas.
It was A Major task but I can only C Minor improvement.
You can make a car ear doing it
She was have trouble with the question so she just googled the answer and wrote it down. I told her that I was leaving her. Why she asked me. I told you I would leave you if you ever cheated on me.
"Thanks" I said "I kneaded that"
"Let me show you how to make an egg roll, son."
Picks an egg
"Take an egg, put it on the table, and just push it!"
They call him Darth Vedder.
But when I was about to show them, the software crashed midway and I could do nothing about it.
It destroyed my image.
One's a home owner and the other's an ohm honer.
They were chess nuts boasting in a open foyer.
so every night he could go brush up his skills
She replied "Literally who?"
It was a stunning performance.
[Mom, dad, SO, I eating Chinese food before Billy Joel concert]
[Finishing up, dad notices bunch of fortune cookies left in the box to be thrown out]
Dad: "You gonna throw all these away?"
Mom: "...are you gonna eat all of them?"
Me: "No reason to throw them out, they're worth a fortune.........."
.......It sounded much better before I typed it all out, I hope it comes across as good as it did that night.
In no time, I was HI-YA'd!
Brother: Hey, can I take a shower?
Dad: As long as you put it back when you're done with it.
On the weekends, my roomie and I head to the cleaners to do our laundry. We were folding our clothes and towels away when he commented on how fancy I fold my towels, similar to how some hotels chains have theirs folded. He asked where I learned to fold towels like that when I said "Oh, its just a natural towel-lent of mine"
Friend: Text me when you have time.
Me: When you have time.
It was a draw.
My dad asked me how my very first arduino program was going.
Me: "I made an LED blink!!"
Dad: "Wow, I think I would definitely lose a staring contest with an LED."
My wife and I were enjoying coffee this morning when I asked her what kind it was. My daughter said "It's hazelnut coffee! Right, Mommy?" My wife said "No. Way off." To which my daughter replied "Way off coffee?"
The app is called "Punfound".
Last Mother's Day, I surprised my parents by making an unannounced day-trip back home from college (3 hours away). When I got home, my sister had just gotten off work and needed to be picked up. She texted my dad, "Send someone to pick me up." My Dad sent me to get her from work, and she obviously wasn't expecting me. On the drive back, unbeknownst to me, my sister had texted my dad "Trieclipse doesn't count." Suddenly my sister bursts out laughing. My Dad had texted back, matter-of-factly, "He can count to 10."