Finally took my chances and went put on the pull with my new aftershave called breadcrumbs

Complete success! The birds love it

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I-am-Just-Sam
πŸ“…︎ May 07
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Jesus give Judas a second chance?

Because Jesus didn't want to be double crossed

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nichi789
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
My wife laughed, "The lottery is a tax on fools who can't do math!" I shrugged and said, "You never know! Anybody can win the lottery." Folding her arms, she asked, "Do you even know the chances of a person winning the lottery?" I shot back, "Yes!! 100%!!"

"A person always wins!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)

πŸ‘︎ 29k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/megad1rt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I finished reading Bon Jovi’s biography and had the wonderful chance to ask him if he actually did the stuff in his biography.

He just shrugged and said it’s my life

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SimilarThought9
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
If you ever get the chance to go to India

You have to try their New Delhi

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
I was once offered the chance to join a secret club, where anyone who asks a question is permanently banned.

I said, "Sure, why not?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryanooooo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23
🚨︎ report
Finland is offering foreign tech workers the chance to relocate to the Nordic country for 90 days to see if they want to make the move permanent.

If they don't, after the 90 days they will finnish being Finnish

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akodo1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
The chances of seeing two together is quite remote.
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HypnotizeD_X
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2020
🚨︎ report
If someone yawns on tv and yawning is contagious, that person has a chance of being a superspreader and causing a short yawndemic 🐸

Ever thought about that?

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HMK360
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
There’s a chance of snow in the forecast

I’m snow excited

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/meganium58
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
What are the chances of meeting Eminem?

Very Slim

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/M_OrangeJu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What are the chances of seeing a skinny man next to a catholic woman?

Slim to nun

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/afc1224
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Had a chance to get frisky with the wife this morning, but my alarm went off.

I guess I got clock-blocked.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blue_cole
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Chances of rain
πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/s1ddB
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it...

πŸ‘︎ 679
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Just found this store by chance called Ollie’s. Aside from all the great liquidation sales, the walls are a pun gold mine! I felt it be a crime not to post pictures of it on here. reddit.com/gallery/iij3ts
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KORZILLA-is-me
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are very competitive, but when it came to flamingo impersonation, I didn't stand a chance

She had a leg up the whole time

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/penny_eater
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
If you're in your mid to late thirties, chances are you were born in the...
πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?

An authoritative write winged government.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaMusicista
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Chance of getting the job? Absolute zero.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
A cloudy chance for a good pun

Today I jumped at the fog, but I mist

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kiing_Lamar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.

"This concludes my probaballistic report."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthlybird
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do Alexander the Great, Winnie the Pooh, and Chance the Rapper have in common?

Same middle name.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
🚨︎ report
.... I didn't want to take a chance on him
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/unic0rnamz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I got the chance to hold the world's largest cucumber today.

I've gotta say, it really was quite cumbersome.

When I dropped it, i thought i was in quite a pickle.

But then someone said "it's no big dill".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PencilFetish
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
It is scientifically proven that eating cookies reduces the chance of you getting a stroke.

Mostly golf strokes, swimming strokes, tennis strokes etc.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.

Shocking isn't it.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crackshot666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Hi! I got a chance to play the trumpet for my school band!‡️

BUT I blew it

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/psyche_a_trik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The COVID-19 quarantine has finally given me the chance to organize my books.

From best to toilet paper.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caritas86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2020
🚨︎ report
They had a chance to call them β€œsteer muffs”, and they squandered it...
πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Shantotto11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
🚨︎ report
The Empire doesn’t stand a chance
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ianrichy12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Man found dead with no legs FIRST 48: Never stood a chance...
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joshisgod90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Cremation, the last chance for a smokin hot body
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gupp06
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
There's a Chance
πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/donovan280
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
🚨︎ report
If you ever get the chance to go to India

You have to try their New Delhi

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it!

πŸ‘︎ 168
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance

Unfortunately she blew it

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wattson86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it!

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report

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