What kind of a government would Authors form if given a chance?

An authoritative write winged government.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LaMusicista
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
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I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside the house today and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it...

πŸ‘︎ 685
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21
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It is scientifically proven that eating cookies reduces the chance of you getting a stroke.

Mostly golf strokes, swimming strokes, tennis strokes etc.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 18
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I got the chance to hold the world's largest cucumber today.

I've gotta say, it really was quite cumbersome.

When I dropped it, i thought i was in quite a pickle.

But then someone said "it's no big dill".

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PencilFetish
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
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"There's a 60% chance the killer shot the victim from this spot right here and a 40% chance he shot from over there", said the detective.

"This concludes my probaballistic report."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earthlybird
πŸ“…︎ May 01
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What do Alexander the Great, Winnie the Pooh, and Chance the Rapper have in common?

Same middle name.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/afranc72
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28
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A cloudy chance for a good pun

Today I jumped at the fog, but I mist

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kiing_Lamar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15
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.... I didn't want to take a chance on him
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/unic0rnamz
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
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Your first name can highly influence your chances for pregnancy.

Like a Sophia has higher chance of getting pregnant in comparison of an Andrew.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/markandor_001
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25
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If you're in your mid to late thirties, chances are you were born in the...
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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There is a higher chance of being struck by lightning than to be killed in a shark attack.

Shocking isn't it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crackshot666
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10
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Chances of rain
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/s1ddB
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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The COVID-19 quarantine has finally given me the chance to organize my books.

From best to toilet paper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caritas86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
Hi! I got a chance to play the trumpet for my school band!‡️

BUT I blew it

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/psyche_a_trik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23
🚨︎ report
They had a chance to call them β€œsteer muffs”, and they squandered it...
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shantotto11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
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Man found dead with no legs FIRST 48: Never stood a chance...
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshisgod90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
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Chance of getting the job? Absolute zero.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
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I'm thinking of studying aerodynamics, but there's a chance I'll go into meteorology instead.

It's still up in the air.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dronizian
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2019
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I warned my daughter about blowing her whistle inside and gave her one last chance...

But she blew it

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My boss warned me that I shouldn’t blow the whistle in the office anymore. He gave me one last chance.

But unfortunately, I blew it

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/varun_chakilam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Cremation, the last chance for a smokin hot body
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gupp06
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2019
🚨︎ report
If you're in your mid to late thirties in 2019, chances are you were born in the

T T T T T T T T

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LordJimsicle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2019
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The Empire doesn’t stand a chance
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ianrichy12
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2019
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Water the chances of groaning
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madribby78
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2019
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There's a Chance
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πŸ‘€︎ u/donovan280
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Only had Juan chance to get this right.
πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DawnOfArkham
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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Arguing with my friend about taking chances at prom
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JanniStan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
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Dad: Be careful standing near those trees. Me: Why? The sky is clear, there's no chance of lightning.

Dad: I don't know really, they just look kind of shady to me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kpontop9
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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If you are smothered by hanging window coverings with no chance of escape...

...it's curtain death for you.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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Whenever I get the chance to take an elevator or an escalator, I always do it...

I was always taught, growing up, that it was impolite to stair.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shehadadick
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
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I don't c the point in alaphabet jokes but, a I guess u got to give m a chance

this joke is so bad that it deserves an f

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talcabus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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My friend bought a really expensive tie online, but there is a good chance it’s fake.

I think his ascot ripped off.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Cremation is my last chance to have a smoking hot body.
πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mapguy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2018
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By chance, I saw an old friend just recently while in a men's' restroom. I said to him...

"Long time, no pee."

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Budzee
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2017
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Did you know that having a household cat increases your chances of being killed by a cat?

I was petrified.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpectrumPrime
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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What are the chances that we can add all the integers from 1 to a 100?

I’d say, 50 50.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I use dad jokes every chance i get...

Me: how was class?

Her: alright we talked about soil. The entire lecture was on soil. How it is made, what contributes to good soil quality. And we learned the twelve categories of soil. Couldn't have been more boring.

Me: boring? Sounds pretty down to earth to me.

Her: haha that's was ridiculous

Me: what, should of I went with a dirtier joke?

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MadMojo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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What's the difference between a fat Chance and a slim Chance?

His waistline

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrLetric
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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What are the chances of being stung by a bee when walking past a hive?

There are numerous probabilibees.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I never get a chance to talk to my Dad during breakfast, because he still reads the newspaper.

I guess you could say that....he is behind the Times.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone drew this at the ice cream store I work at. Meet Chance the Frapper!
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pwilly10
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
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My son missed his chance to make a wish when the candles went out

He blew it.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VamanaGG
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2018
🚨︎ report
My Dad used to hit me with this one every chance he got. As a soon to be father, I cant wait to drive my own son nuts with this gold nugget.

on any unexpected car ride

Me: "Dad, where are we going?"

Dad: "Crazy. Want to come along?" looks over and laughs manically.

Me: "UUUUGGGGHHH

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wmdonovan23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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Sometimes I miss my dad and his jokes :( This one was his GO TO, would tell it every single chance he got.

Dad: What do you call a deer with no eyes?

(expectant silence)

Dad: (relentless attempts to evoke wrong answers from audience)

Dad: No eye-deer??? (:D)

I never found it funny, but now that he's not around to tell it I kinda chuckle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreamOutLoudd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
🚨︎ report
Give Peas a Chance [Gene: An Intimate History by Siddhartha Mukherjee] imgur.com/y7pD6Qr
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lansaman
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
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Finally had the chance to use my favourite dad joke; got the ideal reaction

http://i.imgur.com/RsVJIte.png

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fiftyseven
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2015
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An attorney was offered a chance to play the role of William Shakespeare in a movie, but had to respectfully decline...

"I can't," the lawyer said. "I'd be dis Bard."

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
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The best thing about telling a clean joke at the office is that there is a very good chance no one has ever heard it.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/plumber430
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2017
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If y'all haven't seen the Ultimate Dad Joke Duel, Now's your chance youtube.com/watch?v=YXDh-…
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnglazedDonuts
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2017
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I invented a better egg-beater, but I couldn't find any investors willing to take a chance on my product.

They didn't want to be involved in any "whisky business"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JonQueue
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2017
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If a butler screws up when applying for a job, you should always give them a second chance.

After all, everyone deserves a re-buttle.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/entropomorphic
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2017
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It's not every day you get the chance to get a politician

http://i.imgur.com/3IO9ce8.png

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/red3biggs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
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They should call the Mamma Mia sequel 'Take a Second Chance on Me'
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tomtphysics
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I saw my chance and I took it! I like to think my Dad taught me well.

So I work asphalt maintenance (crackseal). Saturday I had a special note on the contract that said "Only do Major Cracks". Working at a Browning facility it made me think military. So at the end of the day I called up my boss and I just couldn't hold it back anymore. "Sorry, I didn't see Major Cracks, but There was a Colonel Mustard and a Captain Crunch, but I didn't do them as was requested".

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vyrot89
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2014
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There's a 10% chance this is a pun...

It's one-in-tentional

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NextSoulTaken
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
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If you ever get a chance to visit the Middle East...

Beware of shopping in Israel. It Israeli expensive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/anyeyeball
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2015
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If I ever get the chance to name a comet, I am going to name it Mebro.

That way if anyone ever talks about it, it will sound like they are starting a fight.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bukithd
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2016
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I Had A Chance To Make THE Dad Joke (x/post from r/WeHaveConcerns)

I had a quintessential moment that I never thought would come...

My family and I were at church, and my son comes over and pokes at me to get my attention. I lean in close, and he says "I'm hungry."

My response? "Hello Hungry. I'm Dad, how are you?"

Needless to say, there were some folks who were unimpressed with us trying to stifle our laughter...or my pride that he thought it was funny. Got to start 'em young!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeekmasterPrime
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2015
🚨︎ report
If I had the chance to name an alleyway I would name it Bowling Alley
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crandberrytea
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
🚨︎ report
I carry this in my wallet on the off chance someone asks to see a picture of my kids.
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RildotheCrafty
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Grandpa dropped this one before my dad had the chance to lay it down

Me: "I think I'm going to wear my electric-blue tie for the rehearsal dinner." Grandpa: "Where the hell are you gonna plug it in all night?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/menwithrobots
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2014
🚨︎ report
I ask my dad, "What are the chances of me borrowing the car today?"

He Responds, "Two Chances," I look expectantly. 'Slim and None."

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nfestid
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
🚨︎ report
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2

If you fellow dadjokers haven't seen this, it's basically a movie full of dadjokes. :)

"We're all here to help you...now it's time to let us." (while he points to a leaf of lettuce)

I suggest watching it immediately. :)

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/choralmaster
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
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I finally got my chance to dadjoke my mom this morning

So my mom is known for being a hard ass when it comes to grades, but this morning she tells us that in 5th grade she actually had straight C's on a report card. As she was describing how much she hates the school work back then, I couldn't help but stop her and say "so was it just too elementary for you?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThickPotato
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2014
🚨︎ report
He never misses a chance to say it.

Dad: What do you want for dinner?

Me: Can you make me some hot dogs?

Dad: POOF! you're some hot dogs.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brianbaumy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
🚨︎ report
As kids my dad would pull this one on us every chance he had.

Dad: "Hey, do you guys want to stop at Mcdonalds?"

My brother and me: "Yes!!!"

Drives past McDonalds

Dad: "Well we aren't actually going to, I was just wondering if you wanted to."

Pure evil.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brooklyn03
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2014
🚨︎ report
I was at the hospital when I got a chance to use this joke.

Two doctors were having a conversation about recent news topics. Doctor"So what do you think about this whold Snowden case?" The other doctor goes to talk but I got in the middle of them and said "I don't know what you think but I think if it keeps snowing like it is we're going to be Snowden!" All I got was frowns and sighs.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iammilke
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2014
🚨︎ report
Dad never misses the chance to use this one.

Whenever we walk by a Synagogue or Jewish owned business he says "Hey are you guys circumcised?" reminding us that we have to be in order to enter

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BitingInsects
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2013
🚨︎ report
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it!

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance

Unfortunately she blew it

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wattson86
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance...

Unfortunately, she blew it!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyGagi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2019
🚨︎ report

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