My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."
My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my future wife to help me fold my laundry."
I busted out laughing. But the end result is that now I have to fold my own laundry going forward.
Dad: The sun is out! Oh nevermind now it's gone
Me: It's just a little shy
Dad: yeah that's why they call it sunSHYne...
Brother: It's hard getting used to these dental fillings. Dad: You'll just have to bite through it.
They make up everything.
I was proud.
We’re sitting in the chill out area at work and there’s an old Metallica guitar Tab book near us.
One of the girls says “That book smells like the 90’s”.
A guy laughs and says “What does the 90’s smell like?”
I say “Teen Spirit!”
Then I realized “that would be crazy!”
Sorry, wrong sub.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.
Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
"Saudi Arabia Oil Fears Look Well Founded."
I love it when these things occur in nature!
A dad was with his daughter and she was looking for hair dye and he said... "Don't get that red colour you got last time, it made you a transginger"
I Han a hen than could count her own eggs she was a mathemachicken
Clark Kent’s lucky he gets his powers from the sun, we just get cancer
My wife just now, relaxing after we got the kids to sleep: Do we have any toast?
Me: No, but we have bread!
Wife: 😐 *silence*
Me: I'll just see myself out. *laughing all the way to the pantry*
They don’t meet the koalifications
Still one of my best so here's the set up.
I take my wife on a cruise for her birthday. Each night during dinner they have a section of things you would not normally try but you're on a cruise so try it. Anyway one night they had braised ox tongue. So I order it and get a side eye from the wife while doing so. It arrives and I had correctly anticipated her question. Anyway here's the conversation...
Braised ox tongue appetizer is set before me. I cut a small piece and put in it my mouth and begin to chew.
Wife: Well, how is it?!?
Me: (slowly looking up) it's... tasty.
W: Did you really order that just to make that joke?
Me: yes, yes I did.
In all actuality it was quite good.
But it was a real fortune smeller.
We all know that pokemon evolve after being trained for a while. There is a little known fact that some Pokémon evolve into different Pokémon based on how you raise them.
For example,did you know if you raise a pikachu badly it evolves into a nasty little Pokémon called pissed-at-chu!!
Me: “Boys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”
Husband: “Hurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”
Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street? Well she is now a receptionist in an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital.
Unfortunately, she is no longer allowed to answer the hospital telephones. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say:
“Picabo, I.C.U.”
Then he mutters under his breath "I'd rather use my fingers"
I can’t believe I fell for it.
I asked her, “Do those taste good??”
She replied, “No, but the taste is...compelling.”
So I shouted “THE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!”
"Dad, can I go swimming?"
"Not right now. Wait five or ten minutes."
"Ok, I choose five."
"... Fair enough."
"A$AP Rocky released from prison and on his way home to the United States from Sweden. It was a Rocky Week, get home ASAP A$AP!"
My dad was a fighter pilot in WWII. He always claimed that most folks have no idea what the real purpose of a propeller is. They're thrown off by the name. The purpose is not really for propulsion. It's to keep the pilot cool. He claimed that he could prove it.
"Just turn it off and watch the pilot start to sweat."
Its got no culture!
Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?
Me: Two, you have two, son.
Son: Nope.... I have four. Point to belly two kidneys here... points to legs... and two kid knees here!
The student has become the teacher.
Me: the actors who played anakin, emperor palpatine, and darth vader came to meet and kid with a terminal illness recently.
Dad: You'd think that Hayden Christiensen would've thought the kid had suffered enough.
Because the don’t meet the koalafications.
Because they dont meet the koalafications
