You just have to listen varicosely
She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.
Me: "Hey dad, hypothetically, if the world suddenly ran out of beer, what would you do?"
Dad: "I'd probably swap to pandas."
Me: "Is ... is that like a type of cider?"
Dad: "No, it's a black and white animal."
Me: "Dad? There aren't any pandas in New Zealand?"
Dad: "Well, there's no bears either."
I couldn’t fathom it.
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
I thought they just ate out..
A dad was with his daughter and she was looking for hair dye and he said... "Don't get that red colour you got last time, it made you a transginger"
Me: Urgh, my foot has fallen asleep, I hate when that happens.
Dad: That’s annoying; now it’s not going to be able to get to sleep tonight!
It’s assault.
On the day my daughter was born Nurse: We're gonna have to give her a few shots in her heel. Me: Her heel?! She's not going to be able to walk for months!
Lion, Ass, Cheetah
It was misread to be Type O blood. I guess you could call it a typo.
Clark Kent’s lucky he gets his powers from the sun, we just get cancer
He won by ten percent.
I only learned my letters up to quueeuuee
Person 1: knock knock Person 2: who’s there Person 1: cash Person 2: cash who Person 1: Actually I prefer almonds
“I can’t imagine the pane you must be going through”
I was in the mall with my family. A guy is in the mall with a pair of jumper cables (Legit jumper cables in the mall and I don’t know why) he got on the escalator ahead of me. I tapped him on the shoulder and told him, “Hey, don’t try to start anything in here”
What’s Kesha done to deserve this?
......Absolutely Nothing!!
But there is nothing more gratifying than when I tell a great Dad joke and my wife goes “Damnit, I fell for it. I thought you were being serious.”
And for those of you disappointed in the lack of a joke, two guys walk into a bar and it hurt.
...going twice…
Yeah, it's actually Yoda Layheeho.
I said, “That’s.....a novel idea.”
I keep it Loki.
It's called artificial scare-city
Let's say I raised the bar and set the steaks.
From a well, actually..
I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Die Firma
Still one of my best so here's the set up.
I take my wife on a cruise for her birthday. Each night during dinner they have a section of things you would not normally try but you're on a cruise so try it. Anyway one night they had braised ox tongue. So I order it and get a side eye from the wife while doing so. It arrives and I had correctly anticipated her question. Anyway here's the conversation...
Braised ox tongue appetizer is set before me. I cut a small piece and put in it my mouth and begin to chew.
Wife: Well, how is it?!?
Me: (slowly looking up) it's... tasty.
W: Did you really order that just to make that joke?
Me: yes, yes I did.
In all actuality it was quite good.
... Would he be called Thaw?
Looks like I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Well, Upper Jurassic.
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
They don’t meet the koalifications
Dad: Okay, but how the hell do I know if it’s raining in Sweden?
Dad: To avoid such questions!
But it was a real fortune smeller.
And I can guarantee you no one has ever heard them.
They were cooked in Greece. :)
