My friend bought a microscopically precise pencil sharpener.

I don’t see the point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PulkPush
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
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Which rapper isn't very precise?

Macklemore or less

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaihemGaming
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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Precise!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedditingDino
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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Precise dad joke!

Me: What time does our movie start tonight? Wife: Don't know precisely when it starts but I am guessing around 9.30. Me: You know there is no imprecision in my dictionary. In my dictionary Imprecision means "I M Precision!"

Goes without saying, I am ready to be a dad! :P

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πŸ‘€︎ u/supreeth106
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2015
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When does a joke become a dad joke

When it becomes apparent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Madmax-imus
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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Coroner Dad: He died at precisely 11-45 p.m.

Detective: Are you positive?

Coroner: It’s difficult with all the dead bodies around, but I’m hanging in there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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Even Ferdinand Feghoot could be outpunned on occasion – but he always rose to the challenge.

There was, for instance, the time he conducted a crew of new S.A.R.H. (Society for the Aesthetic Rearrangement of History -BJ) recruits – all from late twentieth-century Terra – on a training study of Carter’s World, a newly established agricultural colony attempting to support itself by the export of edible nuts. Barely into their second generation, and having yet to show a profit, the colonists were technologically backward. Nevertheless, they showed a surprising ingenuity in the use of their few advantages. It was this resourcefulness that Feghoot was demonstrating to his rookies.

β€œLook at the perfection with which these streets are graded”, exclaimed one student. β€œEarth-moving machinery on this scale is strictly high technology stuff. How can they do it?”

β€œA new alleyway is being constructed, nearby”, said Feghoot. β€œLet us walk that way while I explain.” As they strolled, he told his students that countless centuries before, the Carter’s World system had been inhabited by a now-vanished race of giants. This very planet had served them for a nursery, and among the many artifacts they had left were thousands of childrens blocks, immense and precision-cut. You simply jack one up onto logs, bring it where you want it, put collapsible jacks underneath, snake out the logs, spread soil more or less evenly beneath, and collapse the jacks.

β€œI see”, said the student. β€œIt’s not graded road at all; its a simple hammered-earth base.”

β€œThat’s right,” Feghoot went on smoothly. β€œYou just hit the road jack and don’t come back no mo.”

His students registered dismay and anguish.

β€œIsn’t that right, old-timer?,” Feghoot demanded of an ancient Carterian standing by the mouth of the newly completed alley they had just reached.

β€œAhm afraid not, suh”, said the senior citizen, and the students giggled at Feghoots discomfiture. β€œOh, we used to do it that way, but it was far too much trouble. It’s the soil heah. You see, the very same soil which produced our famous cashews is so high in clay content that a child could roll out a road of it. Then, we simply use a system of lenses to bake it into hardness. Ahve just completed this alley mahself, and ahm just a retired professor of Sports History, much too old and feeble to handle hydraulic jacks.

β€œSo you see,” he finished, eyes twinkling, β€œMah hammered alley is really cashews clay.”

Howls of agony rose from the students, but Feghoot never hesitated. β€œAnd he”, he said, turning to his students, β€œis clearly the gradi

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nomnommish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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People are always amazed by the skilled tattoo artists in Spain

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gamer_Noob_69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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PRECISION GERMAN ENGINE imgur.com/gallery/Wbjc5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hate_mail
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
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Can a ninja aim precisely?

surehecan

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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I got a pen in Barcelona. It writes so smoothly. I can get the finest lines out of it. Everyone is so surprised by it

Because no one expects the Spanish ink precision!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahh-potatoes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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Once upon a time in numberland, a three-person race was held

In it took part the Minus sign, and the numbers zero and -2. All three ended the race at precisely the same time.

-2, Minus Won; 0 Won Too.

(Reddit, I am counting on you to make this stupid joke popular!)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keychainoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
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People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn't believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.

Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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Dad jokes are a thing

Because that’s precisely when you start kidding.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theRiverknows86
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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Whats it called when a boeing 747 bounces on the landing strip?

A boing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_floof
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
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Whenever I tell my friends that I got my incredibly detailed tattoos in Barcelona, they seem surprised.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2018
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There's no reason to transfigure this pun!

Professor- Ok Class, I am your professor, McGonagall, and today I will be teaching you about the transfiguration spell, Now do any of you actually know of the spell?

(silence)

Professor- Well then, I'll just have to Show you.. now, the hand movements are precisely like... this(hand movement)!Now any volunteers.?

Me- Raises hand

Professor -Ok then, your task is to turn this bear into a.... Clock!

Me-Oh no! I can't Bear to watch!!!!!!!!!!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DonnAwesome
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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I'm always fascinated by how high-tech knives are

They are all cutting edge

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πŸ‘€︎ u/minifiji
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
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Everyone knows santa is European right?

North Polish to be precise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eltegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
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Two NASA engineers were arguing...

Two NASA engineers were arguing over the feasibility of building a high tech satellite that could see everything, anywhere in the galaxy, by orbiting a spherical lens around a mirrored device at various ranges of orbit. An application controlling the length of the O-Range (range of orbit) would pull the lens in, then release it, and centripetal force would pull it out again. The length of the "app pull", the distance the application would pull the lens back from orbit, had to be precise to ensure proper visibility at all times.

One of the scientists argued that the math to ensure total visibility at all times did not work. Eventually, they brought in another scientist to settle the argument. After several moments reviewing the math the two scientists had done on the board, their colleague spoke out.

"It's so obvious why you two cannot come to a conclusion," he said, "you're comparing app pulls to o-ranges!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrthatsthat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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How do you make an octopus laugh ?

Precisely, ten tickles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2018
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I just sold my car and this was my add

Hi Folks, If you are a linguist then I am selling your dream car! I’m selling an Accent, a 2004 Hyundai Accent to be precise. Even if you don’t know a bunch of languages, this car is still great for you.

Just like me, it’s been around the birthday block a few times, but there’s still lots of life left in both of us, I guarantee! If you are looking for the perfect body, seek out a surgeon. If you’re looking for a car that will love you just the way you are, this is it. Now I know what you’re thinking, β€œI bet this is a junker”, but you’d be wrong. Next to my wife this is the best body I’ve ever had my hands on.

What’s wrong with it mechanically you ask? Nothing! It drives great, A/C & heat still work like a dream, breaks work, transmission shifts good, and the 1.6L engine runs great. With its age, the engine has had some parts replaced. All the belts have recently been changed, that happens with age as I just went up a few sizes myself. The washer fluid pump has been changed because it’s important to be able to have a good cry once in a while. I did an oil change in the summer and depending on how long it takes for this car to finds it’s new match, I will do another in the next month or so.

Since beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I’ll give you a run down of what the interior is like. It’s what’s on the inside that matters anyway right? I am the 3rd owner of this car and the previous owner was a smoker. I don’t believe there is a cigarette smell anymore but the cloth seats do have little holes in them. I mean hey, when you play with fire you get burnt right? The stereo head unit has been replaced with a modern Pioneer as the original just wasn’t in tune with my musical needs as a Dj. The only real problem this pretty young thing has is the passenger rear seatbelt does not retract. Since I have two mini controllers I taxi around, I’ve had car seats in the back and have had no reason to replace the seatbelt yet. A new one is only a cool $250 from Hyundai but will take some time for delivery. There are still 4 working seatbelts in the car so if you’re traveling with another couple, I’m sure they’ll love to cuddle up in the middle and behind you, the driver.

The trunk is spacious enough for the average trunk but just doesn’t work out so well for hauling Dj gear. The rear seats fold as easy a poker player having their bluff called, so it will give you extra room. Not much more that I can think of to tell you about but take a look at the plethora of p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjBWren
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2017
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I once told my dad you miss 100% of the shots you don't take -

He said not when you're hungover - then you miss precisely 0% of the shots you did take!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phish_tacos
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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Peter Dinklage is a star..

A white dwarf, to be precise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rick0r
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2017
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Time sensitive dadjoke, pick your moment

Dad: "Hey let's go eat at that new restaurant over there"

Unsuspecting victim: "It's not new, the sign says 'Serving delicious food since 1923'"

Dad: "Yeah, that was only... dramatically looks at watch... 24 minutes ago!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chibolamoo
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2014
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[REQUEST] Username Pun

Hi guys, I need to change my username online (mostly used in games) as it's not really something unique ( came from a book I read when I was younger ).

I'm trying to find something quite funny, with plays on words for example. But english isn't my native language and I find it quite hard ! So I'm asking you guys to help me :) You're the best for that imho !

If you could help me find something mixing music (percussions/drums), sciences (my field of study, physics to be more precise), beer and animals maybe (?) (because I like that !)

I think this is possible to find something using some science-specific noun and something else. But I can't seem to find one that suits me :(

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PRD-dat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2016
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My son just bumped his head [help]

OK, this just happened: bumped head, bag of frozen veggies, < enter dad stage left (the doorway, stage right is a window, and it's shut).>

Me: what happened little man? Him: <he explains> Me: So... mummy peed on your head? <Wife smirks condescendingly> Him: what?

Now, this is what I need help with, it's not the first time this has happened either, the wife goes on for a minute or so explaining how "wee" is sometimes called "pee" and how I'm deliberately misunderstanding him for comic effect.

If this wasn't bad enough he then howls with laughter for about five minutes getting me to repeat what I said again and again, all the while jumping around in the bed and generally totally cured by my comedic genius.

This isn't the way it's meant to be, is it? Can I enrol in a local parenting class, or should I send my wife to couples therapy?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/created4this
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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Asked my Dad to drop me off to College for 12:30

Sister : "Can you drop me off at 12:30 to please?"

Dad: "12:32? Do I need to be that precise?

He walked off looking quite pleased with himself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamesLoganLIES
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2013
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I think this is a dad joke

I'm a dad and I like telling it, so I guess that's qualification enough. I heard this joke about 26 years ago, and I still laugh at it. Slightly long, so don't hate me.

A guy that lives alone decided that he wanted to get a pet. He went to a pet store in his city to see what was available. The man tells the associate at the store that he wants a pet, but he doesn't want an "ordinary" pet like a cat or dog, he wants something unique. The associate asks the man if he by chance has a swimming pool at his house, and the man replies that he indeed does have a pool. The associate says, "Great! I've got just the pet for you. Actually it is two pets -- two beautiful porpoises. And these aren't ordinary porpoises, either. They will never die, but there is one small catch. To keep them alive, once a year at noon on July 1, you have to feed each one of them an immature sea gull, before the birds have learned to fly." The associate tells the man that he shouldn't worry about the annual feeding, though, because the associate will always make sure he has two birds available for the man every year on July 1.

The man buys the pets, fills his swimming pool with salt water, and really enjoys the companionship of the porpoises throughout the year. On June 30, the man calls the pet store to make sure the two birds are available, and sure enough they are. The next day, he goes to the pet store at 10 a.m. to purchase the birds, and while he is inside the store he hears a lot of commotion coming from just outside the store. He goes to the front of the store to see what's going on outside, and he finds that there is a huge, ferocious lion trying to get into the store through the front door. Luckily, the door swings outward from the store, so the lion can't get it open. The police call the store associate to tell him what has happened. The main attraction (the lion) from the state zoo just up the road from the store had escaped, and the lion could sense all the small animals that were inside the pet store, so he was trying to get into the store to eat them. The police are waiting for the zoo's lion tamer to show up and get the animal back into captivity.

Meanwhile, the man who was at the store to buy the birds to feed to his pets was getting really anxious. He was trapped inside the store, there was no other exit, and the time was quickly approaching noon. The associate reminded the man that he absolutely had to feed his pets at precisely noon, otherwise th

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/phallivore
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2017
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My Dad emailed me this joke this evening

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aznatheist620
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Girlfriend dadjoked for the first time in two years

I had previously told her that I'm afraid of going bald as I get older. Cut to later in the day...

Me: Gore in movies and games doesn't bother me when heads and arms and stuff are getting sliced off. But I get a little cringy when it's a scalpel cutting into skin; precision cuts are weird for me.

GF: Is it because it's a scalp el?

Me: ...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/magladek
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2014
🚨︎ report
Not a dad, but I think I'm on my way to being a good one.

From a convo between me and my gf on Gchat:

Me: did you bring a lunch with you?

gf: I brought a secret lunch. Today it is crackers and a clementine

Me: spy apples?

gf: HA. I take off the wrappers and peel at home and snack stealthily.

Me: so you have a sneack?

gf: precisely

Me: or a clandestintine?

gf: WOW

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AJs_Sandshrew
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked my dad on fathers day

My dad was talking about how tall he is. Saying that he was so precisely 6' 0" tall that he could be used as a measurement.

Dad: "I'm six foot even. You can use me like a yard stick." Me: "More like a two-yard stick."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wbonnefond
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2014
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People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
🚨︎ report
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain...

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision...

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
🚨︎ report
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain...

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision...

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2018
🚨︎ report

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