Some say there is no way for a woman to play Cat Woman correctly

but Anne Hathaway

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ryonnsan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
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Fun fact: You can’t breathe correctly while smiling

Just kidding, made you smile :)

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etheranad
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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A man goes to the doctor, and says "doctor, I havent been peeing correctly and its painful". The doctor replies "I will have to perform a prostate exam." As the doctor examines the man, he pulls out an $100 bill out of his bottom. This continues, he keeps pulling out money from this man's bottom.

After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"

The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/domheffo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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I'm bothered by lazy geologists who don't take the time to correctly identify rocks...

Sometimes they take this schist for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkrjoe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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How do you correctly compliment a dad joke?

Dads a good joke!

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AbandonedS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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And I still can’t say it correctly...
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Chosen_Pun_
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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I don't like to spell correctly

it's a sic-ness

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaehrimnirKiller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2020
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A cop left a nice note on my windshield to let me know I'd parked my car correctly...

It said "Parking Fine"

πŸ‘︎ 833
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2019
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I want to help people spell diarrhea correctly.

Prevent irregular vowel movement.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KidDene
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2017
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I went to a lawyer yesterday to try and sue Starbucks for not filtering my coffee correctly.

But it turns out there were no grounds.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunselpower
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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I was arrested by the grammar police for not using the full stop correctly.

I’m now looking at a long sentence.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2018
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The only way you can spell incorrectly correctly

Is if you spell it incorrectly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/curlyman89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2018
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, a woman asked me if her dry ice was priced correctly

I told her "Yes ma'am, the ice is right." Silence. I worked so hard on that joke in my mind, and she didn't get it. My talent is unappreciated.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OutrageousKoala
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2016
🚨︎ report
No Auto-Correct?
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RogueDisciple
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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You do realize that it's biblically correct for a man to make the coffee. Haven't you ever read the book,

Hebrews

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mastiff_Speed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2020
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Corrective lenses.
πŸ‘︎ 135
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thumbs0fDestiny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
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My Ex-wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...

Arson.

πŸ‘︎ 294
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kinjesus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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They just don’t taste right!
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gacha_gurlOwO
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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I think the girl at the Airlines check-in just threatened me.

She looked me dead in the eye and said, β€œWindow or aisle?” I laughed in her face and replied, β€œWindow or you’ll what?”

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nandos677
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
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My father was born as a conjoined twin, but the doctors managed to separate them at birth.

So I have an uncle, once removed.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I started a job watching hourglasses just to check if the correct amount of time was passing for them.

But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter(7) just caught me off guard with this.

Daughter : Whats Nana's middle name?

Me: the same as mommies, I think

Daughter: her middle name is just i think?

I'm so proud. Sorry if I don't know how to format, I tried.

πŸ‘︎ 329
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πŸ‘€︎ u/podolot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Cooking up some drugs is easy if u know the steps and calculate the correct dosages

Like, it’s basic meth

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ApexPredator1509_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
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It’s the lighter fluid
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kelly240361
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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What's brown and runny?

Usain Bolt

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FuckinWimp87
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2021
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I just got done performing at the local correctional facility

It was a captive audience

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattxfish
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2020
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I stand corrected

Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cakeboy79
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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My wife insisted she has nudist genes

I responded that nudists are defined by their lack of jeans

Edit: there->their

Edit 2: Awards? Wow! I'd like to thank the Academy, the community, my wife, and the man who made this post possible, my father in law!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/S93C141
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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Did you hear that less toys have been made this year in Santa’s workshop?

Many of his workers had to Elf Isolate.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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A correct sign
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBrontosaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
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Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".

I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.

The physical pain on his face was priceless.

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2020
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Dad: Son, what be a pirate's favorite restaurant? Son: Arrrrby's! Dad: Correct! And what be a pirate's favorite animal? Son: Arrrrmadillo! Dad: Right again! But what be a pirate's favorite body part? Son: Easy. The arrrrrm!

Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!

πŸ‘︎ 261
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wileydan
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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I hate my cow...

Hasn’t even been making milk! It’s an utter failure.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/magmaraptor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I just ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles.

My next trip to the bathroom might spell disaster.

πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cabbithunt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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The guy who invented auto-correct passed away today.

Restaurant in peace

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avianthon
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I failed my medical school entrance exam last week, thanks to nerves.

The correct answer was blood vessels.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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I was milking a cow and a fly flew in its ear.

I thought, that’s weird, I just kept milking. A while later, the same fly showed up in the milk bucket. I guess that’s what they say: in one ear, out the udder.

Edit: corrected an udder failure.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2020
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i just learn that sorry is improper grammar and that the correct way to say it is i'm sorry

(sorry bad English)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brohemianrasputin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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It all

The title says it all

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dan9n
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Tippex

Didn’t you invent Tippex? Correct me if I’m wrong

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoolPaul75
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a band called 999MB.

they haven't had any gigs yet.

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ineedapapaya
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Why are there no politically correct motor-sports fans?

PC-people don't see race.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sdric
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
It might not be politically correct to say this....

...but Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.

πŸ‘︎ 196
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him

so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sexxc
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the teacher explode when he was corrected by one of his students?

Because he was undermined

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunkz3n
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Australian tennis star Bernard Tomic's sister, Ana, agreeing with her friend Ally about the positions of body parts

Ana Tomic: Ally, correct

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
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I was a Dad at work the other day

My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).

Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."

Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."

Coworker: "Yeah?"

Me: "Squeak Squeak."

Coworker: *Sigh*

πŸ‘︎ 695
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megaman_90
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Helping the postman get this to the correct address
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoggyPaste
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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If 90Β° says anything in argument with the other angles, it's always correct.

Cuz it's the only right angle.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thats-MEan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2019
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A traffic cop went to the trouble of leaving a note under the wipers to let me know I'd positioned my car correctly.

It said "Parking fine". So that was nice.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2017
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When my father said he had a 'Dad bod', I wanted to correct him so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."
πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maryfountain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
🚨︎ report

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