I call it a sighsmograph.
Poly = many. Ticks = blood sucking parasites.
It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"
Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.
Superintendent really wanted the students to get a Positive result in their upcoming tests.
I told him I miter saw who it was...
Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck.
The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right.
The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left.
The third jumps up and yells, “We got him! We got him!“
MOSQUITO
You could say my position is tare-a-bull
Because Dawn is tough on Greece
Te Ching
He said he couldn't complain.
I went to Madrid last week and bought a pen. The pen was smooth and extremely accurate. Everybody who knew was surprised, no one expected the Spanish inkprecision
I just feel like they need a more accurate job title, like Sub Humans.
A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, “What’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, “What’s in the sack?” The man again replies, “It’s nothing worth seeing, don’t worry.” Later, the man comes up for his third drink. The bartender says, “Look, if you show me whats in that sack, I’ll give you a free drink. Whatever you want.” The man thinks for a moment, and opens the sack. He pulls out a tiny man, and a tiny piano. The tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender, surprised, asks, “Wow! Where’d you get this guy?” The man pulls out a magic lamp from the sack. “This thing. It can grant any wish. But the wish won’t be 100% accurate.” The bartender asks, “Can I try it out?” The man gives the magic lamp to the bartender. “I wish I had 100 bucks.” A few seconds later, 100 ducks waddle into the bar. The bartender says, “You’re right. This thing isnt very accurate” The man says, “I know. did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”
http://i.imgur.com/mEzEu5H.jpg
My dad is convinced that he coined the term "SQTM" online, meaning "smiling quietly to myself," in lieu of the often-hyperbolized "LOL." And tries to implement it frequently.
The young guy says, “That’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”
The old guy says, “Well maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"
The young guy says, “She is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”
The old guy says, “Doesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”
It wasn't the most accurate, but it gets the point across.
API - Clearwater Florida - Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition. Luella has been charged with one count of a misdewiener.
It's got a great start but quite a weekend.
How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.
Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.
A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.
If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.
There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.
In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.
Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.
Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.
An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks “may I join you?”
Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?
Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.
Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.
How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.
I named my hard drive “dat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to ‘back dat ass up’.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
I changed my password to “incorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say “Your password is incorrect”.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.
Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.
I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.
A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar
... keep reading on reddit ➡It was "paper-view!"
l
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Unfortunately it seemed a tad informal. If it wasn't accurate, I guess it was just "Pulp Fiction"
I comment to my wife: that's odd.
Wife: (groan)
Me: at least it's accurate, there are three lanes.
Wife: please stop.
Me: right now I can't. It's dangerous with these odd lanes.
So I was eating lunch with some friends when a security guard entered and walked up to our table. The following conversation ensued. [As accurate as I can remember] >Him: How's it going?
>Us: Uh... good?
>Him: That's nice, I noticed you guys were sort of making bird sounds, as a matter of a fact, I studied bird calls in college!
At this point he rambled on for a few minutes about how he could do any bird call we could name, so we asked him to do the robin.
> Him: Fiddles with hands for a few seconds like you would do a normal bird call, Then to our surprise shouts out "Here Robin!, Here Robin!"
Needless to say, he got us pretty well.
Walking out of the theater I said, "All I have to say about Hugh Jackman is that his name is accurate. He was jacked, man!" My dad looks over at me, confused. He goes, "What are Hugh talking about?" Laughs were had.
