I've invented a machine that accurately measures the quality of a dadjoke...

I call it a sighsmograph.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/c_vilela
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
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Do you think the person who coined the word 'artisanal' did it because it accurately describes the "art is anal"?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaerin
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
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Scientifically accurate puns
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
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Politics is the most accurate word in the English language

Poly = many. Ticks = blood sucking parasites.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tao1976
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
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Accurate.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrissiKross
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2020
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Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof.
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Invalleria
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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πŸ’― accurate
πŸ‘︎ 602
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πŸ‘€︎ u/don_gv
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
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I was talking to a girl who makes historically accurate clothing for fun.

It started out as just one dress, but she enjoyed it so much that she started making more. She told us that she is now fully embracing her hobby, and had decided to wear corsets for a week to prove that they can be comfortable and not torture devices. To which I replied: "So I guess you could say that your hobby is fully embracing you!"

Bonus: About 10 minutes previous, I had told one of the other people in the conversation that I'd been practicing my dad jokes for years before my daughter was born.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flaquito_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2020
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Accurate
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
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Did you hear about US schools reopening during the pandemic?

Superintendent really wanted the students to get a Positive result in their upcoming tests.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickD716
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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My construction foreman asked me if I knew who made accurate crosscuts in a workpiece by pulling a mounted circular blade down onto a board in a quick motion...

I told him I miter saw who it was...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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That is accurate
πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Im_Batman_too
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
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A Statistically Accurate Joke

Three statisticians go deer hunting. After some time passes, they come upon a buck.

The first shoots at it and misses by 30 yards to the right.

The second takes a shot and misses by 30 yards to the left.

The third jumps up and yells, β€œWe got him! We got him!β€œ

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabriel_Aurelius
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
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What do you call a small Mexican Muslim?

MOSQUITO

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrotherTausil
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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My job is making sure that the cow weighing scales are accurate

You could say my position is tare-a-bull

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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Why do the people of Athens never wake up early?

Because Dawn is tough on Greece

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheezzlez
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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What’s the most accurate name for an Asian professor?

Te Ching

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpaceCA18DET
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
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Accurate
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DawnOfArkham
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2017
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I asked my North Korean friend how it was there.

He said he couldn't complain.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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I went to Madrid last week

I went to Madrid last week and bought a pen. The pen was smooth and extremely accurate. Everybody who knew was surprised, no one expected the Spanish inkprecision

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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It's my dream to become the CEO of Subway, if for no other reason than to get rid of the horrible job title "Sandwich Artist."

I just feel like they need a more accurate job title, like Sub Humans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jagsfreak
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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I APOLOGIZE IF THIS HAS BEEN POSTED ALREADY

A man with a sack walks into a bar. He orders his first drink. The bartender asks, β€œWhat’s in that sack?” The man replies. It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Later in the night, the man orders another drink. The bartender asks again, β€œWhat’s in the sack?” The man again replies, β€œIt’s nothing worth seeing, don’t worry.” Later, the man comes up for his third drink. The bartender says, β€œLook, if you show me whats in that sack, I’ll give you a free drink. Whatever you want.” The man thinks for a moment, and opens the sack. He pulls out a tiny man, and a tiny piano. The tiny man starts playing the tiny piano. The bartender, surprised, asks, β€œWow! Where’d you get this guy?” The man pulls out a magic lamp from the sack. β€œThis thing. It can grant any wish. But the wish won’t be 100% accurate.” The bartender asks, β€œCan I try it out?” The man gives the magic lamp to the bartender. β€œI wish I had 100 bucks.” A few seconds later, 100 ducks waddle into the bar. The bartender says, β€œYou’re right. This thing isnt very accurate” The man says, β€œI know. did you really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/arandomduckdog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
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A more accurate version of Star Wars

http://i.imgur.com/mEzEu5H.jpg

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wtayjay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2014
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In his defense, it IS more accurate

My dad is convinced that he coined the term "SQTM" online, meaning "smiling quietly to myself," in lieu of the often-hyperbolized "LOL." And tries to implement it frequently.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lachicareal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2013
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An old guy and a young guy were pushing their carts at Home Depot when they collided. The old guy says to the young guy, β€œSorry about that. I’m looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going.”

The young guy says, β€œThat’s okay. It’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a bit anxious.”

The old guy says, β€œWell maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?"

The young guy says, β€œShe is 28 years-old, tall, with brown hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs and she’s wearing tight white shorts. What does your wife look like?”

The old guy says, β€œDoesn't matter, let’s look for yours.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
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I made a Dot Plot Graph in 2 minutes for my Science project

It wasn't the most accurate, but it gets the point across.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Werewolf640
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
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Found in my neighbour's shop, in his late 70s and still punning strong
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RaitonAndShard
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2018
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LORENA BOBBITT'S SISTER ARRESTED

API - Clearwater Florida - Lorena Bobbitt's sister Luella was arrested yesterday for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena. She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition. Luella has been charged with one count of a misdewiener.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrabbieMike
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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Did you hear the story about Saturday and Sunday?

It's got a great start but quite a weekend.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsokaytofeelgood
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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Computer Puns

How do two programmers make money? One writes viruses, the other anti-viruses.


Where’s the best place to hide a body? Page two of Google.


A computer lets you make more mistakes faster than any invention in human history – with the possible exceptions of handguns and tequila.


If it weren’t for C, we’d all be programming in BASI and OBOL.


There are 10 types of people in the world: those who understand binary, and those who don’t.


In a world without fences and walls, who needs Gates and Windows?


Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.


Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.


Never underestimate the bandwidth of a station wagon full of tapes hurling down the highway.


An SQL statement walks into a bar and sees two tables. It approaches, and asks β€œmay I join you?”


Why is it that programmers always confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.


Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft… and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.


How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None. It’s a hardware problem.


I named my hard drive β€œdat ass” so once a month my computer asks if I want to β€˜back dat ass up’.


I think my neighbor is stalking me as she’s been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.


I changed my password to β€œincorrect”. So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say β€œYour password is incorrect”.


A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.


It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.


Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.


A clean house is the sign of a broken computer.


Wifi went down during family dinner tonight. One kid started talking and I didn’t know who he was.


I would like to thank everybody that stuck by my side for those five long minutes my house didn’t have internet.


A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.


Are you a computer whiz? it seems you know how to turn my software to hardwar

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2017
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I saw a documentary on the production of wood pulp the other day

It was "paper-view!"

l

l

l

Unfortunately it seemed a tad informal. If it wasn't accurate, I guess it was just "Pulp Fiction"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/goboatmen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2013
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A sign on the road: UNEVEN LANES

I comment to my wife: that's odd.

Wife: (groan)

Me: at least it's accurate, there are three lanes.

Wife: please stop.

Me: right now I can't. It's dangerous with these odd lanes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zbignich
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2015
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A Dadjoke from a nice old man.

So I was eating lunch with some friends when a security guard entered and walked up to our table. The following conversation ensued. [As accurate as I can remember] >Him: How's it going?

>Us: Uh... good?

>Him: That's nice, I noticed you guys were sort of making bird sounds, as a matter of a fact, I studied bird calls in college!

At this point he rambled on for a few minutes about how he could do any bird call we could name, so we asked him to do the robin.

> Him: Fiddles with hands for a few seconds like you would do a normal bird call, Then to our surprise shouts out "Here Robin!, Here Robin!"

Needless to say, he got us pretty well.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SherlockedWhovian
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2013
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Saw X-Men: Days of Future Past with my dad today and got one-upped on my dad joke...

Walking out of the theater I said, "All I have to say about Hugh Jackman is that his name is accurate. He was jacked, man!" My dad looks over at me, confused. He goes, "What are Hugh talking about?" Laughs were had.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_grandprize
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
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