"Jenny"
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
After about half an hour the doctor says..."You won't believe this, but i just pulled $1999 out of your bottom"
The man turns around and says "Yeah, I wasn't feeling 2 grand"
Sometimes they take this schist for granite.
Said the man in the orthopaedic shoes.
It was a captive audience
Dads a good joke!
My next trip to the bathroom might spell disaster.
(sorry bad English)
Restaurant in peace
Dad: You'd think it would be the arrrrm, but he's rather fond of the booty!
It must have been the delivery...
My coworker mentioned he needed to get a quote for 400 mice(Computer mice).
Coworker: "I need to get a quote for these mice."
Me: "I can give you a quote for those mice."
Coworker: "Yeah?"
Me: "Squeak Squeak."
Coworker: *Sigh*
it's a sic-ness
PC-people don't see race.
I stand corrected
so I said "No, to me it's more like a FATHER FIGURE."
Now his business is toast
Because he was undermined
Surely it's a pigment of their imagination ?
...but Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
Cuz it's the only right angle.
It said "Parking Fine"
You have the recommended six feet between you.
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
I know the math is correct, but that’s just mean.
And they interviewed an applicant named Stan. Stan had no arms due to an accident so the hiring manager asked how he would ever be able to do the job.
"I'll show you",said Stan.
They walked up flight after flight of stairs to the Bell tower all the while the manager wondered how Stan would ever be able to do the job. His questions were soon answered when after reaching the Bell tower, Stan took off running striking the bell face first. Gooong goes the bell. Stan picks himself up, takes off running face first at the bell, Gooong.
"Hold, on. You'll hurt yourself."
"I'm tough," said Stan, " "and I really needed this job"
"Ok," said the manager, leaving Stan to do the job.
All day the bell rang on the hour correctly and the manager thought too soon that he had misjudged Stan. Finally, at six in the evening there were only three gongs, then a commotion. Going out to see what was going on he found Stan dead on the street below. Apparently he had become disoriented from head trauma and missed the bell entirely falling to the street below.
"Who was this man, Who was he?" asked the crowd.
Not wanting to admit liability for the accident, the manager said "I don't know."
"But his face sure rings a bell"
I was putting spray-on sunscreen onto my (not slim) belly and my daughter, seeing the can and not remembering the correct word said, "hey, it's just like grafatty!). I couldn't stop laughing for a solid 5 minutes. I will never be able to put sunscreen on without thinking of that again.
They'd have to resign.
starts with an 'N' and ends with a 'G'
I was told a long time ago your true friends will be honest with you, especially if it's not something that will hurt your feelings really bad.
So this life long joke of "kansaw" was only ever corrected by boyfriends, best friends, and family. Others were people thinking i meant "warsaw" in which i frantically said oh no no no!
I made a point to be say this one main line like "omg can a tornado in kansaw just suck me out of this"
"Maybe i should move to Kansaw where its just wind and tornadoe shelters"
I tried to make it come up organically as possible though.
But the other times where people said nothing, some of these people good friends, now have a joke behind my back but i had it behind their backs first....
Life is fun
They're both cauldron
so you can have 2020 vision
Now you know.
Restaurant In Peace
St Peter says to the nuns "Given you are nuns and have devoted your life to good works you only need to answer a single question each to enter Heaven."
He looks to the first nun and asks "where did the first woman live?"
The first nun quickly replied "the garden of Eden".
St Peter nods approval and looks to the second nun "what was the name of the first woman?"
The second nun pauses for a second and then replies "Eve."
"Well done!" Says St Peter before turning to the third nun and saying "As the Mother Superior you should be able to answer this; what did Eve say to Adam when she first saw him?"
The Mother Superior furrows her brow and says "oh, that's a hard one".
"Correct!" Says St Peter. "You may enter."
A gallon of water. Butane is lighter fluid.
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
A mums joke.... Psyc! Two dad jokes! ... Psyc!... I'm not a dad but can I stay...
Dad: “Of course I’ve heard of cows! Look! They’re all over the damn place!”
Nvm I don't think it would quack you up.
Then someone corrected her grammar and gave her a sash and a tiara.
...what a little Noah doll.
Prevent irregular vowel movement.
But it turns out there were no grounds.
I stand corrected
Exact Lee.
When he was put to death, his captors ground him up and baked him in the oven covered in gravy and mashed potatoes.
When questioned as to why such a cruel and unusual punishment was administered, they stated that this was the only way to correctly execute a shepherd spy.
The correct answer was blood vessels.
But I stand corrected.
It was a textbook case.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar....
The bartender asks the rabbit, "What'll you have?"
The rabbit says, "I don't know, I'm only here because of auto correct."
Aye, you thought it was an arrR but it tis the C
Edit: my son corrected me
but now I stand corrected.
His funeral is next monkey.
But it's more correct to say that it borders on Chile.
Ducks don’t get up. They get down.
He said he was sad because he used to hate avocados and she used to have many trees. The farm was sold and now they're all gone to make room for condos.
I corrected: avocondos
It's still fowl language.
His funfair is on Sundial at moon.
Eric Morecombe: "Who's that lady I seen you with last night?"
Ernie Wise: "You mean 'I saw'"!
Eric Morecombe:" Sorry - Who's that eyesore I seen you with last night?"
You have to be able to C#.
He wanted to curry favor with the guards.
Apparently the correct terms are "cremation" and "burial"
..but Benjamin Franklin was a great American President.
..said the man wearing orthopaedic shoes.
Now I stand corrected.
It said "Parking fine". So that was nice.
But I stand corrected.
Said the man in his new orthopedic shoes
