A new father goes to a club that helps adjust to fatherhood

Receptionist: Hello and welcome to the NDA, or New Dad Association, how may I help you today?

Dad: Can I tell other people about this?

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/dylans2090
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 16 2021
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My neighbour was a selling a speaker system for just $1. When I asked him why it was so cheap he told me that you cant adjust the sound, the volume is stuck at the loudest setting.

I said "Wow, I cant turn that down"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KingSulley
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 02 2020
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If you adjust your posture...

....do you stand corrected?

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thiswonisloaded
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 20 2016
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Initially I didn’t believe that my chiropractor was any good.

But now I stand corrected.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 28 2021
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Not sure if OP was going for a pun
πŸ‘οΈŽ 1k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thamara-k
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 28 2021
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Thought I heard someone say β€œHello” in Arabic

But it was a false Salaam.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Plumsby
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 16 2020
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There's not just leap years. A leap second is a one-second adjustment that is occasionally applied to Coordinated Universal Time (UTC)! Without it, GPS wouldn't work! Want me to really blow your mind?

There's also leap-frogs.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 26 2020
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Finally adjusted my clocks for dalylight savings

No time like the present!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 5
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/completelyagreeable
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 21 2020
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Bob Dylan came to my house the day after Daylight Savings and adjusted all of my clocks.

He said the times they were a-changin’.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Bjlind718
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 09 2020
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Tinder is finally adjusting to the quarantine.

They've started offering curbside pickup.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/wasprobot
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 22 2020
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What do you call a chiropractor’s kid?

Well adjusted

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 22 2021
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My friend tried to get me to join his MLM scheme of selling devices for establishing a horizontal line by means of a bubble in a liquid that shows adjustment to the horizontal by movement to the center of a glass tube...

It'd make cents off so many levels.

/edit:rephrased punchline

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 29 2020
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I didn't always want to be a contortionist,

but when I adjusted the bunny ears, it became clear.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 2
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/greedydita
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 28 2021
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I recently adjusted the angle of the mirror in my bathroom

It has given me a new perspective

πŸ‘οΈŽ 23
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/martb03
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 21 2019
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My Calculus Professor is having a tough time adjusting to retired life.

He can’t seem to deal with the aftermath.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 90
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 22 2018
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Why do pirates live the alphabet?

Because they spend years at C

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ChrisTheEnchanted
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 22 2020
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1.99, but 6.99 when adjusted for inflation.
πŸ‘οΈŽ 64
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/A_Plus_Memes
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 04 2017
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If you’re trying to get your point across about something, try adjusting the decibel level of your voice up and down while talking.

It will speak volumes to people.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 17 2019
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Studies show regular patients of chiropractors are less likely to need to see therapists due to being so well adjusted
πŸ‘οΈŽ 155
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ace_dreacon
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 02 2016
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I got a new adjustable standing desk

It’s brought my gaming to new heights

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/traun
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 15 2018
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Which reindeer needs an attitude adjustment?

RUDEolf

πŸ‘οΈŽ 12
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Squeezer999
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 04 2018
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My wife can't function unless she visits the chiropractor...

I'm afraid she is addicted to crack.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 32
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/FluffyBearHugs
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jul 18 2020
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What does Nostradamus do when he has a vision of a happy, well-adjusted gentleman living far in the future?

Foresees a jolly good fellow.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/VoyagerCSL
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 14 2019
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As we were pulling out of our driveway and I was adjusting the mirrors, I said to my wife, "It's important to remember, there's side view, rear view and you know what else?"

"I loview!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 11
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 12 2018
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I've had a chiropractor phobia extending from a childhood trauma. Wife finally convinced me to get my back checked out and treated. Wife afterwards: See, that wasn't too bad

Me: it was an adjustment

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Sparxican
πŸ“…οΈŽ Dec 17 2020
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Saw my wife adjusting the top soil while gardening.

Me: This looks like a great detective novel.

Her: What?

You: You know. The plot thickens.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 10 2018
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Due to covid my chiropractor sent most of his staff home.

His office is run by a skeleton crew.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ASPYDERMONKEE
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 12 2020
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Co-worker was talking about getting her atlas adjusted at the chiropractor

I told her that when my atlas hurts, I just shrug it off.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 21
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/gabeanzelini
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jun 18 2015
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Football legend Gary Lineker must be a dad
πŸ‘οΈŽ 4k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/treapor
πŸ“…οΈŽ Oct 28 2013
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My first-time pregnant wife asks "why does it take so long for me to warm up?"

Without missing a beat I responded, "because you're heating for two now."

I then proceeded to laugh at my own joke. I feel like I'm prepared for my future as a dad.

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheBoBReaper
πŸ“…οΈŽ Jan 08 2019
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God creating dads

[God Creating Dads] God: Ah, yes I think I’m done. Dads:Hi Done, we’re Dads! God: Dads: God: Creates adjustable thermostat

πŸ‘οΈŽ 9
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/endercrusadr
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 24 2019
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I used to be in a band called 1023mb

we couldn't make it to a gig anywhere

*edit * slightly adjusting wording thanks to input from fellow dads <3

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 26 2017
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These fish puns will make you drown in laughter

What are fish that star in movies called?

Starfish

How do you tuna fish?

Adjust their scales

What do you tell a fish when its overreacting?

You need to clam down

That's enough fish puns for today

We should scale back

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TstoDmk615
πŸ“…οΈŽ Nov 21 2018
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What do you give a sulky teenager that didn't go North enough?

A latitude adjustment.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/nothingman_000
πŸ“…οΈŽ Aug 23 2019
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Hiring a clown is more expensive than ever.

Balloon prices are adjusted for inflation.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 13
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/89iroc
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 06 2019
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It's cold in the office

Let me adjust my thermos tat..

πŸ‘οΈŽ 18
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/zombie-narwhals
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 06 2018
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24 Feb 2017, Revised Rules and meta-state of /r/puns

Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking.

I've been very busy with personal stuff for the past few weeks, so I've let this subreddit drift unattended. Reading some of the reports and comments after coming back makes me realize that my absence led to some unwanted events happening!


Let's start with the fun stuff: We now have a new fancy rulebook! If you suspect a post of breaking these rules, feel free to report it in the relevant category, or use (8) other if you suspect it to slip through the cracks of one of the other rules.

Secondly, as of right now, we do not have an explicit rule forbidding inflammatory subjects like race, politics, etc, as the rest of reddit seems to be melting down, but so far we remain unscathed. I wish to let you all crack puns like adults without having to put on training wheels, but if any of the above subjects become a problem then I will swiftly revisit this. Consider this a privilege, not a right, and do try to avoid abusing it! Piggybacking off this, any post that is more 'lewd' than PG should be NSFW tagged. If it is inappropriate for an office setting, I will manually NSFW it, and repeat offenders will have consequences.

Third, you can now request puns! start a self post with [request] and put in whatever information is necessary, such as "[request] puns about clocks".


I'll keep this post stickied for about a week or so, to keep it as a nice feedback net, and we can adjust rules, add/delete/modify them as needed, to keep our subreddit of lovely puns in peak condition!

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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/KetoSaiba
πŸ“…οΈŽ Feb 24 2017
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I'm known for my dad jokes and in my first day of junior year in high school, I got my friend good.

Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)

Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."

Grunts and cringes ensued

πŸ‘οΈŽ 30
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/ImRedditingOnMyPhonr
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 05 2014
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Happened last night while watching Den of Thieves with my dad.

Dad: Is that 50 cents?

Me: Yes dad that is 50 cent.

Dad: After this bank robbery he's gonna have to adjust his name for inflation...

πŸ‘οΈŽ 10
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DConner777
πŸ“…οΈŽ May 12 2018
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An older man took his wife to the hospital, fearing a heart attack

The man waits for a while and the doctor comes out to tell his findings. The doctor says, "Your wife did not have a heart attack. She just has acute angina."

Adjusting his hearing aid, the husband says, "Listen here young man, don't go talking about my wife's privates like that! I know she's cute down there!"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 3
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 29 2018
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My dad made me feel mature for like, 8 seconds...

He said: "Son now that you're older, I feel like I could use your opinion on some of my business decisions. Can I ask?"

Obviously I nodded yes.

Dad: "Well, 2 days ago I bought a couple balloons for 3 cents a piece. How much should I sell them for after adjusting for inflation?"

πŸ‘οΈŽ 44
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/TheCats_Bananas
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 22 2017
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Just took a long flight. The pilot was rude and sarcastic the entire time.

He really needed an attitude adjustment.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 4
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/captainlavender
πŸ“…οΈŽ Sep 18 2016
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Dad Joke a Guy at Work

I helped out a manager at another area of my work place, bringing a leveler to adjust a table. After I finished, I was walking back to my work area when I noticed a guy who works there had his dinner out in a sealed Tupperware.

This guy has been on a food diet for some months. I walk up to him, place the level atop of his Tupperware. When the bubble rests in between the lines, I tell him "Looks like you're maintaining a well-balanced diet." He shook his head at me and I continued on my way.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 25
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/DD225
πŸ“…οΈŽ Apr 06 2015
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Finally adjusted my clocks to daylight savings

No time like the present!

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/completelyagreeable
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 21 2020
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I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.

I stand corrected.

πŸ‘οΈŽ 7k
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πŸ‘€οΈŽ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…οΈŽ Mar 17 2018
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