How do you align a toilet?

Keep it flush with the wall.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/bballkj7
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 17 2021
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Every once in awhile the stars align...

I'm at my buddy's parent's house last night for his little birthday shindig with some friends. His mom is there and, while she's super sweet, she tends to find compliments for everything even if they're not needed.

His mom gets to talking to one of our friends about how the friend works at a bookstore downtown which happens to be a two storey building.

Friend's mom: "Oh, you work at Barnes and Noble? It must be nice to work there. It's such a building. It's so nice that it has two storeys."

Me: "I'm pretty sure there's a lot more than two stories in there..."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/kr580
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 04 2015
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If I swallow a magnet...

...I become actractive?

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/storm_mc-b
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 20 2021
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Why did Times New Roman not finish his essay?

He couldnโ€™t right align

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/simszter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
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Where do killer whales go to get their teeth aligned?

The orcadontist

๐Ÿ‘︎ 30
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/tsengpaii
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
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I thought the Royal Family werenโ€™t supposed to have political alignments

... but the news tells me that the Duchess of Cambridge is in Labour.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/alxhix
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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My Dad Goes To The Dentist

When he gets there, the Dentist asks, "Are you here for your teeth appointment?"

"No," Dad replies. "I'm here for my teeth alignment. Why would I need pointy teeth?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 33
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/LavaWolf800
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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The universe aligned and offered this Fine shot.

Sorry for the image. It is necessary.

http://imgur.com/t0kfUdj

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/sal6a
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 15 2016
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First day of summer... The stars aligned for this one!

Girlfriend: We should go to a 5 Seconds To Summer concert! [one of her favorite bands]

Me: We're too late. That would've been at 11:55:55 PM last night.

Girlfriend: ... oooOOOHHH because today is the first day of summer on the calendar!

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/IBlameTheMormons
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 21 2016
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Why did the paladin have to visit the tire shop after killing an innocent bystander?

Because he was out of alignment.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Konamicoder
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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Squirrelly

I got thrown out of a local park for aligning squirrels in order of height. They didn't like me critter sizing.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/MilPens
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2020
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Every car looks cooler with chrome rims
๐Ÿ‘︎ 68
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Vydor
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 24 2017
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Gf texts me asking if I am near my computer

Me: yeah

Gf: can you look up stuff for me?

wait 10 minutes

me: when can I stop staring at the ceiling?

Gf: I don't know why we are still together

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/danmay
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 24 2014
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I don't know why everyone is freaking out about the new Iron Man

The character has always been a Fe Male

๐Ÿ‘︎ 94
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/confibulator
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 08 2016
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Theater

When I was 12 I broke my arm and the doctor needed to put me under to re-align it. After the nurse explained the procedure she asked if we had any questions before she took me into the theater; Dad had one. "What movie's playing?"

๐Ÿ‘︎ 13
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/meatbricks
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 06 2013
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An old favorite

King Broderick was in trouble. He wasn't a very good king, and his brother Argyle was gathering forces to depose him and take the crown. In desperation, he captured Count Petrie, a very popular man who was one of his brother's cronies, and tortured him to learn his brother's location.

But the count wouldn't divulge the information, so the King scheduled a public execution. The crowds gathered, including the King's brother, who was there in disguise. The Count was forced to kneel, with his head on the chopping block. The headsman stood nearby, holding his axe at the ready. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, you are here before me because you have aligned yourself with my brother. If you tell me where he is, I will allow you to live out your days in my dungeon. Remain silent, and you will die." The Count remained silent. King Broderick motioned to the headsman, who slowly raised his axe and swung it down...THUNK...into the wood next to the Count's head. The Count stared at the axe, visibly shaking. King Broderick loudly proclaimed "Count, that was a warning, and there will not be another. Tell me where my brother is and you will live. Remain silent, and you will die!" The Count stayed silent. King Broderick again motioned to the headsman, who raised the axe. As the headsman began the downswing, the Count cried out "Wait!!" but...THUNK...it was too late, and the Count's head fell to the ground.

At the Count's death, the King's brother leapt up and revealed himself to the crowd. Cheering Argyle, they crowded forward and overran the King's guards. Soon, it was Broderick's head on the chopping block. Argyle, the new King, waved back the headsman, knelt beside his brother and whispered into his ear "Silly brother, don't hatchet your Counts before they've chickened."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nyarlathotep4King
๐Ÿ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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Regarding the diets of dairy cows.

I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"

That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.

You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.

As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.

I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.

So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.

However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.

What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/estomasi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit โžก

๐Ÿ‘︎ 4
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Entophreak
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Fred Flintstone was driving to work one day...

...and accidentally hit a curb going around a corner. Since then, any time he loosens his grip on the steering wheel, his car drifts to the right. Knowing he needed to have it serviced anyway, Fred goes to the local dealership to figure out what's going on. At the service desk, Fred talks to the manager about how his steering wheel is acting funny.

Service manager: "Oh, that's pretty common. You just need an alignment."

Puzzled, Fred asks, "What's wrong with it that an alignment can fix?"

Ushering Fred over to his car, the service manager answers, "It's pretty obvious, actually. If you look right there, your front driver-side wheel has too much toe."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Faerco
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 20 2016
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