When my wife found me playing with my sonβs train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 13k
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︎ Jan 17 2021
My son kept chewing on all the electrical chords we had set up for the holidays, so I grounded him...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
π︎ 114
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︎ Jan 15 2021
The recipe said, βset the oven to 180 degreesβ......
but now i canβt open the door because it faces the wall.
π︎ 48
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︎ Jan 20 2021
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
π︎ 658
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︎ Nov 22 2020
My record collection includes Bruce Springsteen, John Cougar Mellencamp, and Tom Petty. Itβs almost a full Heartland Rock set...
π︎ 13
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Heard your dad is a diabetic DJ that drinks cans of sprite during his sets...
The crowds always chanting βback one again for the lemonade masterβ
π︎ 6
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︎ Jan 23 2021
So Iβm at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still donβt know because he hasnβt opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
βDad, I knew that story wasnβt real because you donβt have any friendsβ
π»π»ππβ οΈβ οΈ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 10 2021
If Batman was set in Edinburghβ¦
It wouldn't be known as "Waynescotting", wood it?
π︎ 2
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︎ Jan 26 2021
I used to be a flat earther. I even set out to sail across the ocean to find the big ice wall.
But eventually I came around.
π︎ 10
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︎ Jan 15 2021
Credit to u/the_richard_cranium. In a sub called r/nononono where things that had the potential to go wrong do, a woman struggles to put out a match. She sets it on the table, defeated failing to do so, but she forgot to put it out before doing so.
Confused, another redditor asked βWhat kind of match was that?β Cranium replied βNo match for her apparentlyβ
π︎ 3
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︎ Jan 18 2021
Mom told son to clean his room. But instead, he set it on fire...
π︎ 5
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︎ Dec 24 2020
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
π︎ 39
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︎ Nov 18 2020
My wife said the βEβ was missing from my sons alphabet set.
I replied, βNo way that is in the top 5 most voweluable letters!β
π︎ 11
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︎ Dec 06 2020
What do you call a handyman's skill set?
π︎ 10
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︎ Nov 25 2020
My 6 year old daughter set up a party and led me to the registration sheet. It said "Sine here". Now I am wondering if there is another sheet that says "Cosine there".
Sorry for going on a tangent
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I'm in big trouble, you guys. I bought a set of fake pushpins and put them by the bulletin board in the IRS break room.
Now I'm wanted for tacks fraud.
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 09 2020
The Titanic II is a modern-day replica of the RMS Titanic and is scheduled to set sail in 2022. It's creators do not believe it will relive the tragedy of it's predecessor because
that was an ice-olated incident.
π︎ 3
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︎ Nov 05 2020
Why was the writer kicked off of the movie set?
π︎ 14
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︎ Nov 15 2020
How do actors move around film sets?
π︎ 2
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︎ Dec 08 2020
The lift is from a company named Schindler...so itβs Schindlerβs Lift...is this set up as pun on the classic film Schindlerβs List? My head is spinning
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 11 2020
If all the elves were missing from my son's LOTR Lego set,
Would you call that a Lego-loss?
π︎ 16
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︎ Nov 11 2020
A man has been arrested in South Africa for shooting a giant chess set
Goddamn those big game hunters
π︎ 31
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︎ Oct 21 2020
At a garage sale yesterday I got a George Foreman grill and a Muhammed Ali DVD set...
π︎ 12
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︎ Nov 09 2020
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..
A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)
π︎ 387
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︎ Jun 22 2020
A sage once set himself on fire to cleanse the monastery of evil smells. [OC]
π︎ 34
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︎ Aug 23 2020
A police officer, notorious for bad spelling, is set to interrogate three theives, Tim, Bob, and Joe.
When asked who he thinks will give up the location stolen goods, he replys βOnly Time will tellβ
π︎ 15
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︎ Sep 21 2020
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA
Set to be called the Google Chromosome.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 13 2020
Two British monks set up a small snack stand at the parish fair.
They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was
the chip monk!
π︎ 51
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︎ Aug 02 2020
A very good set of food puns
π︎ 27
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︎ Aug 15 2020
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 11 2020
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
π︎ 30
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︎ Aug 13 2020
I'm trying out this new kitchen set with no egg beater
The says it's a 30 day whisk free trial
π︎ 13
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︎ Sep 20 2020
I sold a Chess set to my friend. He asked if all the pieces were there.
π︎ 29
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︎ Sep 08 2020
I would like a set of containers for my kitchen. I would like to store my baking soda, borax, milk of magnesia, drain cleaner, and ammonia. Most importantly, they need to have very secure lids.
I like to keep all my bases covered.
π︎ 5
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︎ Sep 28 2020
A pumpkin spiced latte joke should contain the set up, followed by the punchline and
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 26 2020
The set up sucks but I thought it was pretty smart
A man makes an outline of a duck and cuts it out. An egg falls right in the middle. Now he has an egg in stencil crisis
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 23 2020
As my impeccably dressed co-worker has aged, incontinence has set in.
He went from dapper Dan to diaper Dan.
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 07 2020
A drum set fell down the stairs
Ba dum dum dum dum dum ow
π︎ 3
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︎ Sep 19 2020
My 15 year old told me he set up an IRA account. I said βAre you kidding me?β
He said βNo, Iβm adulting you.β
π︎ 10
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︎ Sep 04 2020
Get set....
Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...
π︎ 12
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︎ Jul 23 2020
I thought I checkmated my dad with my new glass set in chess...
But he saw right through it
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 16 2020
What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills ?
π︎ 17
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︎ Nov 24 2020
The recipe said, βSet the oven to 180 degrees.β
Now I canβt open it, as the door faces the wall.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Apr 30 2020
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my sonβs train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Aug 05 2020
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