I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
A sage once set himself on fire to cleanse the monastery of evil smells. [OC]
πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ButterKnifeComics
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23
🚨︎ report
The recipe said, β€œSet the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open it, as the door faces the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30
🚨︎ report
A very good set of food puns
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aaravvashi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15
🚨︎ report
Could someone set me free from my misery on these two? reddit.com/gallery/i7oadx
πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johninfairview
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11
🚨︎ report
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed with halitosis (edited, thanks kind friends for the correction!)

πŸ‘︎ 391
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22
🚨︎ report
Two British monks set up a small snack stand at the parish fair.

They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was

the chip monk!

πŸ‘︎ 51
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/franksymptoms
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
As my impeccably dressed co-worker has aged, incontinence has set in.

He went from dapper Dan to diaper Dan.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
Winning a German sausage eating contest is all about your mind set

You hope for the best, but prepare for the wurst

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ali_whi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15
🚨︎ report
I bought a complete set of kitchen utensils off an infomercial. I was frustrated that there was nothing to mix my eggs...

...but to be fair, they did say it was whisk-free offer.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15
🚨︎ report
The set up sucks but I thought it was pretty smart

A man makes an outline of a duck and cuts it out. An egg falls right in the middle. Now he has an egg in stencil crisis

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nojuicing
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
What pillow set do the church organist and his wife have?

Hymn and Hers.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yyzable
πŸ“…︎ Aug 19
🚨︎ report
Get set....

Karl Marx is a historically famous philosopher, but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, the inventor of the starting pistol...

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hokka4
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23
🚨︎ report
My friend made a joke about wanting to steal my weight set.

I told him it was not something to take lightly.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stepoo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
Today, my pastor started talking to the drum set during his sermon.

Boy did I appreciate the cymbal-ism...

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/midas_1988
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02
🚨︎ report
The knights of the round table all had a unique set of skills

Do you think Sir Lancelot was good at jousting? Or just really liked it.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itwasme
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16
🚨︎ report
I had my cornfield all set up to sell in 2 acre units when my realtor suddenly brought me plans for acre units.

He was plotting against me!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12
🚨︎ report
I just read in the newspaper: "Painting stolen from art museum found by a set of dustbins."

Those dustbins must be very intelligent.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17
🚨︎ report
I set the bar pretty low…

Because I like to do the limbo

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/guzhogi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
I sold my friend a chess set and then he asked me if all the pieces were with it.

I told him to checkmate.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FightBackFitness
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05
🚨︎ report
It wasn't a difficult decision for Milton to set the office building on fire.

It was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScreaminTom
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14
🚨︎ report
Right before i was set to speak at my high school graduation ceremony, they suprised me and gave me the β€œmost illiterate kid in school” award...

I was so upset that I couldn’t even read my speech

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/husbus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
🚨︎ report
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes???

It doesn’t make any scents

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TACKYTUESDAY
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
My friend's bakery got set on fire the other day

The business is toast

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/politicalmonster1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09
🚨︎ report
The tide ebbed as the moon set in the west...

I made a mental note to pick up more detergent next time I'm in town.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
"ArchAle" is a new micro-brewing company that I've set-up to raise money for the mentally disabled.

I named it after my dyslexic girlfriend, Rachael.

(She says that she's not technically "disabled," but I've seen her handwriting.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26
🚨︎ report
Couldn’t ask for a better set up
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Irv-Elephant
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
While giving birth to a set of twins, the mother losses consciousness.

The doctor called in the woman’s brother from the waiting room and asked if he would like to name the children. The brother agrees.

When the mother wakes up, the doctor informs her that her brother has named the children while she was unconscious. She said β€œOh no... my brother is an idiot. What did he name the kids?” The doctors replied β€œWell, the girl’s name is Denise!” β€œOh, that’s not so bad! And the boy?” β€œDenephew”

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TeepenTeepen
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12
🚨︎ report
TIL that during the making of Monty Python's Holy Grail, a crazed gunman got on set.

John Cleese and Graham Chapman were terrified for their lives, but it turned out the guy was just making Idle threats

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mecoptera2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13
🚨︎ report
Kids got me an Old-school Chemistry set for Father's Day...

... Totally in my Element.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?

He wasn't a flight risk.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Joesdad65
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
I bought my wife and I a set of bargain brand walkie talkies.

She didn't receive it very well

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RustyPineapple77
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02
🚨︎ report
This son of a bitch got me. Can't be mad though; I set him up and did even realize it.
πŸ‘︎ 53
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/toasty-toes
πŸ“…︎ May 11
🚨︎ report
What temperature do you set a toy oven?

Faux hundred degrees.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/emjay144
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04
🚨︎ report
I just bought a Monopoly set which has no instructions,

What are the chances?

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08
🚨︎ report
I recently purchased a set of wind chimes.

So far it’s a pretty sound investment.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superpie5
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21
🚨︎ report
My wife is teaching my little ones (3/1) about bugs so they wrote β€œAnt” in honey on a piece of paper to attract them and set it out on the deck. She was sad When we went out to check later that day, only one was there.

You should have pluralized it and more would have shown up!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/vtfb79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the man who invented a more efficient way to set up the high jump and pole vault?

He raised the bar.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/trimofdoom
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
My buddy just moved, so I got him a set of radiators.

It's a house-warming present.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01
🚨︎ report
All my neighbours bought the same set of stereos

When will they stop stereotyping

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hmmmmmmble_trauma
πŸ“…︎ May 16
🚨︎ report
A comedian would do a set, each show, where he sprinted to either side of the stage with his mouth tied up.

It was a running gag.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Peteman22
πŸ“…︎ May 26
🚨︎ report
I just set an elevator on fire

It just went up in flames

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bbbBagger
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03
🚨︎ report
I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went after it set.

finally it dawned on me.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thetallestwizard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report
The worst place to buy a chess set you ask?

The pawn shop

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CliffordTheDragon
πŸ“…︎ May 01
🚨︎ report
I love to set things on fire. So does my wife. So does our kid.

The first time he set a building on fire, I turned to my wife and said, "yep, that's arson."

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve been donating a lot of dining room sets to people in need lately.

I guess I’m just feeling very chairtable.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
A brain and a set of jumper cables walk into a bar...

Brain: β€œI’d like a pint for my friend and I”

Bartender: β€œSorry, sir I can’t serve you”

Brain: β€œWhy not?!”

Bartender: β€œWell, you look like you’re out of your head, and your friend looks like he wants to start something!”

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mnhill2088
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?

Ba-dump-tss

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Euclase777
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
I thought I would tell a joke about this new set of drills I got.

I’m sure it would just bore you though.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 19
🚨︎ report
I don’t know why I couldn’t convince my wife she would like the set of knives I made her for Mother’s Day.

I made several good points.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 10
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SamuraiSAM5
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I knew this girl who wanted bigger boobs, but couldn't afford proper implants, so she had her uncle make her a false set out of pine.Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though,

Would be great if I had a punchline to go with that though, wooden tit?

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMBiSH
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26
🚨︎ report
"Ho, ho, ho," the jolly bastard mused, unaware I'd been slinking in the shadows for days, ready to unleash my revenge. I'd memorized his patterns, followed his every move, and had set the perfect trap. Down the chimney, ensnared by my noose, and left hanging above the fireplace; I got what I wanted.

A Christmas stalking.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
A jewellery set for a gift 'sounds' great

It's got a nice ring to it

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IceMerg
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
Why did the EMTs travel in sets of two?

Because they wanted to be pair-of-medics

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lunarhane
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
Why did the woman set her bra in front of a mouse hole?

She was setting a booby trap.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wutisthis66204
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19
🚨︎ report
I set the comp password to β€˜Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated...

I set the comp password to β€˜Homework1st’ my daughter was getting frustrated that every time she asked what I changed it to, I answered. She did every piece of work, including corrections. Then I wrote it down.

πŸ‘︎ 55
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28
🚨︎ report
Turns out that the coronavirus is set to cost the world 2.5% of the global GDP if it continues at the rate it's going.

It's very influenzial on the worldwide market.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrFillywonk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: Wow! Didn't expect this big reaction! Thanks for the silver! Edit 2: And gold!? Thanks again! :)

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/auroraborora
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
🚨︎ report
there's literally three sets of twins in my math class.

guess this year is gonna be their year- its twinny twinny after all.

*twinny twinny sounds like twenty twenty (2020)*

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/downtothechateau
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Nice Son-set
πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/homodemen
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
🚨︎ report
I want to drink my coffee, smoke my cigarette, browse reddit on my phone all at the same time but I only have 2 hands. I wish I had another set of hands for this.

I think that would be pretty handy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ShaggyB
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
A police officer says to a couple: "I'm sorry to tell you this, but your son set the school on fire".

They ask "Was it arson?", and the officer answers "Yes, your son".

Edit: holy shrimp! I got silver! Thanks for the reception!

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pvtsoab
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you set up a space party?

You planet!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rj17141
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report
Sculptures set unrealistic body images

They're always so chiseled

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mohawk1712
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26
🚨︎ report
Bananas produce enough radiation to set off sensitive geiger counters.

That would mean a banana tree is a nuclear plant.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheFailureKing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08
🚨︎ report
What do you call a pirate that sets a house on fire

An Arrrrrrrrrsonist

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/animatedbutler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
Set your WiFi password to 24446666688888888

...so when someone asks what your password is, just tell them it’s: 12345678.

Edit: I meant 12345688...

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-NealCaffrey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Part of my alphabetised tea set recently got possessed by a demon.

I’m sure it’s saucer β€˜E’.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife just gave birth to a set of identical twins. She named the first one Pete.

I named the second one Repeat.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hasitcometothis4
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Tree: Hey, Boulder, what do you think I should be when I grow up? Boulder: You would make a wonderful bedroom furniture set.

Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/baconaboot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20
🚨︎ report
There are two types of people, those that can extrapolate from an incomplete data set
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sykadelik_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Wanted to share a funny Dad joke my wife perfectly set up for me, today.

My wife and I were visiting Bass Pro Shop today and I noticed there were some ducks in the pond outside of the building. I pointed them out to my wife who, upon noticing them bobbing up and down in the water, asked me what they were doing. Without missing a beat I replied "They're Ducking."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Uglarinn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19
🚨︎ report
A king sat on his throne in his beautiful kingdom. Before him were three glasses set on a table. The first two are filled with water, but the third one is empty. What is the name of the king?

Phillip the 3rd

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/some-tortel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
What do you call a woman who sets fire to her credit card?

Bernadette

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CD9653
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
So if I set up touch ID on my phone for the same finger on both hands

Does it make it ambitextrous?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aesterian
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20
🚨︎ report
My daughter wanted a bouncy castle for her birthday. The guy said the rental was $50, and the set-up fee was $1000 dollars.

I said, β€œThat’s outrageous!”

He just shrugged and said, β€œThat’s inflation for you.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hatlesshobo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him, A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

πŸ‘︎ 253
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23
🚨︎ report
The recipe said, β€œSet the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open the oven, as the door faces the wall.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Mahatma Ghandi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an incredible set of callouses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail. Plus, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.

This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

Edit: I do now realize I misspelled Gandhi. I cannot edit the title, just know that I see it and am sorry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrunkRedditBot
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set, so I threw the bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
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The recipe said, β€œSet the oven to 180 degrees.”

Now I can’t open the oven, as the door faces the wall.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quint_Cordewener
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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