I said "Go on then!!"
Now I'm doing 12 years for a crime I didn't commit.
It cost him an arm and a leg...
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly...
When he did, I told him oxidants do happen!
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Sorry for going on a tangent
They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was
the chip monk!
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
A man makes an outline of a duck and cuts it out. An egg falls right in the middle. Now he has an egg in stencil crisis
He said “No, I’m adulting you.”
Cost about $4.50
She said, “Let’s sleep on it.”
finally it dawned on me.
He was plotting against me!
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
He raised the bar.
It was a running gag.
My wife and I were visiting Bass Pro Shop today and I noticed there were some ducks in the pond outside of the building. I pointed them out to my wife who, upon noticing them bobbing up and down in the water, asked me what they were doing. Without missing a beat I replied "They're Ducking."
Tree: Yes. Yes I wood. Thanks Boulder, you rock.
Does it make it ambitextrous?
That was when I realized he was her favorite twin, not me.
that's your business.
She's my check mate.
He told me, "Heads up, she's expecting a baby". Well let me tell you, I felt stupid sitting there in the bar wearing just a diaper.
He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.
"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!
I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.
"To be honest, it was off the top of my head."
They said it was illegal to give alcohol to miners
It doesn't work all the time though, I just can't put my finger on it.
It was intense, just like how we were camping.
Tonight we're gonna' party like it's VLAN 99.
Me: How did you do on the muscles and bones test?
Son: I mixed up the cranium and the skull.
Me: That was a boneheaded mistake.
Son: (Sarcastic) Ha ha.
I guess he didn't find my joke humerus.
I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked
We were both pretty tired since we woke up at 3AM. When we get to our seats, I pulled out my e-reader. My wife looks at me and says "How can you read?"
"Well, I guess I would have to thank my parents for teaching me when I was a kid..."
Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there.
This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident.
"No," I said, "I didn't want them to expire."
Last night while we were out running errands, we drove by this place that had a bunch of little storage sheds on display outside. Right next to this business was a karate school.
My wife says, "Why would the karate school have all of those sheds in front of it?"
I respond, "Honey, those sheds are square. If they belonged to the karate school, they would be round-houses."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
I guess oxidants do happen!
