And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
Sorry for going on a tangent
A man makes an outline of a duck and cuts it out. An egg falls right in the middle. Now he has an egg in stencil crisis
She said, “Let’s sleep on it.”
finally it dawned on me.
that's your business.
I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.
Yesterday while cleaning the kitchen and throwing out old stuff from the freezer, I put a set of coupons for Harvey's restaurant in there.
This morning I got up and they were on top of the fridge. I asked my wife if she'd removed them and she said she thought they fell in there by accident.
"No," I said, "I didn't want them to expire."
I can't stand it anymore.
I'm sitting here on the couch watching him run back and forth across the room while he makes race car noises. After a few minutes, I ask him what he's doing.
He replies, "I'm passing stool!"
...What have I created?
We were at an antique tractor show at a farm museum (Yes, we live in Maine) and my wife looks over at a table with 2 woman judging the tractor pull.
"That woman in the pink shirt works at the Walmart pharmacy."
So I follow up with
"Well, I guess she has a thing for FARMS."
Wife gave me a look of "Well yeah..." followed by disgust once she realized I meant Farms and Pharms.
...."I think your refrigerator is broken. This ice is coming out melted!"
Yesterday, we had a birthday for my daughter. Her cupcakes had her nickname (Mae, like mine) on three, a letter per cupcake. She ate the A.
Around 10ish this morning I realized only M and E were left. So I knew exactly what I wanted to do..
When my son came home from school, he asked what after school snack was.
Me "I was gonna say cupcakes, but they have my name on them"
Him "...M and E?"
Me "uh, yeah. That's ME."
So we were having dinner with some family friends of ours when our friends wide started talking about an award she won a few years back. Her husband: "Did they give you any proof"
Her: "Yea I have a plaque!"
Her husband: "Well maybe you should brush your teeth more!"
Cue collective half groan half laughs.
When the family is at a restaurant and the waiter/waitress comes up to us, introduces themselves, and then asks:
"Now before I take your orders, does anyone at the table have any food allergies?"
My Dad goes: "Just Cats!"
