They divided the duties equally: one was the fish friar, and the other was
the chip monk!
Cost about $4.50
A man makes an outline of a duck and cuts it out. An egg falls right in the middle. Now he has an egg in stencil crisis
He raised the bar.
finally it dawned on me.
It was a running gag.
I said, “That’s outrageous!”
He just shrugged and said, “That’s inflation for you.”
Does it make it ambitextrous?
She's my check mate.
"To be honest, it was off the top of my head."
I still think about it sometimes - the WAN that got away.
They said it was illegal to give alcohol to miners
It was intense, just like how we were camping.
Someone yelled back from the other side of camp. “YO SEND ME TEA.!”
Me: How did you do on the muscles and bones test?
Son: I mixed up the cranium and the skull.
Me: That was a boneheaded mistake.
Son: (Sarcastic) Ha ha.
I guess he didn't find my joke humerus.
I love my boss... every few months, my boss and i find ourselves in the break room with a couple other people. He will take a sip of his freshly-poured coffee and loudly say, "ugh, this coffee tastes like MUD" ... and then he looks at me expectantly ... and I dutifully reply "that's because it was just GROUND this morning." The other people within earshot hate us when they realize they have been tag-team dad-joked
We were both pretty tired since we woke up at 3AM. When we get to our seats, I pulled out my e-reader. My wife looks at me and says "How can you read?"
"Well, I guess I would have to thank my parents for teaching me when I was a kid..."
It was his Frodo-Booth.
He told us his little son (1 year old) had a great big poo in his toybox and there's shit all over the abacus.
"Bet you didn't count on that!" said I, proudly!
'e bowl-a!
I'm sitting here on the couch watching him run back and forth across the room while he makes race car noises. After a few minutes, I ask him what he's doing.
He replies, "I'm passing stool!"
...What have I created?
Some of my family was watching the Bachelorette the other night and they were introducing some of the contestants and what their jobs are. One of the contestants was an erectile dysfunction specialist.
"Well that doesn't sound like a very hard job"
I cracked up at myself.
...."I think your refrigerator is broken. This ice is coming out melted!"
Me: banging an ice cube tray on the kitchen counter to get the ice out
Dad: Who's making all that racket?
Me: Me, I'm trying to break the ice
Dad: Why, is nobody talking to you? Ahahaaaaaaa.
Dad goes back to eBay
I was busy cooking us pancakes for breakfast when she came out with this one:
Her: Dad you're a pancake.
Me: Huh? I'm not a pancake.
Her: Hi Not-a-pancake, I'm Silvia.
Me: proud tears of joy
Yesterday, we had a birthday for my daughter. Her cupcakes had her nickname (Mae, like mine) on three, a letter per cupcake. She ate the A.
Around 10ish this morning I realized only M and E were left. So I knew exactly what I wanted to do..
When my son came home from school, he asked what after school snack was.
Me "I was gonna say cupcakes, but they have my name on them"
Him "...M and E?"
Me "uh, yeah. That's ME."
Down on his farm, Old MacDonald was hosting his annual talent contest amongst his animals and announced that, this year, the theme was Shakespeare.
All of his livestock had been busily and excitedly rehearsing because they knew that 1st prize was to be a gigantic gazebo festooned with flashing electric lights, a glitter ball, a speaker system and turntables.
Competition was fierce; the chickens performed Othello, the horse chose Hamlet, the sheep Romeo and Juliet and the cow performed Richard III.
After much deliberation, the farmer and his wife ordered a hushed silence and announced: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."
I was tired and lying in bed, trying to get some motivation to go to the gym when I thought of a great idea to dadjoke the girlfriend
"Hey babe, can you blow on me?"
"Huh? What?"
"Yeah, just blow on me. Twice please."
She gives me a wtf is going look, but humors me anyway and blows some air on my palm
"One more time please"
Suspiciously blows on my palm again
"...Damn, thought that would have worked. Still waiting to catch my 2nd wind!"
Daughter: Maid Marian is pretty for a cartoon.
Me: yeah, she's a fox!
http://images.wikia.com/disney/images/b/bc/Maid-Marian-disney-animal-heroines-12876193-720-480.jpg
