What's the difference between a tombola and an instagramer's pose?

One's a lucky dip and the other is a ducky lip

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stokokopops
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01
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Tea Pose
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrNipTwister
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
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When doing my son salutation, I call this variation on child's pose, "Downward Dad" imgur.com/hOpdbkb
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoBeefy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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What's a unvaccinated child's favourite skating pose?

Coffin

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuyguy12
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
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I was attacked by a pose of clowns a

I went for the juggler.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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The wife tells her husband: β€œI think we should try this new sex poseβ€œ

Husband: β€œI have a better fucking idea.β€œ

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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Silly flower puns?

My friend needs an insta caption for a pic where she's posing with flowers. Any suggestions?

basic. yeah. i know.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 07
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What was Jesus’ favorite exercise routine?

Crossfit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiseoldmeme
πŸ“…︎ May 20
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Why did Shakespeare only write in ink ?

Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ May 03
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Imagine you're posing for the camera right now

Suppose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/musician_RK
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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Fantastic pun, Al
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clapton_Coil
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2019
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Why should you never touch an electric fence

Because it hertz.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
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What did the fat globule do when a paparazzi was taking photos of it?

It adi-posed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SentientPotato42
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2019
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A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"

Nothing

Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"

Doesn't crack a smile

Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"

Clown starts to get nervous

Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"

Blank look

Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"

Yawn

Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"

Annoyed

Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"

grasping at straws

Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"

He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Di

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scoob1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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Got banned from /r/pcmasterrace for heilping others out

My bad sense of humour got me banned from /r/pcmastterace.

I was discussing distance from monitors with another user and they replied with "just touching the monitor when I do a hitler pose." I got banned after I said I was happy to have heilped in any way that I canpf.

I should have guessed that pcmasterrace mods were very sensitive to any racist references, but I did nazi the ban coming.

https://www.reddit.com/r/pcmasterrace/comments/79853x/50_more_for_a_1440p_monitor/dp03xd6/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/navindian
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2017
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A whimsical tale...

There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:

Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?

Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, β€œSire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.

After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.

One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.

β€œFather,” said Emily, β€œhave you made the riddle too h

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Diezlk9
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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Dad had to mess with one of my Sister's props for her engagement photos.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KillerPenguinz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2013
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Frozen sculptures are okay.

Icy pose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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My dad at a restaurant. He's done this ever since I can remember.

If I go out to eat with my dad and we have any leftovers, I know every time what's going to happen.

Waiter/Waitress: "You want a box for that?" (Sounds like "You wanna box for that?")

Dad: Raises fists into traditional boxing pose "I think I can take you."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nraws
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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The defendant formed a shape of an X in front of the plaintiff.

The plaintiff got X-posed

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Byumbyum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
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My daughter and I can no longer take pictures with our phones for comedy reasons

Not a joke. A true story. My daughter asked me to take a photo of her because her hair was "on point". So I held the phone up and took half a dozen pictures as she posed.

Hilariously I had the camera pointing at me so she got my face looking serious. We laughed, started again, took some more pictures and obviously I did exactly the same thing. Comedy gold.

Of course now both of us are doing it every time we take a picture of anything with our phones. It's a downward spiral neither of us is prepared to break. I'm concerned I'm going to miss important moments in the lives of my as yet unborn grandchildren.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cistercianmonk
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
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Why did the judge deny the drunk pilot's request for bail?

Because he posed a significant flight risk!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xinareiaz
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2018
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100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • L
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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Two dancers are performing.

One is a always one post behind the other. The name of the act? Pre"pose"turous!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mtjacksn11
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2017
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Where is the Heart of Tefiti?

My 4yo son posed this question to his mother yesterday after watching Moana (again). Since he's 4, he slurs the 't' a bit.

I immediately without hesitation or remorse blurt out "In between the Toesies!"

My wife says she'll need therapy and a support group.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Capnris
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2017
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Why did the photographer like his hand model?

She had pose-able thumbs.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/demon1177
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2016
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Monkeys and dad jokes: an exquisite combination

In my biology class not too long ago, we covered a mini unit on invasive species. One of my classmates was giving a presentation on an invasive monkey species, explaining how it is very aggressive in nature and has been known to attack people and other animals in small groups. After hearing this, I couldn't help but raise my hand and pose the question: "So you could say these monkeys use guerrilla warfare?". Almost the entire class groaned simultaneously. It was glorious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kid-named-cudi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2016
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Making the best of senior prom

As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:

  1. Sober up enough before actually getting to the venue
  2. Find a date who wasn't even weirder than you were
  3. Rent a tuxedo This last part posed quite a bit of a problem to me, mostly because tuxedos can be very expensive to come by. Luckily enough for me, a local formalwear shop had a great deal going on; they would give you massive discounts and even hefty prizes for referring as many of your friends as possible to their business. Eager as I was to save a few bucks, I proceeded to text everyone in my phone's contact list. Almost every one of them neglected to respond to my pitiful pleas of financial assistance, not wanting to get caught up in this scam that I myself had meandered into. Finally, my token black friend, Malik, unwillingly took my
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinisculePeen
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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Dadjoked my girlfriend reading tumblr

My girlfriend was looking at tumblr and comes across an adorable picture of a pig smiling at the camera.

She shows me and says "look at this pig posing for a picture!"

I say, "yes, he's quite the ham"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zenis
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2014
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Got my dad while fishing today.

I went speckled trout fishing today with my dad and uncle and they were getting a little annoyed because I kept pulling in fish and they weren't even getting a bite. So my dad started making fun of the way I was standing because I was in the middle of the boat so I had one foot on the floor by the seats and one foot up on the deck, kind of like the captain Morgan pose. Dad: Why you keep standing like that? Me: Because it gives me a leg up on the fish. He just grinned and went back to not catching any fish.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crampedlicense
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2014
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Trying to insult my dad, but he's too quick for me.

After making one too many dad jokes, I posed a question to my old man.

Me: "Do I really have to have your genes?"

Dad: "They're not all bad, but I will admit that we don't breed well."

TouchΓ© old man. TouchΓ©.

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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So my dad joked my mum...

My dad is a night owl and my mum is an early bird, meaning he has a good few hours to plot and scheme his dadjokes...

Well the other evening, he decided to scare the living daylights out of my mum by drawing a face on a melon, stuffing it in a hoodie with rubber-gloves, shoes and jeans and posed it in our morning room.

Now my mum gets up real early, and walks around the house in a grumpy daze, grumbling, scratching and squinting and whatnot with a grim face looking for something to nag about, so you can imagine the sheer pride he (probably) felt wrapped up in bed with that dumb dadjoke grin from his "Hilarious prank", to hear a loud "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" coming from across the hall.

Needless to say i'm pretty sure she found something to nag about that morning.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jacquamarine
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2014
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I hope this doesn't make anyone sour!

A friend and I are driving along the motorway and I note about how tall a Hovis (bread bakers) lorry is.
Friend poses the question "I wonder why they need such a tall lorry?"
Without pausing I answer "Because bread rises!"

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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