One's a lucky dip and the other is a ducky lip
I went for the juggler.
Husband: “I have a better fucking idea.“
My friend needs an insta caption for a pic where she's posing with flowers. Any suggestions?
basic. yeah. i know.
Pencils posed a problem, 2B or not 2B
Because it hertz.
Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"
Man doesn't laugh
Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."
Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wonder Woman"
Clown asks: "Have you heard of the baseball team the Chicago Hot Dogs? They are the wurst"
Doesn't crack a smile
Clown asks: "Why was the alcoholic so annoying? He wined too much"
Clown starts to get nervous
Clown asks: "The disinterested hockey player got a penalty. What was it? Boarding"
Clown asks: "What is a nun's favorite card game? Old Maid"
Clown asks: "How do crustaceans celebrate birthdays? With crab cakes"
Clown asks: "What do you call a champion deer? A Win-doe"
grasping at straws
Finally Clown asks: "How do sheep sleep when they have nightmares? Baaaaadly"
He never laughs. Clown gives him his $100 and asks "Di... keep reading on reddit ➡
My bad sense of humour got me banned from /r/pcmastterace.
I was discussing distance from monitors with another user and they replied with "just touching the monitor when I do a hitler pose." I got banned after I said I was happy to have heilped in any way that I canpf.
I should have guessed that pcmasterrace mods were very sensitive to any racist references, but I did nazi the ban coming.
There once was a princess named Emily, but the royal family called her Em for short. One day the king posed a riddle in order to choose a suitor for his eldest daughter, Elizabeth. The riddle was as follows:
Elizabeth has two apples, and Emily has one apple. Emily gives Elizabeth her apple as a wedding gift. How might you calculate the total amount of apples Elizabeth has presently?
Many days passed and no one could figure out the answer. Of course, on the first day a man came and answered, “Sire, to calculate the amount of apples Elizabeth has, you must add Emily’s apple.” He was promptly executed.
After this, the kingdom was stumped. Nobody knew how to calculate Elizabeth’s apples if the answer was not to simply to add Emily’s apple, and none dared to try and answer unless they were absolutely sure of it.
One night, a young man, determined to find the answer, climbed up the palace walls to watch the royal family as they ate.
“Father,” said Emily, “have you made the riddle too h... keep reading on reddit ➡
If I go out to eat with my dad and we have any leftovers, I know every time what's going to happen.
Waiter/Waitress: "You want a box for that?" (Sounds like "You wanna box for that?")
Dad: Raises fists into traditional boxing pose "I think I can take you."
The plaintiff got X-posed
Not a joke. A true story. My daughter asked me to take a photo of her because her hair was "on point". So I held the phone up and took half a dozen pictures as she posed.
Hilariously I had the camera pointing at me so she got my face looking serious. We laughed, started again, took some more pictures and obviously I did exactly the same thing. Comedy gold.
Of course now both of us are doing it every time we take a picture of anything with our phones. It's a downward spiral neither of us is prepared to break. I'm concerned I'm going to miss important moments in the lives of my as yet unborn grandchildren.
Because he posed a significant flight risk!
One is a always one post behind the other. The name of the act? Pre"pose"turous!
My 4yo son posed this question to his mother yesterday after watching Moana (again). Since he's 4, he slurs the 't' a bit.
I immediately without hesitation or remorse blurt out "In between the Toesies!"
My wife says she'll need therapy and a support group.
She had pose-able thumbs.
In my biology class not too long ago, we covered a mini unit on invasive species. One of my classmates was giving a presentation on an invasive monkey species, explaining how it is very aggressive in nature and has been known to attack people and other animals in small groups. After hearing this, I couldn't help but raise my hand and pose the question: "So you could say these monkeys use guerrilla warfare?". Almost the entire class groaned simultaneously. It was glorious.
As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:
My girlfriend was looking at tumblr and comes across an adorable picture of a pig smiling at the camera.
She shows me and says "look at this pig posing for a picture!"
I say, "yes, he's quite the ham"
I went speckled trout fishing today with my dad and uncle and they were getting a little annoyed because I kept pulling in fish and they weren't even getting a bite. So my dad started making fun of the way I was standing because I was in the middle of the boat so I had one foot on the floor by the seats and one foot up on the deck, kind of like the captain Morgan pose. Dad: Why you keep standing like that? Me: Because it gives me a leg up on the fish. He just grinned and went back to not catching any fish.
After making one too many dad jokes, I posed a question to my old man.
Me: "Do I really have to have your genes?"
Dad: "They're not all bad, but I will admit that we don't breed well."
Touché old man. Touché.
My dad is a night owl and my mum is an early bird, meaning he has a good few hours to plot and scheme his dadjokes...
Well the other evening, he decided to scare the living daylights out of my mum by drawing a face on a melon, stuffing it in a hoodie with rubber-gloves, shoes and jeans and posed it in our morning room.
Now my mum gets up real early, and walks around the house in a grumpy daze, grumbling, scratching and squinting and whatnot with a grim face looking for something to nag about, so you can imagine the sheer pride he (probably) felt wrapped up in bed with that dumb dadjoke grin from his "Hilarious prank", to hear a loud "AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" coming from across the hall.
Needless to say i'm pretty sure she found something to nag about that morning.
A friend and I are driving along the motorway and I note about how tall a Hovis (bread bakers) lorry is.
Friend poses the question "I wonder why they need such a tall lorry?"
Without pausing I answer "Because bread rises!"