As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark?
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.
Why is it a good idea to put more books in prison libraries?
Because the prose outweigh the cons.
Instead of water, I accidentally put RedBull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.
I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.
Get in a pun battle with me, and I’ll have to put on my...
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...
She beats the eggs and whips the cream.
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
I thought I was being very clever but I’ve been known to put my foot in my mouth.
I put my root beer in a square glass
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
“Well, I guess now you really are… independent"
I accidentally left some AA batteries in my pocket when I put them in the wash
That's what I call clean energy
I didn't put my watch back this weekend, so I'm living in the future.
If there's anything you want to know, about what's going to happen, just ask me.
What happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight?
I put on a blindfold to see what I would look like in the mirror.
To be honest, I just don't see myself wearing it.
Researchers are studying beavers when clocks were put in their homes
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
What do you call a selfie that’s so good you put it in a frame?
What does a duck put in it’s soup?
My wife told me it's too dangerous to put away dishes in the dark
I said "it's a whisk I'm willing to take"
I know a surgeon that puts organs back in upsidedown
I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.
My dad once told me that if I put a potato in my swim trunks, I would attract more women...
He forgot to tell me to put the potato in the front
I've put a wooden desk and a blackboard up in my bedroom.
Had to have blood taken today. Staff tried to put needle in but didn't go into the blood vessel.
So since it didn't go in the vein, it was in vain
Why did the guitar put in jail
For missing its chord appointment.
Everytime I put my car in reverse
I think, huh, this takes me back
What do Microsoft employees put in their sandwiches?
I put a skylight in my bathroom
Boy were the neighbors upstairs pissed
Do you guys want to know what I put in the wooden box I made and threw in the ocean?
Never mind it’s a sea-crate....
(I made this up please don’t murder me)
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.
For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.
Why did ying put shrimps in his pizza?
>!Because it was crustasian!<
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
My uncle is really good at fishing. He always knows exactly what kind of worm to put on his fishing hook, in order to catch the desired kind of fish.
One might say he is a master baiter.
I'm a teacher and I like to do superhero impressions before class to put students in a good mood.
The other day I told them I was going to do an imitation of Batman, so I started off with:
"Argh… kryptonite, getting weaker…"
"THAT'S SUPERMAN!" a student in the back row yelled
"Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot", I replied.
What happens if you put capsaicin in jelly
I’ve decided to put an end to color-based segregation in my household...
...however my wife disagrees, and is no longer letting me use the washing machine.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
My dad came up with this joke when he was little and he thinks it will go viral.
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.
What do you get when you put a bodybuilder in a sauna?... Steamed mussels!
What does a superhero put in their scotch?
I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night.
Was a good job really, I needed some cold hard cash!