Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
I put ketchup in my eyes
in heinzsight, it was a very bad mistake
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
I accidentally put viagra in my ear
I’m hard of hearing now
Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards
Edit 2: Tis a HARD joke to beat
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.
The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.
It made it look a little more classy.
What do you get if you put a chicken strip in a small fridge?
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
Why did the man put his glasses in a can of beans?
How do you put a gun in it's place?
You tell it that the world does not revolver- round you.
My son said, “I accidentally put ketchup in my eye. I should have been more careful.”
I said, “That’s Heinz sight for you.”
I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought
Why do the Irish always put 239 beans in their soup?
Because anymore would be too farty.
Happy St. Paddy's Day!
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills
I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day.
And the box said 2-4 years.
Why did the master distiller put an elevator in the warehouse?
Why did the police officer put the cranky baby in jail?
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list
Now I can't read anything.
I just found out you should never put sanitizer in the dishwasher.
Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark?
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
I asked fellow astronauts on ISS for some milk to put in my coffee but was informed I can't have any.
They said: "In space nobody can. Here, use cream"
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator?
My contact lenses have been dry on my eyes when I put them in. I discovered a liquid to prevent it!
Dad puts the car in to reverse and thinks
I hope no-one is behind us
You've seen Mentos and Coke, but what happens when you put Coke in the oven?
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
Well, I got my vaccine today but the nurse put it in the top of my leg.
I put my grandfather's ashes In a new container recently.
I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.
Now it’s a Sub Machine Gun
I was cold and hungry, so I put my feet in front of the heater
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen
I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."
Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'
What do they want a medal?
I put a picture of myself in a locket...
You could say, I'm Independent.
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"
The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"
I just put gas in the car
You might want to crack a window
What does a French put in his salad?
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself....
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...
and the box said 2-4 years!
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself....
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."
"Stop eating caterpillars!"
Every time I put my car in reverse.
*Puts car in reverse*
You know, this really takes me back
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