As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

β€œThis takes me back.”

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08
🚨︎ report
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24
🚨︎ report
Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark?

In the Ark Hives.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JP-Seven
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09
🚨︎ report
You know, I had such a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tyres and roll me down the hill.

They were the Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 182
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sterntoothz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30
🚨︎ report
Why is it a good idea to put more books in prison libraries?

Because the prose outweigh the cons.

πŸ‘︎ 204
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjo_kes
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23
🚨︎ report
Instead of water, I accidentally put RedBull in the the back of my coffee maker this morning.

I was halfway to work before I realized I forgot my car.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23
🚨︎ report
Get in a pun battle with me, and I’ll have to put on my...
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Buglepost
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25
🚨︎ report
Cooking always puts my wife in a bad mood...

She beats the eggs and whips the cream.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03
🚨︎ report
I thought I was being very clever but I’ve been known to put my foot in my mouth.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 12
🚨︎ report
I put my root beer in a square glass

And now I have beer.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DM_me_some_rice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10
🚨︎ report
The day my daughter turns 18, I’m going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:

β€œWell, I guess now you really are… independent"

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Daudelin1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29
🚨︎ report
I accidentally left some AA batteries in my pocket when I put them in the wash

That's what I call clean energy

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dcschnazz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25
🚨︎ report
I didn't put my watch back this weekend, so I'm living in the future.

If there's anything you want to know, about what's going to happen, just ask me.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02
🚨︎ report
What happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight?

It becomes DAYTROGEN!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10
🚨︎ report
I put on a blindfold to see what I would look like in the mirror.

To be honest, I just don't see myself wearing it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UsualCanary
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09
🚨︎ report
Researchers are studying beavers when clocks were put in their homes

It’s about dam time!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tim55431
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05
🚨︎ report
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.

Now she's independent.

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20
🚨︎ report
What do you call a selfie that’s so good you put it in a frame?

A shelfie.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kvnhntn
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25
🚨︎ report
What does a duck put in it’s soup?

Quackers.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DismalSeagull
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05
🚨︎ report
My wife told me it's too dangerous to put away dishes in the dark

I said "it's a whisk I'm willing to take"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrightHausJon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25
🚨︎ report
I know a surgeon that puts organs back in upsidedown

I told him that's not funny but he said it was an inside joke.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/UnsafestNumber
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20
🚨︎ report
My dad once told me that if I put a potato in my swim trunks, I would attract more women...

He forgot to tell me to put the potato in the front

πŸ‘︎ 251
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Funny-Promise956
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report
I've put a wooden desk and a blackboard up in my bedroom.

To make it more classy.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15
🚨︎ report
Had to have blood taken today. Staff tried to put needle in but didn't go into the blood vessel.

So since it didn't go in the vein, it was in vain

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30
🚨︎ report
Why did the guitar put in jail

For missing its chord appointment.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slymood
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26
🚨︎ report
Everytime I put my car in reverse

I think, huh, this takes me back

πŸ‘︎ 186
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πŸ‘€︎ u/X_Tbull
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15
🚨︎ report
What do Microsoft employees put in their sandwiches?

Nadella.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HRHNeil
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25
🚨︎ report
I put a skylight in my bathroom

Boy were the neighbors upstairs pissed

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 03
🚨︎ report
Do you guys want to know what I put in the wooden box I made and threw in the ocean?

Never mind it’s a sea-crate....

(I made this up please don’t murder me)

πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DubsAli
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19
🚨︎ report
What do you say when your wife is so envious of your peanut butter obsession she wants to put it on herself in the bedroom?

DON'T BE JELLY!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearnakedgamer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23
🚨︎ report
A child picks up a piece of chocolate and puts it in the shopping cart. The mother takes the chocolate, as it is unhealthy, and puts it down next to the eggs.

For its unhealthy being, it was in eggs-aisle.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunainT
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07
🚨︎ report
Why did ying put shrimps in his pizza?

.

>!Because it was crustasian!<

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Starcat133
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01
🚨︎ report
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01
🚨︎ report
My uncle is really good at fishing. He always knows exactly what kind of worm to put on his fishing hook, in order to catch the desired kind of fish.

One might say he is a master baiter.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/assafstone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18
🚨︎ report
I'm a teacher and I like to do superhero impressions before class to put students in a good mood.

The other day I told them I was going to do an imitation of Batman, so I started off with:

"Argh… kryptonite, getting weaker…"

"THAT'S SUPERMAN!" a student in the back row yelled

"Thanks man, I've been practicing a lot", I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01
🚨︎ report
What happens if you put capsaicin in jelly

Red hot jelly peppers

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hashanan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11
🚨︎ report
I’ve decided to put an end to color-based segregation in my household...

...however my wife disagrees, and is no longer letting me use the washing machine.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eagle4523
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23
🚨︎ report
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?

Because he wanted to give it a wax job.

My dad came up with this joke when he was little and he thinks it will go viral.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 22
🚨︎ report
I had a great childhood, I remember my dad would put me in a tire & roll me down the hill all summer.

Those were Goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drunk98
πŸ“…︎ May 31
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you put a bodybuilder in a sauna?... Steamed mussels!
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rob85048
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
What does a superhero put in their scotch?

Just ice.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27
🚨︎ report
I accidentally put my wallet in the freezer last night.

Was a good job really, I needed some cold hard cash!

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/runew0lf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31
🚨︎ report

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