Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?

Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.

Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oak05
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I put ketchup in my eyes

in heinzsight, it was a very bad mistake

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Major_Cupcake
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender ?

You get a hand shake.

πŸ‘︎ 157
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
🚨︎ report
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

β€œThis takes me back.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jonny1211
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I accidentally put viagra in my ear

I’m hard of hearing now

Edit: Thank you kind strangers for the awards

Edit 2: Tis a HARD joke to beat

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I bought my daughter a locket and put her picture in it.

Now she is independant.

πŸ‘︎ 87
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/poshnoshlosh
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
We threw a house party that ended badly last night, my wife put her best friend in hospital with a single punch.

The worst fruit allergy I've ever seen.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I put some desks and a whiteboard in my living room today.

It made it look a little more classy.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/johnrichmondman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get if you put a chicken strip in a small fridge?

A mini bar tender!

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/eat-rainbows
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do they put lotion in tissues?

To soften the blow

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/I_SHIT_A_BRICK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the man put his glasses in a can of beans?

To get Heinzsight.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDukeOfSpiffing
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
How do you put a gun in it's place?

You tell it that the world does not revolver- round you.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bbew_Mot
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
My son said, β€œI accidentally put ketchup in my eye. I should have been more careful.”

I said, β€œThat’s Heinz sight for you.”

πŸ‘︎ 144
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I have a jar where I put 50 cents in for every time I have a negative thought

It’s half empty

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Akorical
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do the Irish always put 239 beans in their soup?

Because anymore would be too farty.

Happy St. Paddy's Day!

πŸ‘︎ 78
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hallsguide
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a happy childhood. My dad used to put me in tires and roll me down hills

Those were goodyears

πŸ‘︎ 434
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gotblake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I don't mean to brag, but I put together a puzzle in 1 day.

And the box said 2-4 years.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ddodd69
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the master distiller put an elevator in the warehouse?

To lift his spirits

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BigfootNick
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the police officer put the cranky baby in jail?

For resisting a rest.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/viocult
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife asked me to put ketchup in the shopping list

Now I can't read anything.

πŸ‘︎ 364
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sm-aug
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I just found out you should never put sanitizer in the dishwasher.

It's hand wash only

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/therealtechnird
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Where did Noah put all the bee’s in his Ark?

In the Ark Hives.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JP-Seven
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 869
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked fellow astronauts on ISS for some milk to put in my coffee but was informed I can't have any.

They said: "In space nobody can. Here, use cream"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s it called when you put a cow in an elevator?

Raising the steaks.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
My contact lenses have been dry on my eyes when I put them in. I discovered a liquid to prevent it!

That was the solution!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Dad puts the car in to reverse and thinks

I hope no-one is behind us

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DapperDavidYT
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
You've seen Mentos and Coke, but what happens when you put Coke in the oven?

Baking soda

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/knighthawk0811
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?

Her stupidity knew no bonds

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Well, I got my vaccine today but the nurse put it in the top of my leg.

Pfizer killing me now

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SadistaMac
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
🚨︎ report
I put my grandfather's ashes In a new container recently.

He really urn-ed it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SHOETOOSMALL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I put a hand gun in a long sandwich.

Now it’s a Sub Machine Gun

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/turkyman3
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
I was cold and hungry, so I put my feet in front of the heater

Now I have tostitos

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChargeYourBattery
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
🚨︎ report
Yesterday I purchased a world map and put it on the wall in the kitchen

I gave my wife a dart and said:" Throw this and, wherever it lands, i'll take you there for a holiday."

Turns out we're spending three weeks behind the fridge.

πŸ‘︎ 97
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mac_OrchardYT
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm getting bored of hearing these Olympic athletes say .. 'how much work they've put in and the sacrifices they've made.'

What do they want a medal?

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I put a picture of myself in a locket...

You could say, I'm Independent.

πŸ‘︎ 105
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Our dog has been a little under the weather so we took him in for a checkup. The vet picked him up, studied him for a bit, sighed and said, "I'm really sorry, but I'm gonna have to put him down." Tears welling in my eyes I sputtered, "Why!? What's wrong with him?"

The vet replied, "Nothing major, he's just really heavy!"

πŸ‘︎ 88
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I just put gas in the car

You might want to crack a window

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SpaceDBoogie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a French put in his salad?

L' ttuce

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ja-das-ist-gut
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens if you put your hand in the blender?

You get a handshake

πŸ‘︎ 154
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lil_biggyeeeet
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself...

β€œThis takes me back.”

πŸ‘︎ 15k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself....

This takes me back.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
I don’t mean to brag, but I just put a puzzle together in 1 day...

and the box said 2-4 years!

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BusyPooping
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a Hand Shake!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2021
🚨︎ report
What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
🚨︎ report
As I put my car in reverse, I thought to myself....

this takes me back

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My son asked, "Dad, every time I talk to girls, I get butterflies in my stomach! What should I do?!" I gently put my arm around him and replied, "That's easy son..."

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time I put my car in reverse.

It really takes me back.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/therealfakebodhi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
*Puts car in reverse*

You know, this really takes me back

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Duat996
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.