Last night as I lay in bed staring at the stars I thought to myself

Where the heck is the ceiling?

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
What happens when chickens lay eggs at the top of a hill?

Egg rolls

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of eggs does an evil hen lay?

Deviled eggs

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aderhold22
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Green Giant lay down in the field?

So he could Rest in Peas.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OilPhilter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
As I lay in bed, looking up at the many thousands of stars in the night sky, I think to myself...

WHAT IN THE HECK HAPPENED TO MY ROOF?

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itim__office
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The platypus and echidna both lay eggs and produce milk

Making them the only animals on the planet capable of whipping their own custard

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotA_Drug_Dealer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
And all the vegetables gathered around the meal that lay before them and decided to say grace..

Lettuce pray

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DanGlerrBOY89
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What does the Mexican carpet fitter say whenever he lays a new floor?

Underlay! Underlay!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EskimoJake
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
🚨︎ report
At which turn did the dog lay down?

At the last one

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Humble_Astronaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do chickens lay eggs?

Because if they dropped them, they'd break.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hrilmitzh
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
🚨︎ report
On the golf course I'm known as Frito Lay...

Because my chips are so good.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shercroft
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My Himalayan friend has a cow that won’t lay down

I’m always checking to see if it will Everest

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bellicose_buddha
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2020
🚨︎ report
A polygon that lays eggs.

Hendecagon.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/holymolybreath
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
🚨︎ report
An old man lay dying under the ceiling fan which had the bearing of a military helicopter airily surveying the aftermath of a natural disaster.

Surrounded by his son, his twin daughters and a haggard-looking nurse who looked about ready to end it all if only she could find the bloody switch, he was finally breathing his last.

His son, who loved him dearly and wasn't at all sure if he had been cut out of the will or not, burst into tears at the plight of a man who would look more at home in a red woolly outfit than he ever could in drab, white linen.

"I do not wish to die today, Anthony", he intoned fixing his gaze slightly above his son's left shoulder, "there is something you must do to save me."

"Tell me what to do dad, I can't bear to look at you this way", cried Anthony.

"There is a land, not far from here, where no one ever dies. It is not for dying you see. That is where I must go."

"Where is this place father? Tell me, and I shall take you to it."

"Take me there now", he said faintly as if in great pain, "Take me to, The Living Room."

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LazyLeo1337
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2018
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend needed a blood transfusion. Life or death ya know? But her parents and I could not remember her blood type. As she lay dying on her gurney, she kept insisting β€œbe positive, be positive,”

But sometimes, it’s really hard without her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PoeJascoe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
TV Narrator* This is a mallard. A mallard is a dabbling duck that breeds throughout the world. This one is in search of a mate. A female will lay 8 to 13 eggs.

Duckumentary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Odd-looking
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Heard of the chicken that couldn't lay anymore eggs?

It was having an eggsistential crisis

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAmBlizzy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What is green and lays in the forrest

Kermit the log

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vvdb_industries
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
🚨︎ report
An unsatisfied chicken lays in bed smoking a cigarette next to an egg that rolls to its side embarrassed

Chicken: Well I guess we solved that riddle

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when a chicken is too old to lay eggs?

Henopause

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the dog lay in the sun all day?

He wanted to be a hot dog.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sparkei1ca
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
A man walks into a bar with a giraffe, which promptly lays down on the floor. The barman says, β€œOi mate, you cant leave that lying there!”

The man says, β€œIt’s not a lion it’s a giraffe”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomsonc014
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do chickens lay eggs?

Because if they dropped them, they’d break.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you get when a chicken lays its eggs on top of a hill?

Eggrolls

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What do millennials call lay-offs?

Employeets.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pjnick300
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2019
🚨︎ report
All these words I don't just lay...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Booglain2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a man with no arms no legs and lays in front of his door

Matt

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the hen lay around in the barn all day?

She was EGGShausted.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oceans-Stars
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad joked the frito lay guy

Scene- Frito lay guy unloading truck at the local grocery store.

Dad- walks up to the frito guy, puts his hand on his shoulder and says to him, "they only call you when the chips are down"

Frito guy- laughs all the way back to the truck

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thegoodwookie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2015
🚨︎ report
when i relize lays doesnt fill their bags all the way

I start to think they're Lays-y

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FireDragons52
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What does a chicken need to lay a egg everyday?

Hendurance.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hacxgames
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2019
🚨︎ report
In an effort to try to bring their snacks up to speed in terms of technology, Lay's is shrinking the size of their product by more than 50%.

They're calling them microchips.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehgreatiam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do wicked chickens lay?

Deviled eggs.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ravenwarrior131
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My shaggy dog likes to lay down on the floor during long car trips.

He’s a great carpet.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blake4Bama
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What happened to the Frito-Lay employee whose coworker got unfairly promoted?

He ended up getting a chip on his shoulder

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/36chambersoffun
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried to tell my wife how to lay sod, but she wasn’t interested...

We still have a lot of ground to cover

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cpm10682
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Whats Irish and lays around in the sun all day?

Pati O’ Furniture

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MarlinsBB
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
🚨︎ report
In old days it was considered very lucky to have a hen lay her eggs near the inside of the entrance of your house

As soon as a person walks in and sees this, they would know to expect good luck and fortune from the owner of the house and the whole family, but only if all of the chicks hatch and are all healthy. Every time you left a house, it was considered good luck to look at the hen, and wish it well to have all of its chicks born happy, healthy, and for the hen to live a long life. This is why they call it an egg-sit!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jonmeservy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What lays at the bottom of the sea and shakes?

A nervous wreck

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pluripotense
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
🚨︎ report
What do evil chickens lay?

Deviled Eggs.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yolo_swag-brah22
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
🚨︎ report
What happens when small fish get too old to lay eggs?

They go through minnow-pause.

πŸ‘︎ 144
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a guy who lays around on the porch all day?

Matt...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amd20555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I think I need to lay off the cake.

Otherwise my daughter's birthday will be a bit ruined.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
🚨︎ report
Lay's Mis
πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nandiila
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2014
🚨︎ report
Today was so windy I saw a chicken lay the same egg twice.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/N1NJACQUES
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2017
🚨︎ report
My boss kept nagging me so I told him, β€œLay off!”

My wife was not happy when I got home and told her I needed to start job hunting

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/puppyball
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report

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