He knew he'd be pun-ished for his choice. http://explosm.net/comics/3853/
Studies can be pun as well
Do dad jokes have to be puns? This is what I made for mother's day. One for my wife and one for my mom
She seems to be having a field day out there.
If my son ever came out to be trans then I wouldn’t have a son anymore
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
It takes guts to be an organ donor
For real tho. Donate your organs. It saved my dads life 😁
Too dangerous to be left alive
Just started my new job as a security guard. The supervisor told me my job would be to watch the office at night.
I’m on season eight. Still not sure what this has to do with security.
It can also be called mobile crisis units
What would be bananas without 'b'?
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
Hades decided if he was going bald, there would be hell toupee.
Your nose will never be 12 inches long
Because then it would be a foot.
I’d be lying if I said I got a hair cut
saw a girl with a tattoo of a tree on her breast, seems like it would be painful...
May the 5th be with you...wait, Uhm.
My girlfriend thought I'd be lonely after she broke up with me,
Little did she know that I immediately bought stocks just to have some company.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25 You know why?
I want you to be "Br" but without the bro.
Eye drops should be called blinker fluid
My wife keeps telling me to stop pretending to be butter.
While watching Harry Potter once, I said to my Dad “I wonder what the Hogwarts version of a dirty magazine would be” as Harry was rooting through his chest of things.
Without skipping a beat he said “Whorelocks.”
I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
My dad always told me that I could be any person I want. But the FBI disagreed with this.
Apparently identity theft is a crime.
I’ll be honest, I don’t trust the stairs in my house.
They’re up to something...
Tesla just announced they’ll be including a bottle of their new cologne now with every car sold
How can a room full of married people be empty?
Because there's not a single person there
Ps. I wasn't invited either
Why can't some Christians be vegan?
They can't seem to stomach seitan.
Might be an old one that someone else's said but it made me chuckle.
Amtrak employees are more like to be struck by lightning than any other profession.
Because they are good conductors
Be careful what you ask for
Would a movie about the invention of the Tampon be a... period piece?
A genie appeared and granted me one wish: I said I wanted to be happy.
Now I live in a cottage with 6 other dwarfs and I work in a mine.
Sure elevators can be uplifting
But sometimes they just get me down 😔
I used to be addicted to soap.
What do you call a pancake that just can’t be beat?
I did not expect this to be the replacement IronMan
What do you call a priest that wants to be a lawyer?
Had a yen to be creative this weekend...
so I crafted a large numeral in the back garden. I chopped, sawed, planed, sanded, and painted that number till it looked amazing.
My neighbour looked over the fence and enviously stated “Nice one!”
50 cent is boutta be a dollar
Why can’t a nose be 12 inches?
Cuz then it would be a foot
I used to be addicted to soap...