Why did the art thief’s van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?

Because he had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OwenJthomas89
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
Why did the dime run for President?

Because he kept hearing that people wanted to vote for change.

πŸ‘︎ 742
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A shark can swim faster than me, but I reckon I can run faster than a shark.

So, if it was a Triathlon, it would come down to, which one of us was better at riding a bike....Right!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04
🚨︎ report
what do you call a tree that will never give you up, never let you down, never gonna run around and desert you?

rick ash-tree

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imboredwithlyf
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
25 emails between me (film producer) and Jason (my props master) over the course of making my film RUN (on Hulu now!)
πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sevohanian
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).

Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My Dad was really proud of the chicken fence he put up for the chicken run.

It was impeckable

πŸ‘︎ 229
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jedispartan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
🚨︎ report
We will never run out of puns now!

A giant list of puns

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.

I used to be afraid of hu

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/communist_scumbag
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a little person psychic on the run from the cops?

A small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spaceman-Mars
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Bruce Springsteen: Baby we are born to run.

Bruce Springsadult: let’s just take a cab.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Never run with bagpipes

You could put an aye out, or worse yet, get kilt.

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/justbeatitTTD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when an alternating current and a direct current run into each other in a wire?

A good rock band.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BioWoLFex
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone: I’m gunna run down to the convenient store and get something to drink.

Dad: you should probably drive, running that far seems like a lot of unnecessary work.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the melons run away and get married instead of have a big church wedding like their parents wanted?

Because they could elope.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the mother melon say to her daughter when she wanted to run away to get married?

You cantaloupe!

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Which animal runs all day and smells of pork?

A hamster.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyNetF1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Two birds run into a bank

Bird 1: what are we doing

Bird 2: we robin

Ik delivery couldve been better but leave me be best my hungover ass can do rn

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnBuachaillEire
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I found myself bereft at the chaos that run through the winding streets of China town. The horror

The wonton destruction.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommyW-Unofficial
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Got anxiety and you've run out of things to Fu Man-chew?
πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DadPunsAreBadPuns
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Every once in a while you run into a truly eccentric proctologist

You know, one crazy ass doctor

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I hired a coach for an upcoming marathon. She gave me a run for my money.
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/golubeerji
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter invented a writing instrument that never runs out of ink, never smudges and cures any other difficulties associated with writing...

It's a regular penacea!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know The Flash can run faster than lightning?

This is mainly because lightning can't run

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2020
🚨︎ report
You can't run at a camp site.

You can only ran, because it's past tents.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/God_Smith82
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't Joe run for office in 2016?

He was Biden his time.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/inTRONet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2020
🚨︎ report
A heavily armed man runs into an estate agent....Screaming....

Nobody move.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I've run out of toilet paper and started using old newspapers instead

The times are rough

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Your body has run out of magnesium!

Patient: Omg!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dufffer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I run out of toilet paper...
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirt_T
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the president-elect wait so long before deciding to run for president?

He was just Biden his time

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xd1936
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
A bloke runs in to a bar and says. Quick how tall are penguins? The barman says about three feet. The man groans and says :--

I have just run over a NUN

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tiger7971
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the fat Indian girl decide to run a marathon?

She was a very moti-weighted person.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisIsOmeySalvi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call Batman and Robin after getting run over by a car?

Flatman and Ribbon.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boy_Noodlez
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
My generation's zombies didn't run..

They walked. Uphill. In the snow. They ate what brains they could find and they liked it.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicGuy66
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of car runs on leaves?

An autumn-mobile!

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/uhavethebiggay
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know America is run by hippos?

It's what causes all the hippocrisy

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ommageden
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a soup factory run by strippers?

A brothel

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xkelsx1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
People who run behind cars get exhausted.

But people who run in front of cars get tired.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DestroyatronMk8
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my dad I could run faster than his car he replied how? I said

A car cant run it drives

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hissingsounds
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
If I happened to run into you, and fall on you perpendicularly,

Would you be cross with me?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dzintato
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Tesla on auto-pilot that tried to run over a cop?

It was charged with battery

πŸ‘︎ 31
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pikindaguy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know you can run through a campground?

You can only ran. Because it’s past tents.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/halokost
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A doctor told a patient that his body has run out of magnesium.

0mg

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/singh_j
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t melons run away & get married?

Because they cantaloupe...

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BillyBob_TX
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do retirement homes never run out of hot water?

Because they’re full of geysers

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBanisherOfRegs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
🚨︎ report

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