Because I love work PUNS! :D
I've given all jacks at my work pun names
A coworker named Celsius recently retired at my work, so they hired a guy named Kelvin to replace him.
He's the new temp. Seems like a cool guy.
My Wife is freaking out about this coronavirus. She made me promise I'd put the mask on before I left for work this morning......
Now I’m two hours late and I don’t even like Jim Carey
Not sure if this board works out.
A guy in work asked why my son had given up his flying lessons.
I told him pilot jobs aren't really taking off at the moment.
My boss shared this in my work chat today, it took me a moment...
If girls with big boobs work at The Hooters, where do the girls with only one leg work?
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
I got home from work and sat down for dinner with my parents. "Wow, haddock for dinner?"
Dad responds "So I take it you haddock-good day?"
(Note: This actually happened today.)
I went for a job interview today, he asked, "Can you tell me about your previous work experience in a nutshell?"
I said, "I've never had a job working in a nutshell."
What do you call a delivery driver who exclusively works with Indian restaurants?
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
We’ve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot who’s been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
Wife: I’m not in the mood to do my homework. Me: Just phone it in and do C-work. Wife: I don’t know how to do C-Work.
Me: step 1, buy a boat.
Just happened. Not an official dad yet but she’s 6 months pregnant. Got to get the practice in while I can.
My nickname at work is Mr. Compromise.
It wasn’t my first choice, but I’m okay with it.
I work at a store that sells imported prosthetic limbs.
I never though I'd grow up to be an international arms dealer.
My friend asked me how the text-to-speech feature works on his phone, but I didn't bother explaining it to him.
Why do guns only work when they are fired.
Please help. I am tired but I can't fall asleep. I need the ultimate answer.
I used to work at the orange juice factory..
I got fired because I couldn't concentrate...
I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work,
But it was a whisk I was willing to take.
I called my wife and told her I'd pick up pizza and coke on my way back home from work, but she's not happy.
She still regrets letting me name the twins.
I learned how to draw an isometric the other day, but it didn’t work out.
I tried coming at it from a different angle, but it looked really sketchy
Everyone is out of work and we shaved the dog
....the whole family has been fur-low’d.
What kind of condiment works as a laxative?
I got my dad a new tool that helps him remove things he has clamped onto his work bench.
He said he’d never heard of such a de-vice.
I used to work in a restaurant abnd my specialty was to make the icecreams and cakes, due to my busy schedule I had to quit...
Nonetheless they all call me a deserter
Communism doesn't work for me.
Why did the baker go to work?
What did the train engineer say when the electric chair didn’t work on him?
“I guess I’m just a good conductor”
When I got to work this morning, my boss stormed up to me and said, "You missed work yesterday, didn't you?"
I said, "No, not particularly."
Used to work in a drugstore during pandemics.
They called me a med man.
I just bought a bed that was advertised as making you fall asleep in under 5 minutes. It didn't work.
Why did the man work in a barn for hus whole life?
Because is was a stable career
My father was an electrical engineer. I'm not one, but I like to work with electronics.
Why did the frog take the bus to work today ?
Physicians work alone, or in mid-sized teams
because two of them together would be a paradox.
My father and grandfather work for the DMV.
I come from a long line of long lines.
My shoe split at work today
I knew this job would take my sole
I've been fired from work for putting in too many shifts
Keyboard manufacturing isn't as easy as you think
What does a lawyer wear to work?
My partner is having a bad day at work, so I thought I would draw his favorite animal with a cute note.
My brother builds yatchts and was told to work from home during corona virus
Sails have gone through the roof
Did you hear about the Yacht builder that had to work from home?
His sails went through the roof
Which medieval line of work has been the most let down throughout history?
My wife had a hard day at work, so I drew her a warm bath...
She didn't really seem to appreciate the sketch but it went on the fridge anyway...
Edit: I thunk up a better punchline.
I met a woman who makes face masks for people in need during the pandemic, but it looked like she was getting overwhelmed by all the work.
How'd they work out the thief was a T-Rex?
What happens when citrus fruits work overtime?
They get lime and a half...
I tried making flour mate but it didn't work!
I thought it could be bred!
I work nights so I sleep during the day.
What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work?
Just had a hectic first day at work
People kept running in and yelling at me that they would need a venti later, then running right back out to their large flashy vans blaring obnoxious music.
I kept having to call after them, saying that “this is a hospital, not a Starbucks!”
Finally realised these "gym" boards are not going to work out.
Wife is working on the computer and says "i can't work in glasses"
I say, "why?, too many blind spots?"
My brother works at a horse ranch
I gotta say, he's been living a stable job.
I used to work as a chef and I had so many utensils that I rented a unit to keep them all in.
I met a girl on tinder whose bio said she used to work at a meat packing plant and that she'd heard all the jokes before...
So I asked her out on a date for the weekend but to let me know by Friday if she had to can salami.
(Cancel on me)
Will you remember me joke. Needs 2 people to work.
"Will you remember me in a day?"
"Yes I will"
"Will you remember me in a week?"
"Yes I will"
"Will you remember me in a year?"
"Yes I will"
"Ok let me tell you a joke...knock knock..."
I've had to use my old nintendo controller to work from lately
You can say I've been working wiimotely
What do you call a cow that works out?
- my 15 year old daughter trying to emulate my sense of humor.
cleaning with alcohol doesn't work...
...NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
Why do so many spiders work in IT?
They're great web-developers.
Little Johnny was going door to door asking his neighbors if they needed any yard work done.
When he got to old man Johnson’s house the old man said “My yard doesn’t need any work, but my porch is in need of a coat of paint. I’ll pay you 50 bucks, and if you finish by sundown I’ll throw in a 50 dollar bonus”.
With a confused look on his face little Johnny accepted the offer and got to work.
Less than an hour later little Johnny knocked on old man Johnson’s door to collect his hundred dollars.
“All finished, that’ll be one hundred dollars”!
Noticing there wasn’t a single drop of paint on the porch the old man started quizzing little Johnnys integrity.
“Now little Johnny, are you absolutely positively one hundred percent sure you finished painting my porch”?
“I sure am! Oh and by the way that’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari”!
Where do proctologists work?
When you work with computers, you should regularly check their storage management.
It's pretty easy and it won't hurt one bit.
A pirate is transported to modern day and stumbles upon a lumber mill while looking for work. When the pirate is asked if he knows how to use any of the tools...
You know what works better when tired?
Someone at work stole my Nikes and my Hi-Viz vest
They can run but they cannot hide
(Not mine- if anyone knows the source just say so)
When I was making the flag of China, I asked my mom to rate my work.
My 4 day work week is like my 21 year marriage
What do you call a place where annelids work out?
A man is explaining to his coworker that he never realized how much his wife loved him until he was home sick from work the previous day
“Really?” the coworker asks. “What showed you she really loved you?”
“She was just really excited to have me around,” the man replied. “Like when the mailman and FedEx guy came to the door she shouted excitedly, ‘My husband is home! My husband is home!’”
Bullets don’t do their work...
How do you know when a watch is off work?
I tried to write a code for dancing robots but it didn’t work
I guess it had no algorithm
What are the requirements to work in marine biology?
Your grades need to be above C-level
I was going to make a joke about unemployment....but non of them work
Helping my work colleague with her car. "I'm sorry, it's not looking good....
... I think it's caught the car owner virus"
I used to work at a calendar factory
But I got fired for taking a couple of days off.
I took my 8-year old girl to the office with me on, "Take Your Kid to Work Day." As we were walking around the office, she starting crying and getting very cranky, so I asked what was wrong with her.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed loudly, "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said that you worked with?!"
My friend boasted that he domesticates cats from Africa for a living. I stopped by his work, and he was working with house cats...
I work in the kelp industry
Needless to say, I seaweed everyday
I broke one of my fingers at work today.
On the other hand, everything is okay.
The scarecrow won employee of the month at work today
he was outstanding in the field
Do you think that Terry Pegula's kids ever get tired of him saying, as he's headed out the door to work ...
"Time to go pay the Bills."?