I said, “You’re the ones blocking!”
Because it was crunch time
It’s the only way I can bring home the bacon.
You're very daddy-cated.
He thought it was really sweet.
No pain, no grain
You could say he's zealous
He was tireless.
Mount Neverest
http://imgur.com/GpiC2Is
...and here I am cracking dadjokes at her. http://imgur.com/x7ZiF6G
I can't believe that's all I have to chauffeur it.
I really expected to be set on fire more as an adult.
Because he had to support a whole household all by himself.
It’s a hard knock life for him
It’s a mail dominated industry.
Since it's 2020.
After all, not all batboys grow up to become batmen.
That's why i get hammered after work
She didn't really seem to appreciate the sketch but it went on the fridge anyway...
Edit: I thunk up a better punchline.
Because they have a lot to prove
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
He was Satired'
When I was 15 there was a Home Depot bucket next to the front door for a while. One night I was watching tv with my mom. She was laying on the couch and I was laying on the floor.
My dad got home from work and as he was taking off his boots he asked “Hey, where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” And without skipping a beat I said “I don’t know. Home Depot?” My mom laughed so hard and my dad was pissed. I got grounded for a week for “being a smart ass”.
I’m now 26 and to this day when my dad and I go to Home Depot I always chuckle and point to the buckets and ask “Hey dad, where do you think those come from.”
On one of these trips I picked one up and was examining it when my dad asked me what I was looking for. I turned the bucket upside down and said “Well would you look at that dad. They’re from Lowe’s.” I thought he was gonna knock my ass out right there.
TLDR: My dad: “Where did that Home Depot bucket come from?” Me: “I don’t know. Home Depot?”
The vet had recently diagnosed him with silly yak disease.
I was setting up my buddy Rick with this cute gal Tina I knew from work. She was smart, funny and worked in a shop.
Several years ago, she lost all the digits on both feet in a shop accident.
When I told Rick this he did a hard pass on her.
Turns out he is LackToes Intolerant.
Some would even call it egg-sauce-ting.
They’re all pretty brainless.
They really are fucking heroes
Why do you beehive like this?
You must take it sheariously.
We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,” hang on, weren’t they working for him?” My dad then proceeded to say,”not any more. They just got fired.” It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.
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