Nailed my brother with an excellent wood working pun on Sunday night.
He was over for dinner, asking me about making a simple wooden box. Once he's finished describing what he wants to do and how he thinks he'll do it I reply with "Yeah, that wood work".
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 06 2015
So apparently when you die, the last part of your body that stops working is your pupils..
Itβs because they di-late
π︎ 83
π
︎ Apr 04 2021
Why do women have a difficult time working for the postal service?
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Jan 06 2021
I have been working on my HAMstring!
π︎ 15
π
︎ Apr 05 2021
Working in a mirror factory is a profession
π︎ 46
π
︎ Mar 02 2021
Mr. Cooper has been working so much lately, he's feeling less and less like himself.
What he needs is a night of rest and re-Cooperation.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 23 2021
I was working as a waiter in a restaurant and my boss enjoyed playing jokes on me.....
....wasnβt so funny when I turned the tables though was it.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working.
It doesnβt make any cents.
π︎ 23
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
Why did the carmex stop working?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
I don't think the surge protector on my toaster is working...
Whilst I was making crumpets it told me to wake up, asked why I don't put on a little makeup, why did I leave the keys upon the table..
π︎ 3
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
The 20c making machine at The Mint suddenly stop working for no reason.
It just doesn't make any cents
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
I just can't understand why my calculator stopped working....
π︎ 18
π
︎ Feb 26 2021
(To a group) Ewwww, it smells like somebodyβs deodorant isnβt working...
Donβt look at me, I donβt wear that stuff!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
I hate working for what I want. Capitalism has ruined everything. Every time I dip my pen in the company ink, nine months later my wife hires a new employee.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
What happened when the stove stopped working?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
An American is working out
βThis workout is intense!β He huffs to his friend. βMy heart is pounding!β
βHuh?β Says the friend.
βOh, sorry, I forgot youβre European. My heart is βkilogrammingβ.β He replies.
π︎ 60
π
︎ Dec 22 2020
A group of ant's working together is called
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
I'm working on a device that can read minds
I'd love to hear your thoughts
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jan 30 2021
My two sons 5&8 are playing Minecraft this morning on survival. They are working hard together to build their mansion. I crossed the room in front of the TV to grab my phone as they are balanced high on a wall constructing a roof. My son screams out, βDad get out of the way!β
I said, βYouβre the ones blocking!β
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Jun 27 2020
Shoutout to my peeps working at cheap pizza restaurants
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 16 2021
Working on a home construction project and felt like relaxing with drink. Of course it's unsafe to mix alcohol with power tools.
Which is why I mixed my drink with a spoon instead.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
It must be tough working in the shipping and receiving department of a zoo.
No one ever addresses the elephant in the room.
π︎ 87
π
︎ Dec 10 2020
Did you know Apple is working on an EV?
Has anyone seen it? I am looking for some iWitnessβs
π︎ 5
π
︎ Feb 04 2021
What similar to working at McDonaldβs and being a archeologist in Athens
You will smell like ancient Greece
π︎ 22
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
A minute ago my calculator was fine and now, mysteriously, it's not working.
Something just doesn't add up.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the βGuess your weightβ booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.
He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jan 19 2021
How does a T-Rex feel after working out?
Kindasoar.
Boyfriend told me this after we discussed our workout today π₯²
π︎ 24
π
︎ Dec 17 2020
I spent so much time working on this
π︎ 28
π
︎ Nov 22 2020
If this new 'dynamic armour' thing they're working on involves electrical charges between plates...
... can we just call it e-mail?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 20 2021
McDonalds is working with Apple to create a huge gaming computer
They're calling it the Big Mac
π︎ 52
π
︎ Oct 27 2020
"I'm always working hard"
π︎ 2
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1001 cures for itches."
I guess, I've got to start again from scratch.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Nov 16 2020
i am deaf on both ears after working at the metal factory
I guess heavy metal is not good for my ears
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 05 2020
I was working in our store when my son called me over and said, βTwo guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.β I asked. βWhat did they look like?β He replied...
βFifty dollar bills.β
π︎ 60
π
︎ Dec 07 2020
Add therapy dogs considered working dogs?
If so, would they be white collar workers?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jan 12 2021
Why did the valet hate working in an alternate universe?
Because it was all parallel parking!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Dec 23 2020
Apple just announced their new electric vehicle, the iCar, coming in 2024. Rumor is theyβre working on a self driving boat as well.
Theyβre going to call it the iAye
π︎ 8
π
︎ Dec 24 2020
I was working my 9-5 at the paint supply warehouse, I just asked my boss for a raise
He handed me a ladder and asked if that was good enough
π︎ 5
π
︎ Dec 27 2020
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...
I work with beet boxes and I wrap!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
Son: Dad, can you see if my turn signals are working?
Dad: YES... no...YES...no...YES...no...
π︎ 23
π
︎ Dec 09 2020
Iβm working on my patience...
Good thing Iβm not a doctor, you donβt want that many patients.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Dec 26 2020
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation.
It doesnβt make any cents.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
Working in a mirror factory...
...is something I can totally see myself doing.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Feb 13 2021
The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, without explanation.
It doesn't make any cents!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 28 2020
I donβt understand why my calculator just stopped working.
It just doesnβt add up.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
I canβt understand why my calculator just stopped working
π︎ 58
π
︎ Oct 18 2020
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