A list of puns related to "Work Christmas"
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
I'm the main Claus and he's my subordinate Claus.
He drives a mustang and was trying to figure out how to get it in his car.
Friend: “How do I get this thing in my car? It’s almost as tall as I am!”
Me: “Guess you’re just gonna have to angle it.”
Friend and everyone in a 30 foot radius: -groan and facepalm-
She's my check mate.
FrostFit
do they add to contracts a Santa Clause?
He made Crochet sign a quaver.
(Credit goes to a friend of mine who's been writing Christmas cracker puns)
He and I are constantly messaging/texting each other puns/dad jokes all the time, so he decided to take it up a notch for Christmas: http://i.imgur.com/adLQdap.jpg
EDIT: The bag is sugar by the way. Guess who's bringing in lemonade after the weekend.
Context, we had family over my parent's house and were talking about what all us kids have been up too since we are grown now. They were talking about my cousin that just became an RN when I dropped gold that wasn't appreciated.
Cousin: "Yeah, she is doing great down in Florida now at a great hospital. She's a nurse on a really prestigious floor."
Me: "Hmm, must be made of marble or something."
My cousin: "Huh?"
Me: "It's a prestigious floor. It must be made of marble or something."
No one got it.
It was Tuesday night and we were at my work Christmas party when my boss comes to our table. Him: "The Sunday bar is open". Me: "But it's Tuesday". Him: "Look here, we don't need another smart ass. I have that position covered quite well". My mother(who normally is quit witted), "O_o I don't get it". My boss and me: -__-face palm
It’s my jingle bell rock.
Sea son's greetings.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him “This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. “Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. “NO honey it really works watch!” “Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. “WAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out “CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
"I just had the weirdest dream, and I can't make any sense of it."
Mrs Claus sits up and replies "Why don't you tell me about it dear?"
"They're I am, doing the Christmas eve rounds, checking in on the workers and I see one of them topping up the sleigh with gas. It's just routine work, but it woke me up tonight. What do you make of it?"
"Oh I see," Mrs Claus says, "very interesting."
"Well?" Santa says expectantly.
"This is a classic example of an elf fuel filling prophecy."
It really grinds my gears when people say stick-shift is obsolete.
Most people like their music bass-boosted, but it seems like too much treble.
When an astronaut drinks tea, he takes a big space-sip.
The best electricity puns are live wires. Coppers really don’t know how to resist these in a coil. If you make enough of this type of pun you can really blow their fuses. You need to be smart about how you conduct these so you don’t overload your capacitors.
The only kind of rap I like is the wrapping paper on gifts.
Scissors always cut to the point.
Airplane puns always fly overhead. You have to be careful so you don’t stall out. Always use better judgement so you nose how to dive. When used correctly, this pun classification can really propel to infinity and beyond. However, if misused, the fall from grace is full of turbulence.
When working with electricity puns always make sure to be grounded to prevent shocking results.
Mr. Tea says, ”Don’t be a fool, stay in school!”
i c e i c e w a t e r
Architecture is an aspiring career path.
‘Pun’ puns don’t add up. The are starting to get negative receptions.
I’ll do algebra. I’ll even do calculus. But graphing is where I draw the line.
Plants should always rooted in the ground.
Never argue with people when they are right or nobody will be left hanging out with you.
Rocks make boulder moves. This means they are pelite and not jagged. Don’t take these puns for granite.
Cheese puns are grate because you don’t have to ask for parmesan to use them.
Eskimos have cold personality. It is an ice society, but some of their history chills my spine.
My dog died a few years ago. It was really ruff.
I am not a fan of wind turbines.
Life is like driftwood. You never know where you will float.
Christmas lights stick together. When one goes out, they all do.
Puns about communism are only funny if everyone gets them.
Rocket scientists cannot fuel around or something bad can happen.
A baker is someone who kneads to make baked goods.
I sometimes wear stripes to avoid being spotted.
Sponges are great at absorbing liquids.
Contrary to the name, relationships have nothing to do with boats.
As a kid I loved to get the sunday comics from the paper and read Calvin and Hobbes. I loved it so much my parents would get me the compilation books as gifts for birthdays and christmas. I always thought it was funny when Calvin would ask his dad how "x" works. One day my son when he was about 6 years old asked my why some TV shows were in black and white. Inspired by this calvin and hobbes comic where Calvin's dad explains why photos are black and white. http://picayune.uclick.com/comics/ch/1993/ch930919.gif
I decided to do the same thing to my kid. I told him that the world was black and white back then and that things didn't start to become in color for decades later. I got a good chuckle out of it, but because he was so young, I didn't realize that he actually believed it. I soon forgot that I told him the world was black and white. When he was about 11 or 12, one day I got a call from my wife and she asked me, "Did you tell your son that the world used to be black and white?" I start laughing immediately and said yes! How did you know? She said because your son is writing an essay about how the world used to be black and white for school and he asked me what year the world became color. He believed that for like 6 years!
Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.
A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.
A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.
Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.
Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...
What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)
People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.
His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.
Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!
Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)
There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)
Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.
When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.
Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)
If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.
There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.
Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.
There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.
Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)
Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.
It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.
In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.
In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.
Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?
Doc: There's something not q
... keep reading on reddit ➡So we're putting up the Christmas tree, one of the pre-lit ones. For several years the tree and I have battled over getting all of the lights to work. As I hit the switch and groan in dismay as several strands don't come on, my son pops up with "Gee dad, looks like that tree has you stumped".
It's been several days and he's still laughing at his own joke.
My parents got me a vacuum for Christmas. I got it out of the box today and tried it out while they were getting groceries.
My dad comes home and sees the vacuum sitting out and asked if it worked alright.
"It really sucks!"
He looked worried for a second and I just started laughing. He finally caught on and he let out a groan.
One of the oldest ones in the book, but I was proud of it.
Sister: "Dad, what you want for Christmas?" Dad: "Well, I put a stud finder on my wish list on Amazon. But I dunno, last time I borrowed one to hang a picture, it didn't work." "Why not?" "It kept pointing to me."
Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.
Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":
We're at my Grandma's for Christmas and my uncle who lives with her works today.
Uncle Rob: "Well, I gotta get running." Mom: "A car would be faster."
~ba dum tsssss~
Today in class, we were given a work sheet and he told us that question 'L' was a real 'cute' one.
He then went on to tell us that we had to do the question before Christmas, because by then there will be 'No-el'.
Literally ten times a class we get one of these.
Me: "What do you want for Christmas?"
Dad: "A sweater always works...although I do have your mother and she sweats enough for both of us!!!!!"
This was through text message, so yes all those exclamation points are necessary.
Called in to get my work for the next day as I'm a student who's brought back part-time over the Christmas break.
Me: "Hi, I'm ronnockoch one of the students who is working Christmas, can I have my work for tomorrow?"
Dispatch:"Hi ronnockoch one of the students who is working Christmas, how are you?"
Conversation for about 2 minutes
Me: "Okay, see you at 5:00am tomorrow! Have a good day Dispatch!"
Dispatch:"Bye, ronnockoch one of the students who is working Christmas."
Clearly he'd fit right in here
Long story short, my dad bought a used truck and worked over every crevice to make sure he wasn't getting a lemon. Well he checked everywhere except the emergency car jack holder: the jack was gone.
So he asks for a jack for Christmas. Being a perfect son, I blew him off and promptly forgot about the whole deal until today, Christmas Day. I apologized and told him, "hey dad, don't worry, I'll get you a car jack later". He looked me dead in the eye and said, "John, why the hell would I want my car jacked?"
Reading "'Twas the Night Before Christmas"
"He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.
And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose!
But we never did figure out who the jerk was."
Today at work, my co-worker and I are decorating the group home we are working in for Christmas. As she finishes decorating the tree, she asks;
Her: The tree looks nice. I don't want to put the rest of the ornaments on it though, cause it'll look clutter. What should we do?
Me: Well... we can always deck the halls?
Followed by lots of laughing while she face palmed and walked out the room.
I saw this picture on the front page and had I had to send it to my dad. This is his e-mail response.
"Hey, Konceptz
Holiday greetings vary. Summer funny. Others try to spring a trap on the reader. Of course, that works best on people who will fall for anything. My Mom always told me that when I winter the mailbox to be careful for booby traps.
See son, I'm trying to look out for you. Hope you have a great Christmas!"
Quite dadstardly of him...
Talking about Christmas, and advent calendars. Then my work colleague comes up with this incredibly cheesy line:
"I think advent calendars aren't as popular in this country nowadays. maybe they are past their time and their days are numbered!"
Around Christmas a couple years back, my brother was helping his girlfriend finish a homework assignment. My dad walked into the room and asked what they were working on.
She replied "A summary for a book I had to read."
To which my old man replies "A summary? But it's winter!"
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